Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Crispy Duck Arithmetic

The pub was beating to the tunes of Groove Armada.  Heaving with commuters, the place had that perfect post-work buzz.  With a pint of Staropramen in one hand and a menu in the other, I scanned the pizza list with enthusiasm.  I was probably drooling.  My eyes settled on the crispy duck.  I have a weakness for duck.  If it is on the menu I will go for it.  Catch me at the right moment and I would sell my birthright for some crispy duck.  Crispy duck or a million quid?  I'd take the duck any time.  I went to the bar and placed my order.  
 
"I'll have a 12" crispy duck pizza please, and a pint of Star."
 
"We have a two-for-one deal on today ," he said.
 
"I couldn't eat two," I replied.
 
"But you could get two 6" pizzas for the price of one," he pleaded.
 
Someone walked by carrying a couple of minuscule pizzas.  There were so damn tiny.  Would that really be the same amount of pizza?  I used to be quite good at maths.  With two maths A-levels, a computer science degree, a major in neural computing and six years busting my brain writing financial software, I would like to think I still am.  I'm beginning to suspect it was all a dream and that I am actually a farmhand.  I froze for a few seconds, racking my brain for the formula to calculate the area of a circle.  All I could find were random bits of physics equations, ghosts of calculus and crispy ducks.  πr2, that was it.  I struggled with the arithmetic.  In my defence the baby had kept us up most of the night before, I had played football over lunch, drunk a pint on an empty stomach and was partially distracted by a group at the bar, the bizarrest group I have ever seen.  Eight gay men and one woman.  Now what was that all about?
 
"I'll go with the two 6" pizzas."
 
"They don't both have to be crispy duck," he explained, "you can mix and match."  He was wrong, they did both have to be crispy duck, and on second thoughts, with a million quid I could buy 142857 crispy duck pizzas, and on a Tuesday, get another 142857 free. 

52 comments:

the girl with the pink teacup said...

All I could think was πr2, too. But then again, that's about as complicated as my maths gets. That, and Pythagoras' theorem. Not really sure how that applies to duck pizza, but I'm pretty sure Pythagoras was a vegetarian anyway. And yes, this comment was written after drinking wine on an empty stomach. Sorry. Forgive?

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

The circle thing has something to do with a pie.

I have never seen crispy duck on a pizza, but I wuold order it if I did. Hubs is half Chinese and my fav Chinese dish at a wedding is Peking duck. Crispy duck served with little steamed buns and plum sauce.

And if I send my 17 year old son to the pub, could you tutor him in Math please.

Comedy Goddess said...

In the first place, you are very smart. Secondly, I hate when they offer deals at the point of purchase. Thirdly, she is their Fag Hag and with eight gays to hang out with, she must have been the most stylish woman around. It's a win win for all of them.

Comedy Goddess said...

Seriously? Crispy Duck pizza?

Samsmama said...

I'm horrible at math, so I'm of no help in that department. And duck pizza? Like, quack quack? Never knew such thing existed. But I am very boring when it comes to pizza.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Heh. It always amuses me that math is plural in England. It probably should be, too. There are so many things you have to do with numbers.

It is time for breakfast here in San Diego, and I would like crispy duck pizza now.

Eric said...

Now do they leave the 'bill' on for crispy duck in the UK?
Or do you just pay at the counter?

The Peach Tart said...

I'm down with the duck pizza. Eat one, take one home and freeze it for later.

ellen abbott said...

Everybody beat me to the funny comments but still...duck pizza? And I thought pineapple on pizza was bizarre. Whatever, you made me laugh out loud...again.

JennyMac said...

Small tummy churn at idea of duck pizza.

Fenix35 said...

Wow I have to try some of this duck pizza. It sounds amazing!

Girl Interrupted said...

Woah! Smarty pants!

If humans were meant to be good at maths, then ... there wouldn't be calculators!

diane said...

Are ducks really that small, there's only enough meat for pizza toppings? We have Mexican Chicken pizza over here, don't ask.

jpooh said...

Hmmm...I am pondering the possibilities of crispy duck pizza.

Now I shall have to make one. Want me to post the recipe when I have?

Courtney said...

Cripy duck pizza!?!?! What the H! At least it wasn't BBQ chicken pizza, that's the worst thing I have ever heard of.

Princess Andy said...

i won't even comment on all that math sh*t 'cause i am totally opposite to math.

and that makes sense to me, so there.

also...i need to start a "phrase of the day" thing-y because FAG HAG (comedy goddess comment) is freakin' priceless.

i wish i was a fag hag. then i would not only dress more awesome, but i would probably give the best blow jobs within a 50 mile radius.

i could be uber popular then.

just sayin'.

andy

Mr London Street said...

My maths may be wonky but I think you got half the surface area of pizza with your two six inch pizzas as you would have done with a twelve inch one.

But in terms of value for money it was probably brilliant.

Of course the other solution would have been four six inch pizzas. You could have pretended two of them were for somebody else.

Tooj said...

