Monday, 3 August 2009

The Orangutan's Daughter

So here's the deal. I've been thinking long and hard and have decided to cut down the amount of time I waltz through the blogosphere. With the demands of my job, the tiring little monster baby, and the realisation that I just don't make enough time to discover new wines watch The Wire read and relax, it's time to make cuts.

So I'm going to aim to post once a week, probably on a Monday, and keep Monday as my blogging day. This'll mean that I won't be visiting your lovely blogs with my usual regularity during the rest of the week, but at the start of the week I will be your man. In other words, I will continue to exercise the standard protocol of blogging reciprocity, but I won't be about so much. I just wanted to let you know - in case you are sitting in your armchair on a Thursday night, drinking some cheap Scandinavian lager and thinking "where the hell is Mo?". Anyway, I don't want to dwell on this so without further ado...


We went for a late breakfast at our favourite cafe. Favourite because of the food and atmosphere, not because of the layout, which is worse than my parents' living room. Imagine a tiny room stuffed with ten mismatching sofas. That aside, the food is divine and the mushrooms, well, the mushrooms are simply spectacular.

I had mushrooms on toast, my wife had a crayfish sandwich. Bubba trumped everyone with her organic
"roast dinner" purée. A young girl scampered in, closely followed by her mum and (presumably) grandma. They sat at the table next to ours. The mum was clad in what can only be described as a tiny black party frock. Very short, very revealing. She wore wedges so high they would have been beyond the wildest dreams of any ski-jumping Lego man.

Most remarkable of all was the colour of her skin. It was so orange that you would naturally assume her father was an Orangutan. Either that or she had fallen into a vat of fake tan cream. Oranges and lemons,
say the bells of St. Clement's.

She sat close to Bubba, emitting a powerful orange glow. While thoroughly enjoying her purée, Bubba was becoming increasingly interested in Mrs Satsuma, her little grubby hands swinging dangerously close. "You're hoping Bubba grabs that lady," observed my wife. "That would be ideal," I replied.

An elderly lady sat down at our table. Ignoring the countless unoccupied tables, she was merely exercising those rights that all old ladies believe they have - the right to invade the privacy of anyone with a baby, the right to touch any baby with grubby opal-ringed fingers, the right to act as a sort of "proxy grandma" to any baby encountered.

"She doesn't want to eat, she wants to socialise," said Bubba's new proxy grandma. "The only person wanting to socialise is you," I thought, tired of prying strange elderly hands off our baby and desperately hoping that Bubba would eat up quick.

As Lady Clementine got up to leave a small grubby hand swiped at her frock. She didn't notice and left the cafe, a delightful little orange hand print adorning her bum, the "roast dinner" purée perfectly matching the colour of her skin. It was ideal.

64 comments:

Shana said...

That is funny!
Never could understand the fake tan thing.... even though I do like the colour orange.

I will try to keep my sobbing: "where the hell is Mo?" to a minimun!

Mary said...

awesome move Bubba! perfect timing is the key to comedic genius :)
and i hate those damn proxy grandmas too- wtf?

Fenix35 said...

Haha such a good read. Especially the comment about the lady being related to an orang-utan. Really cracked me up!

Joanie M said...

We'll miss you all week long and look forward to Mondays!

I'm glad Bubba got to leave her "mark" on that woman! LOL

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Mrs. Clementine and Mrs. Satsuma? Brilliant.

Go Bubba!

ellen abbott said...

When our daughter was a baby (and I have to admit that she was awesome) total strangers we would pass on the street would stop and give us money for her, just a dollar or two but it was always so totally weird. And we had to stop going to one cafeteria because all the ladies on the floor would cluster around our table to coo at her while we were trying to eat.

Well, you will be missed but come Monday I'll be expecting comments.

Minka said...

Oh, Mo, your weird experiences make you mean sometimes... :)

otherworldlyone said...

Ugh, orange tans.

You're nicer than I am. I couldn't stand when weirdo strangers tried to touch the kid. It got ugly a time or two.

jpooh said...

I've never understood the need for complete strangers to paw little kids. I love little children and babies too, but I make do with smiling at them as I pass by. If they say something to me, I'll speak back but that's as far as I'll take it.

Gonna miss you during the week, man.

Bev said...

Ha!! Nicely done, Bubba! I don't understand the "proxy grandma" phenomenon either, nor do I understand the desire to tint one's skin orange.

Trinity said...

If you or I were to wipe our hands on another adult, they would get offended. When a baby does it, they find it both cute and acceptable.

I want to have baby powers.

Mr London Street said...

Sorry to hear about your semi-retirement.

g said...

