Monday, 21 September 2009

Romping Donkeys, Squealing Piglets

Life can so easily feel aimless. You work, you get tired, you work, you get tired. Of course, crazy loons in camouflage gear liven things up a bit, but as we waited in eager anticipation for the piglet race, it felt like we had purpose. Real definite purpose.

To celebrate our daughter's first birthday we treated her to a "petting" farm visit. Aside from the usual collection of sheep, hens, cows, disappointed-looking horses and melancholic donkeys, twice a day the farm runs a piglet race.

The race was set in a field where two winding fences formed the racetrack. A simple track with nothing even remotely close to a chicane, but I decided to let them off. The crowd was heaving, the excitement immeasurable. I myself was sceptical, expecting nothing more than a desultory pack of small pigs to amble round the track, skirmish occasionally and perhaps snort a little.

The piglets were held in a small wooden shed at the start of the track. We could hear them squealing, but there seemed to be a delay in starting the race. The crowd quietened, a tad impatient I think. Suddenly a horrific screeching sound echoed across the venue. A female donkey galloped past in the neighbouring field, screeching wildly as she was chased by a male. He cornered her, mounted her, and the two of them staggered about like a gruesome two-headed donkey goblin from hell. The crowd moved away from the racetrack to watch. "Are they playing?" I heard one small boy ask his father.

The farm staff sprang into action. You could sense their frustration, all the effort they go through to organise a piglet race and they lose their crowd to a couple of horny donkeys. One girl attempted to whip the crowd into a frenzy with a megaphone, another moved amongst us carrying a board displaying piglet names. "Who would you bet on?" she asked. I was torn between Frankie De Snorter and Curly Sue. "Curly Sue", I said firmly.

The race itself was the most incredible thing I have ever seen. Sure, there were skirmishes, and the little critters squealed rather than snorted, but what could be better than watching six squealing piglets sprint round a field to the ecstatic chanting of small children? Boy did they go fast, you would think they were being chased by a butcher, a baker and a sandwich-maker.

The baby wasn't bothered, scrambling about on the grass, the perfect example of self-immersed indifference. No Sweetheart, that's a cigarette butt, cigarette butts are not for babies. No Sweetheart, that's a discarded pistachio shell, pistachio shells are not for babies.

Of course, Frankie De Snorter won the race and as we left the donkeys were still romping in the field. The whole piglet business got me thinking. In an ideal world we would replace the measurement of horsepower with pigletpower. A Formula One engine, for example, might be said to have 50000 Pp - the power of 50000 piglets.

66 comments:

JennyMac said...

are they playing?

HAHAHAHAHA... oh YES...those romping donkeys ARE playing alright.

Just make sure no child sees you in the romping donkey scenario...

Girl Interrupted said...

Two-headed donkey goblins are always a big scene stealer, SUCH exhibitionists!

Regardless of whether Baby Stoneskin had a good time, I'm sure you did, which of course is secretly the whole point of the exercise ;)

Harmony said...

Romping donkeys are forever stealing the show. As they are the epitome of all things uncouth, it’s no wonder why they’re the asses of the animal kingdom.

"Life can so easily feel aimless" ~ This struck me with magnificent awe. So true, so true.

Harmony said...

Happy (Belated) 1st Birthday to Baby Stoneskin!!!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Piglets are a constant dilemma. So damn cute, yet so damn tasty. It's an eternal struggle.

Happy baby b'day! :)

Bev said...

I firmly believe that it's not a party until somebody's getting mounted.

I'm giggling over "Frankie De Snorter." Good stuff!

Eric said...

With the 'melancholic donkeys' reference, I thought this was quickly going to devolve into another A. A. Milne tale, but well done.

Courtney said...

Happy birthday to the wee little babe!

Romping Donkeys...reminds me of the time I took my nieces to the zoo and one of the horses was a bit 'excited' if you know what I mean. Questions were asked, answers were not given...it was all around awkward.

PS: Yes, the beers made it past security with no problem.

Soda and Candy said...

Come and see my blog, you have been Chronicled!

I'll be back with a real comment later.
; )

Soda and Candy said...

Happy birthday Bubba! That sounds awesome. Well except for the humping donkeys, but now I want to start an underground piglet-racing den.

C.B. Jones said...