I'm pretty sure that I believe NO bird OR fish should be on a pizza. Just gimme lots and lots of cheese...maybe a pepperoni or two. :) Oh! And green peppers. With the pepperoni. What did you speculate the bizarre group was talking about? I have my suspicions.

ladytruth said...

Reading this particular post of yours, Mo, I know remember why math used to be so confusing to me :)

Nej said...

8 gay men and 1 woman....sounds like a good time!!!

I've never had duck on a pizza before...I bet it's wonderful!!

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

I think you've just confirmed that once my kids complete 2nd grade, they will NOT be able to turn to me for help with their math homework.

the mama bird diaries said...

Am I understand this correctly? You eat duck on pizza?

Madame DeFarge said...

I'm still baffled by the duck pizza. Just because you can make it, doesn't mean that you should. It's like genetic modification.

Mr. Condescending said...

I am ashamed of you mo. After your loving post about the rubber ducky, I now know your true intentions. You wanted to fry those little duckies up and put them on pizza. Jerk.

Ananda girl said...

It wasn't the late night with baby. It wasn't the amount of time since school. It was the lure of crispy duck! Completely derailed your thinker toy until it was sure you would be eating it.

Now that's a true jones.

Simon said...

It being about 35 years since I left school, I know that dreadful feeling of not being able to remember something that was once so elementary to you – especially in moments of stress (like when one of my nieces asks me to work something out). But, amazingly, I had no sooner read your

I froze for a few seconds, racking my brain for the formula to calculate the area of a circle.

…before I remembered the immortal πr² popped into my head. I felt really pleased about that.

And you would of course need four six inch pizzas to equal the area of a twelve inch one (as Mr London Street said) – though to be fair you didn’t give the price, so no comparison is possible.

Amy said...

I've never been good with the maths. She must have been some girl - 8 gay men? I'm jealous.

Kat said...

Maths hurt my brain.

Shana said...

Never heard of crispy duck on pizza. I may have to try some.

As for math. What is math?

Not The Rockefellers said...

Crispy duck, pizza, beer and math geeks......pie are not squared pie are round..

I wish there was such a thing as Wonkavision...I am jonesing that pizza...

Peace - Rene

Diane said...

Crispy duck pizza sounds about as good to me as prawn crisps... or lamb-flavored (excuse me, 'flavoured')... or beef-flavoured crisps. Some things just don't belong together. I'd go for the million, baby.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

And that's why mathematics IS the only pure science!

blognut said...

Crispy duck pizza is not at the tippy-top of my "Things I Find Very Disturbing" list.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Crispy duck pizza? That's not something I've ever heard of but the more I think about it the more I think it would be delicious!

Captain Dumbass said...

Crispy duck on a pizza? Where is this wonderous land you live it???

I used to deal with tens of millions of dollars in cash every day but I don't think I could every be a cashier.

lizspin said...

Well did you cut the second one up and try to place it all around the outside of the pizza to see if it were the same size???

THAT, my friend would be my kinda maths!

The Rambler said...

I like how you think! :)

Matthew said...

I'll take your word on the maths. Crispy duck pizza sounds alright though.

I had a balti pizza once, complete with sweet potato and poppadom topping covered in melted cheese. It takes a special kind of talent to ruin anything with melted cheese but credit to them, they managed it.

Beth said...

The other day, it rained so hard at school there were ducks swimming in the pond that formed on the playground. It kind of makes me sad to think about them on a pizza.

I'm a sucker for buy one get one free.

Hit 40 said...

Very good!!! Simon and Mr. London get an A+

The two 6 inch pizzas did add up to 18pi

One 12 inch pizza was 36pi

...I need to go back to work!!! 3 more weeks until I have to teach some trigonometry. And mo.... they picked on you a little after you left your comment today :-)

otherworldlyone said...

I'm a sucker for a 2 for 1 deal. And horrible at math.

Go figure.

thatgirlblogs said...

being from the states, we don't have crispy duck anything -- sounds divine.

Nikki-ann said...

Crispy duck pizza? Never heard of that before!

LiLu said...

It is NOT the same. More crust, less squishy middle. No thank you!

Lola Lakely said...

One of life's great mysteries has been revealed to me. I now know how many crispy duck pizzas I could buy with a million quid. And now I want pizza. Mmmmm.

Gwen said...

Math makes my brain hurt. You can't BS in math. That's why I went into law.

Slyde said...

crispy duck pizza?

i have GOT to try that...

cactus petunia said...

Sheesh. It's 10 am and you've got me thinking about crispy duck pizza. This can't be good!

King of New York Hacks said...

I thought I've tried every pizza being from New York but now I have to get the word out that crispy duck better be on the menu soon !!!!

p-huong said...

I've got a simple answer, invite me along next time. I have a weakness for duck too... and sun dried tomatoes. (Not together, just whenever I see it on the menu.)

Melanie D said...

crispy duck pizza????
Thanks for clicking on the captains link and visiting my sons blog he really enjoyed all the comments

Sassy Britches said...

Okay, five days and 51 comments later...nobody has said it...I have to take issue with the idea that farmhands don't know their maths! Farming is pretty tough work mathematically speaking, I'll have you know. *humph*

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!