Riled : Sagacity My Love, My Fair One, Where Are You?

As a rule I don't write about the news. This is because the moment I think of the word news my brain is immediately crushed with images of a desultory group of corrupt politicians, drunk nano-celebrities, jobless bankers, bivouacked activists and benefit thieves prancing about to tinny mobile phone music in a terrifying nightmarish eternity. But today I'll break my rule.

As you all know I'm not easily riled, very rarely does anything bother me, unless you count the majority of things my fellow humans do each day, old men jumping the bar queue and claiming they were first, people that dither at ATMs, anyone that has a 24 ring tone, but sometimes things really rile me.

Sonia Crabb (33) and her boyfriend Tony Junge (31), conned farmer David Cooper (51) in despicable fashion. My first assumption is that in order to do this they strapped their moral compasses and consciences to one of North Korea's failed rockets. My second assumption is that they flushed their copy of "How not to ruin someone's God-given life" down the toilet.

Sonia took advantage of Cooper's vulnerability, leading him on romantically with intent to exploit, and soon afterwards Crabb and Junge moved into Cooper's farmhouse, forcing Cooper to live in squalid conditions in a 'disused tack room', whatever that is.

They extracted from him £116,000 pounds in cash, spent £170,000 of his assets, forced him to transfer his house and land into their name, and lived in disgusting luxury while pushing him into a degrading existence.

Cooper died from diabetes, but was so malnourished when he died that he had symptoms of scurvy.

Crabb and Junge have now been jailed. You would think, given the fact that they conned him, fleeced him, forced him to live in degrading conditions and brought about his untimely death, that they would be given strict sentences.

You would think, given the fact that they violated his 'right to life' (article 2 Human Rights Act), subjected him to 'inhuman treatment' (article 3) and essentially 'slavery' (article 4), took away his 'right to liberty' (article 5) and all sorts of 'freedoms', that they would, perhaps, get life sentences. Given the sheer quantity of money they extorted from him you would think that that alone would be enough for some serious jail time.

You would think that any self-respecting judge with even a sub-average IQ, and even on a bad day when there was not enough milk in the fridge for his Cheerios and he had accidentally washed his balding pate with Listerine instead of shampoo, would pass a sentence that put them in for some proper time in the cooler. Right? You would think.

So how much time will this miserable pair of dweebs serve?

Crabb and Junge were jailed for 27 and 24 months respectively. I'll do the maths. That's two years for conning, fleecing and exploiting someone, contributing significantly towards their death and living in unearned luxury while their victim languishes in squalor, eventually dying malnourished and alone.

Does this rile you? I'd probably be sentenced for a longer term if I was caught shoplifting tweezers from Boots.

Knowing our justice system they'll probably be released in under 3 minutes for good behaviour.

[sources The Times, Metro and Daily Mail]

The UK at a glance

I don't often comment on the news, but with today's papers containing all sorts of juicy material it would have been a crime not too.

Having said that, I spent most of the commute listening to three teenage girls moan about their dads, one of whom spends too long in the bath. But anyway, back to the news.

Drug-addicted or alcoholic thieves will escape jail from next month if they can prove their crimes are driven by their need for a fix. Aside from the fact that this will become the shoplifter's charter, I think it is a great idea. In fact, I think they should escape jail if they were merely in a bad mood.

A cat Frankie has been stealing cuddly toys from the neighbouring households. So if you can't find your favourite teddybear, maybe Frankie has him. The good news is that Frankie is a friendly cat, so your teddybear will be in good care, albeit a little shaken.

Christian campaigners have lost their legal challenge against scientists being allowed to create human-animal embryos for research. Phew, that means my dream of having a duck's wings and a bull's head could still be realised.

Horses, donkeys and ponies were left to starve and die at a farmyard. The defendants deny all the charges. Presumably they overslept, or were repeatedly distracted by daytime TV. Of course, they could always claim it was due to their drug or alcohol addiction.

Chemists will be making the Pill available over the counter without a prescription, this despite evidence that it will have no affect on unplanned pregnancies, with one study suggesting that it will lead to more STD infections. Moral arguments aside, I always like to see evidence ignored. Evidence shmevidence, that's what I say.

A lollipop man has been banned from putting Christmas tinsel on his stick, and even burst into tears. Given the number of times I've tripped over tinsel hanging off a lollipop stick I'm not in the slightest bit sympathetic. Good riddance.

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) has spent considerable time and effort ruling that "feck" is not an expletive. I'm hoping that they will now rule that "banana" is an expletive, as I think it is a heinous swear. In the meantime, I'm off to the local FCUK store to exploit the VAT cut.

A reveller who killed a stranger for looking like Wayne Rooney is denying manslaughter. I imagine his defence would be "Your honour, Rooney is not a man, he's a boy."

Irish beef is at the centre of a health scare after cattle tested positive for illegally high level of dioxins (hey, I don't know what they are either). The meat will not be recalled because apparently there is only a risk if there is long-term exposure to the meat. This is particularly harrowing for those of us on an Irish-steak-a-night diet.

A ban on a pornographic Wikipedia image of a young girl was lifted by the Internet Watch Foundation yesterday. The image was on the Scorpion's album Virgin Killer. It warms my heart to see the IWF living up to its responsibilities. I may have to buy the album though, it sounds like lovely dinner music.

Cigarettes will soon be off display and under the counter. Hopefully cheap scratchcards will also follow suit, meaning I'm no longer stuck behind lotto junkies at the counter.