Love it. Ms Satsuma/Clementine with a squash-colored handprint on her butt.

Seems like a lot of bloggers are having time conflicts these days. I find that the more ridiculous and dreary my work obligations get, the more I want to escape into blogland.

I'll keep checking in with you - your stories are the best way to start a work week.

Hit 40 said...

I am light blogging too. Want to wrap up some ends around my house before school starts again. I plan to post but just pop back to those that comment on my blog for a while.

I love how you summarized your feelings so poetically about old women touching babies and...

I am keeping my overly white white skin!!! No shame here to color orange.

blognut said...

Thank goodness you're cutting back to only posting on Monday. It takes a lot of the stress off of your faithful followers, too. :)

But it goes without saying that I'll miss you the rest of the week.

And Bubba? My new favorite baby.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Two little hands prints placed right over the bums might have been even more perfect?

You tell the best stories. I look forward to your Mondays Mo and enjoy the balance n your life ; -)

♥ Braja said...

This is just your way of trying to tell us you had lunch with Victoria Beckham, right?

Eric said...

Well, if you cut back on the blog, we'll expect a new wine recommendation every month at least...

Proxy grandparents approach babies at their own risk!

Organic Meatbag said...

Now that IS sweet justice...and these orange glow ladies...it's like a bunch of radioactive carrot women walking around...this is in no way appealing, unless you hook up with a guy sorely lacking beta carotene in their system...

Mo, I am sad that you will be frequenting us less, but I understand... kick back and enjoy yourself now!

Ananda girl said...

God made babies cute so that we go through the hassle to take care of them instead of leaving them alone in the jungle to starve. It's embedded in our brains. And it's your fault for having a cute baby!
Would you rather have one of those models that repulse people?

Just joking... I hated that too when I had little ones.

Love the hand print! Too funny!

Fancy Schmancy said...

I'm a little burnt on the blogging thing right now, too. Must be because it's finally summer!

Great story, glad Bubba could help you out like that!

The Jules said...

Funny!

The touching babies thing is nearly as mad as people pattng pregnant women on the bump without their permisiion, doing that goofy smile which seems to say "All considerations for personal space have gone out of the window, because you're blatantly demonstrating that you've had sexual intercourse within the last 9 months and therefore like being touched. Like it, I say!"

When it happened to my wife I was often tempted to do the same smile back and then goose 'em.

Samsmama said...

Nicely done, Bubba! Seriously ideal!

Catch ya next Monday! Enjoy life!

JennyMac said...

Excellent work Bubba...

and maybe your part time bloggy schedule will refresh you and bring you back. You know we will by at the ready.

Soda and Candy said...

Adorable. Bubba rocks!

Soda and Candy said...

Also, when my niece was a baby my bro-in-law used to get so pissed off at random people coming up & touching her - "You don't know where they've been!" he said.

Amy said...

I spend every Thursday evening sitting in my armchair drinking cheap Scandinavian lager and thinking "Mo is so awesome."

I will be sad to see you less regularly, but I completely understand this impulse.

chris hale said...

It wasn't David Dickinson in drag, was it?

You can always trust a baby to do the right thing. All you need to do now is train said child to projectile vomit on a particular word of command!

rubbish said...

Missus put her foot down has she Mo?
Know where you're coming from though. If I couldn't read blogs in work it would take me to ten o' clock to read them all.
All the best and catch you on Monday's.

bernthis said...

fake tan is the same as a hairpiece.Won't these folks ever realize how ridiculous they look

LiLu said...

I like to call that skin color "sweet potater"! Just because it's fun to say.

Call Me Cate said...

Bubba is for sure your child. Absolutely brilliant.

Your presence shall be missed. But I know you're still with us in spirit. (Do what you gotta do, I spend far too much time on this damned thing.)

Matthew said...

Marvellous stuff. You can see this in any cafe in any country, I'm convinced of it.

Valerie said...

maybe she's part umpa-lumpa

Cora said...

Go Bubba!!

And I think we're all kinda realizing we need to cut back on blogging lately, aren't we? Funny how blogging starts off so sweet and simple and soon it consumes all your time and you have no idea how it happened. Ahh well. We'll see you Monday, Mo.

Make that Mo'day! ;-)

Beth said...

So, after reading this I've learned two things.

1 - Stay with the au natural white glow.

2 - I'm going to miss you not being around as much. I understand.

Girl Interrupted said...

Bravo Mo :) ... looking forward to Mondays already

A Mom on Spin said...

I can't believe you'll not be here Tuesday thru Sunday!