You didn't do the "Why the long face?" bit with the horses, did you?

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

piglet racing, eh?

there is no mountain too high or river too wide for you to traverse searching for high quality entertaiment, is there?

Cora said...

Happy Birthday to Bubba Stoneskin!!

diane said...

Oh Mo, what a wonderful way to celebrate your daughter's birthday.
Your description read like something out of The Egg and I. A sheer delight.

"two headed donkey goblin", hahaha.

erin said...

A piglet race and screwing donkeys...a delightful First Birthday present for you...I mean, your daughter.

Captain Dumbass said...

Ah, the circle of life. I'm suddenly hungry for some bacon.

otherworldlyone said...

I'm not a big fan of petting what I eat, but watching it race should be ok.

I'll just...leave the donkey bit alone.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

too funny. Sounds like, at the very least, it was interesting ;)

The Jules said...

That post had everything!

Well, donkey sex and pre-baconic piglets.

That's practically everything.

Michel said...

No honey, two headed donkey goblins are NOT FOR BABIES!

Bad BABY! Now let's go watch the bacon run...mmm...bacon....

jpooh said...

Happy Belated Birthday, Bubba Stoneskin! You know your parents are going to pull this story out at the most inopportune and embarrassing moment they can find, right? It's what parents do.

Just thought I'd clarify that for you.

Tooj said...

I have a feeling the donkeys knew exactly what they were doing and timed it perfectly. Sort of like a birth control lesson for all of you parents thinking how "fun" it was to be there. Happy Birthday to sweet Bubba Stoneskin.

ellen abbott said...

They have piglet races here at the rodeo but I've never seen them. I have, however, watched the calf scramble. 28 kids each with a rope halter and 14 calves...the kids try to run down, grab hold and slip that halter over the calf before he gets away. the prize is the calf which they get to raise and then enter into the auction for Grand Champion the next year.

Can't top or match the donkey love though.

rubbish said...

I would definately have had a ton on Frankie. Happy Birthday to the little one mate. All the best.

blueviolet said...

In the animal world, things are sized differently and it's frightening. Those poor children!!!

But the piggy race sounds really cute!

A Mom on Spin said...

Okay, I'm still laughing at Bev's comment.

I'll be back with a witty comment of my own. .

Or perhaps not. . .

jadedj said...

A similar incident happened at the Miami Zoo when we were living down there. My daughter, who was 4 at the time, and I rounded a corner and two camels were "humping", as we all know, only camels can do. My daughter started crying because she thought they were fighting. Which of course saved me from having to explain what was really going on.

the girl with the pink teacup said...

Like you, I recently had the incomparable joy of watching piglet racing at a local village fair. Their little racecourse was more like an obstacle course, complete with hay bales to climb, gates to open and puddles to swim through using their stumpy little legs. The piglets even wore little spangled vests. It was like a camp piglet triathlon. Brilliant.

Unlike you, however, I missed out on seeing live donkey porn. There's always next time.

Happy Birthday, Bubba Stoneskin!

Dorothy said...

Awe sounds like fun and happy birthday glad the adventure was so great.

Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com

Irish Gumbo said...

So, why were the donkeys melancholic? Seems like they were sanguine or choleric, to me :)

Alan Burnett said...

"as we waited in eager anticipation for the piglet race, it felt like we had purpose" has to be my favourite line of the week. You use language like it is currency - nothing is wasted.

Mr London Street said...

What troubles me about this is this: donkeys are legendary for having enormous cocks. 'hung like a donkey' has passed into popular usage. So how on earth would you describe an especially well-endowed donkey?

"hung like a Stoneskin"?

I think it's important to introduce kids to animal sex at an early age as possible. No, on second thoughts let me rephrase that.

Comedy Goddess said...

How to top that next year?

Amy said...

Happy Birthday to the little one!!

Pig races are sort of awesome. They have them at the county fairs here. No donkeys though, which sounds wise!

BrightenedBoy said...

Kids are so cute. The toddler stage is just unspeakably adorable.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Nothing like a bit of ass fucking on a weekend.

bernthis said...

donkey porn. Alright! not

Scope said...

Were the piglets racing an Oreo cookie? That's what I remember them racing for when I was a kid.

And yeah, those little buggers are hauling.

g said...

