I was going to title this piece New Year's Non-Resolutions, but that little voice at the back of my head spoke up with remarkable awareness and incisive poignancy, pointing out that saying "I'm not going to give up coffee" is not a non-resolution, just a resolution. Thinking about it, it may have been that little voice at the tip of my left little toe, but these little voices all sound alike.
I suppose I could have provided a single non-resolution of "I don't know", or just "blah blah", and that would probably count as a non-resolution. But the aforementioned little voice would undoubtedly called me a coward, or worse, a ditherer, or even worse, a gimp-grandchild.
I did suggest to my wife that I could eat a Cadbury's Creme Egg every day until Easter, in celebration of Easter, but she vetoed the idea. So instead, these are my resolutions.
1) Don't give up coffee. Mind you, I don't intend to drink more coffee, or less coffee. This is just a reaction to the idea that I could give up coffee, which would be the sort of extreme asceticism that I am not prepared to be a part of, not even for Lent. Not that I partake of Lent, each year I give up Lent for Lent. I do intend to enjoy my coffee more fully, so in a way that is a sort of sub-resolution. I'm not, of course, speaking of that disgusting abomination known as instant coffee. I'm perpetually in a state of denial regarding instant coffee, preferring to pretend it doesn't exist rather than face such a gross insult to the real thing. I'm speaking of the real deal, freshly ground (yep, of course I grind my own beans) aromatic wonders of divine proportions, beautiful rooty experiences that blow your mind, reduce your risk of alzheimer's and blow your senses into a caffeinated oblivion.
2) Don't give up wine. Similarly, I don't intend to drink more wine, that would be irresponsible, and we all know that alcohol should be drunk responsibly. But I would like to drink more Rioja, and less scanky make-you-flinch Cabernet Sauvignons that I pick up because they are on offer. Some people don't like Rioja, professing a partiality to "old world" wines (by which they mean French or Italian) or "new world" wines (by which they mean powerful Australian Shirazes). Lunatics. Everyone knows that Rioja is the wine of kings.
3) Don't give up beer. As above, I think my beer intake is just about right, somewhere close to moderation. My issue with beer is that there is too much choice, and I like trying new beers so much that I often forfeit the chance to knock back an old love in favour if trying something new. But I could easily write you a list of my top 20 beers, all of which I love, cherish and have given a permanent place in my heart. So this year I would like to enjoy more of my top 20, and pay less attention to trying new beers.
Gosh, now I just have to see these resolutions through.