But you'll still visit me. . .right??? 'Cause life just wouldn't be the same without a daily visit to MY blog. . .

Right????

Irish Gumbo said...

Bubba has good aim and flawless timimg! That was a hoot!

And, if its okay with you, I'll drink a pricey Scandinavian lager. Or maybe Guinness. Or gin and tonics.

Hic.

Comedy Goddess said...

Say it ain't so, Mo!

Only one day a week with Mo? Should we call it Mo-nday?

Captain Dumbass said...

Good job, kid. As to the cut backs, I understand, once it starts to be work it's not fun anymore. And the dirty looks from the wife and kids aren't good.

Sassy Britches said...

Mrs. Satsuma. Ski-jumping Lego man. I'm gonna miss you.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

This means Mondays are now going to be the new Saturdays. Everyone around the blogosphere will be saying, 'oooh, it's Monday tomorrow - or should I say, Mo-day?'

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Monday's will be my new favorite day. Monday's with Mo - has a nice ring to it! ;)

I LOVED your description of the orange woman...and it's priceless that Bubba left a matching orange hand print on her backside...LOVE it!

Gaston Studio said...

You do what you need to do Mo; I'm with you and have already started posting only once a week (although I missed two in a row)!

Love the grubby little handprint! Don't you just despise little old ladies who impose themselves?

Slyde said...

i dont blame you one bit.

i know only post 2-3 times a week max, and visit everyones blog 1-2 times a week.

i just couldnt keep up... when it starts to feel like work, its time to step back.

Stacie's Madness said...

muahahah, that'll teach her.

Nikki-ann said...

LOL Brilliant! Just don't stop blogging altogether... You're the highlight of my week! :D

Tooj said...

I don't feel like commenting. I'm pouting.

(on her bum, really?)

the girl with the pink teacup said...

It's rather wonderful to see that your little girl has inherited your love of irony. Puréed pumpkin on the arse is probably quite an effective way of registering one's dissatisfaction with the eye-assaulting horrors of orange fake tan.

And while of course I'm sad that you're moving into semi-retirement, you know that I completely understand. You need time to teach your little one more of these excellent life skills! Mo Mondays are going to be the highlight of the blogging week, dear man. Look after yourself :)

The Rambler said...

Okay...so every Monday with fingers crossed I will wait at the bloggy door with a beer :)

Had a lady come into my restaurant with a super fake orange tan...I'm like..."YOUR IN HAWAII for Godsakes! WTH?"

Debbie said...

You do paint a fascinating portrait for us!
I'll be looking forward to Mondays.

Mr. Condescending said...

This was a good story to send off your blog semi-retirement.
I was worried that bubbas first words might have. Been "bloggy" or somethin. I understand you need to take time off, I think we all know that feeling.

I look forward to as tenny called it, Mo-days.

the mama bird diaries said...

Ok Ok... real life is better than online life. for sure. but we'll miss you. On the upside, Mondays will be grand.

Lola Lakely said...

Loved this one especially your response to your wifes' Question- "That would be ideal."

Sounds like your baby is taking after you.

Jan @ Struck by Serendipity said...

Urgh, did the orange run off on your baby?

Michel said...

hahah! Old people are so funny...and yet so damn annoying.

what are you gonna do.

Great idea to cut it down to once a week! BRILLIANT. I may copy you (and claim it as my own idea of course...dooy!)

Maria Roth said...

I'm sure YOU've been wondering, "Where the hell is Maria?" Sorry I haven't been by lately. I'm glad to hear you're cutting back to one day a week. Once my kids are back in school, I'm going to start a writing and reading schedule--I really am! I swear! Tuesdays and Thursdays will be my "reading and commenting" days.

You're still in fine form. Glad to hear that Bubba is making an impression everywhere she goes. ;)

diane said...

Mo, I need a shipping address to mail you those glasses, which are from Urban Outfitter's, btw. My e-mail is dyejobslye at hotmail dot com.

jadedj said...

I do understand the cut back thing. I do the same, now and again...especially when wife and kids glower every time I'm at the computer. Gotta take care of business, you know.

Yeah, what's with the baby touching thing. I always used to tell them, "be careful, she bites". Usually worked.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

It's wonderful how your wife so totally gets you.

I'll miss you, but totally understand. And will look forward to Mondays!

Jeanne said...

"That would be ideal."

You, sir, are very funny. (As I'm sure your wife remarks with innocent wonder on a daily basis.)

As they say in Kentucky, I'll look for you when I see you coming....

Vodka Mom said...

xoxox

just making sure you are still WITH US.

Kat said...

Orange skin...maybe she had too much beta carotene?

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!