Pigletpower. It has a great ring to it.

ladytruth said...

It seems like fornication follows people everywhere they go. But piggypower saved the day with Captain De Snort at the steer of things. I would love to see some photos of that!

Fenix35 said...

happy birthday to the little one! Sounded like a very good day out.

Kat said...

Happy Birthday Baby Stoneskin!

It is all fun and games til someone gets mounted..or puts out and eye...or both.

Surge said...

I petted a piglet not too long ago, they're cute from afar but up close they're all gross and hard. It's like you see a cute cat, only to find out upon petting it that it's stuffed.

It was a sad realisation.
This comment might seem a bit out of whack but I haven't gotten more than three hours of sleep in.. forever. And none last night.
Cheers.

Matthew said...

I have such a vivid image in my head of the race, yet not so much of the donkey games. Must be getting old...

Great stuff, as always.

the mama bird diaries said...

I love this "disappointed-looking horses and melancholic donkeys."

I sometimes really pit the animals at those places but the piglets seem like they are having fun.

Jan @ Struck by Serendipity said...

Did Curly Sue win? Your'e one smart man to bet on the female.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

The donkeys were STILL romping? I had no idea donkey sex lasted so long!

Slyde said...

i took my son to a local petting farm last month...

we spent about 2 hours petting and feeding the deer.. he loved every minute of it.

Mr. Charleston said...

F1 piglet power. What a great idea. They already scream like piglets and certainly the sport itself has become as hoggish as it can get.

Ananda girl said...

hahahahahahaahahahaha... Life is always tossing somekind of donkeys our way isn't it?

Too funny. Well, happy birthday to Baby!

I wish that I could have seen the pigglet race. What fun.

Mr. Condescending said...

happy bday to bubba stoneskin!

tennyson's comment was especially hilarious!

I have to say I thought the funniest part was the piglet power though, I'm still laughing!

♥ Braja said...

You sick, sick bastards.

Wait....were the pigs wearing cute bonnets? Cos, y'know, that counts....

♥ Braja said...

You sick, sick bastards.

Wait....were the pigs wearing cute bonnets? Cos, y'know, that counts....

Hit 40 said...

Donkey sex and piggy races!! Wow Your giving your child a well rounded education. Very nice

I have never seen pig races. Darn I have not even gone to the south side of town for a car or horse race. I am living a sheltered life with an old hat and pinny. Oh heck even my word spell program does not recognize pinny!!!

The Demigoddess said...

Haha. I couldn't stop laughing the whole time I was reading this. The sister gave me a stare down to shut me up.

..oops. I think my ribs just...cracked. Ow!

blognut said...

I am scarred for life by visions of two-headed donkey goblins.

♥ Braja said...

Yeah, hello, can you stop this once-a-week crap? Seriously. Do you want me to say "I want you"?? Cos that's kinda weird....

Lola Lakely said...

You really had me gripped with the title: Romping Donkeys, Squealing Piglets. And the entire post didn't let up with its hilarity. Honestly, you have such a way of describing things that I picture everything and laugh the entire way through it.

I can't tell you how many times I've spent preparing for a presentation and then lose my crowd to a couple of horny donkeys. The nerve!

Unindicted Co-Conspirator said...

No sweetheart, that's a used condom. Used condoms are NOT for babies.

LiLu said...

Tonight, I shall ask B if he wants to "play".

It totally works.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I'm pretty sure that girl donkey had a headache.

Jeanne said...

When Anne was about three, we took her to the zoo, where she spent the day happily chasing pigeons and ignoring all the other animals, until we got to the giraffes. Then she looked up, up, up and said, "Lookit them dragons!"

For the next few years, you will get to see the world through a new pair of eyes.

Enjoy!

~E said...

well? WERE they playing or what?

and the key to betting on a pig race is to always go for the longer name. any true piglet race fan would know that!

The Rambler said...

Nothing like donkey love and pig races! :)

But as the story goes you tell your kid when she's old enough she went to the beach and frolicked in the water!

Sassy Britches said...

I seem to live my life in the self-immersed indifference of a child, but I think that horny donkeys and squealing piglets might tempt me to look away from the cigarette butt. But that's just me.

Nej said...

Based on those standards, my car might...MIGHT...register 1/2 Pp, on a good day. :-) :-)

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!