Wednesday, 1 July 2009

At this rate people will think I enjoy killing birds and butterflies but I don't, I'm just unlucky

Bubba Stoneskin has two new tricks. The first of these is to scramble off the changing mat and poo on the carpet. The second is to rip off her sun hat and chuck it out the pushchair when we are not looking. Having just spent an arduous step-retracing exercise to retrieve her sun hat we were now on our way home.

Cruising down a country lane we found ourselves fast approaching three little birds standing in the road. In over ten years of driving I have never hit a bird. Sure, there have been some close misses, but the little twits always get out of the way. I remember the Seinfeld episode where George is driving and a pigeon is sitting in the road. His (George's, not the pigeon's) female companion urges him to stop. "They'll get out of the way," says George, "they always do." The next thing you see is feathers everywhere. They'll get out of the way, I thought.

As we closed in the birds panicked. One flew left, one flew right and the third, in an unprecedented display of feathered stupidity, flew straight at us, hitting the car with a thud.

"Ha!" I laughed. There was a brief silence.

"I cannot believe you just laughed," said my wife.

Truth is I have no idea why I laughed. I attempted to defend the indefensible. Maybe it was the cartoon-like way the bird flew at the car. Maybe it was the comical little thud. But, I explained, I didn't actually find it funny, I was sorry we had hit the little fool, it's not like I'm rebelling against nature, slaughtering birds on the slightest whim. She wasn't buying it so we left the conversation there, discussing pleasanter topics such as the prettiness of the French villages, the joy of driving on French roads, the delights of French wine and the beauty of the French countryside. Anyway, you know when you dig yourself a hole, fall in it, scramble out, forget it is there and then fall in again? A few minutes later a butterfly splatted against the windscreen.

"Ha!" I laughed, "I just killed a butterfly."

There's something wrong with me, I should probably seek help.

Just for the record. I genuinely do not take pleasure from killing birds or butterflies.

45 comments:

LiLu said...

Poor little birdy!

But everyone knew the butterfly had it coming...

Hit 40 said...

Don't play the lottery!!

Harmony said...

Ha! That is hilarious. I too, do not take joy in killing birds and whatnot, but I will admit I let out a chuckle when I read "flew straight at us, hitting the car with a thud". I think it is the cartoon imagery..hmmm...

Amy said...

This is hilarious. I can't believed you laughed a second time. Was she so easily distracted on the second go by delightful memories of France?

Nikki said...

It's ok. I hit a bird once and let out a blood curdling scream. Have no idea why. Maybe I thought it would wake up and zombie bird attack me.

Courtney said...

Something strange is coming over the planet. Stone and I both have recently had issues with birds not yielding to our cars.

It's disturbing really....they (the birds) know the rules.

Cora said...

Hee hee hee. I did the same thing. I was driving through beautiful rolling hills in the country and birds were flying around and *sigh* it was a lovely moment. Then one of the little buggers swooped right under the tire of my car. There was no time to react. I saw its reflection in the mirror, utterly flattened on the road with its wings straight up in the air and the shock of it sent me off into a massive giggling fit. I wasn't happy it happened, but the surprise and absurdity of it just got the better of me. My then-hubby was HORRIFIED and DISGUSTED that I was laughing, but I just couldn't help it.

By the way, while you were on holiday, your blog got saucy with me so linked you. MWAHAHA! Not sure if you saw it or not, so here's the link. Enjoy!: http://lovelettersbycora.blogspot.com/2009/06/where-is-love-blog-world-where-is-love.html

jpooh said...

I've been known to slaughter innocent squirrels, birds, frogs, snakes and once a cat with my car. I am never happy about it, but I figure they didn't cost me tens of thousands of dollars and my car did, and they should have stayed off the road in the first place.

So that's where you went on holiday? I've heard that France would be quite pleasant if it weren't for the French.

Nej said...

I'd have laughed too. (Not because I enjoy killing birds and butterflies.)

blognut said...

You better hope the P.E.T.A. people don't read your blog today.

They're brutal.

They'll come find you and splash you with bird feathers and bug guts.

diane said...

You are a riot, I'd have laughed too. Laughter diffuses tension, most times.
I love the description of your little lady. Too precious. Toddlers are simply adorable, surprising, and just great.

Mr. Condescending said...

Sheesh has france turned you into some relentless jerk?

miss. chief said...

that's funny! in my head it was straight out of a cartoon.

one time my friend and i were driving down the highway and she swerved to avoid a bird and almost killed us. i think not hitting birds is a safety issue.

i don't know about butterflies though.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

You made me laugh so hard, twice, my border collie is crawling into my lap to get in on the fun.

Now, I guess i should feel guilty about laughing?

BeautifulWreck said...

I hate birds. Good riddance. LOL

The Jules said...

You have a low kill rate in your car, don't you?

Drive quicker.

Tooj said...

It's really crushing (pun very intended) when poor animals get busted by the vehicles. Once, I ran over a turtle, mistaking it for a clump of dirt. Oops. Another time I hit a poor squirrel who I felt very sorry for and went back to check on....he was hurt, but alive. I think he made it. Since then, however, my son and I have saved two turtles - he calls them missions of course, from Diego - from the dangerous neighborhood streets. Next time, just save your laughing for the blogland. We'll allow it.

Courtney said...

Hey....Just had lunch with Stone (the hubs) and he randomly mentioned that he witnessed a bird fly directly into the side of a semi-truck on his way to pick me up. Essentially killing itself.

Told you...something strange is happening to the planet!

Eric said...

My avecide incident occurred in a parking garage. I was rolling towards it and thought for sure it would get out of the way. But no, *crunch*... I've always wondered if it was intentional, the depressing grey of the parking garage, the pigeon in debt, hopeless...

Sassy Britches said...

Next time just try closing your eyes before the imminent demise of the bird so you don't see it happen and can claim innocence. That's what I do. You're on your own with the butterfly thing, though. :)

cactus petunia said...

Watch your back, Mo. The birds and butterflies might just be planning their revenge!

Diane said...

Well, Mr. Meany McMeanness, I'm going to turn PETA onto you today!

Stacie's Madness said...

ha.
that's not funny.

hahaha.

I guess the irony of it all is HILARIOUS.

C.B. Jones said...

You subconsciously hate everything with wings. You enjoy animals who can obtain flight so much, that you bask in their(accidental) destruction.


I could tell you whether or not there is something seriously wrong with you, but I'd need to charge you an arm and a leg before doing so.

bernthis said...

then we both need counseling b/c I too would have laughed. Shock, I think. and very Seinfeld

Kat said...

My parent accidentally tarred and feathered their car on their honeymoon.

Megan Rose said...

Did I read that right? You like killing birds and butterflies?

The Rambler said...

It was like bird diving central at our outside cafe the other day.

One of my employees hates them with a passion and if I allowed him to bring a 'weapon' of the pellet gun sort he would. Instead he sprays a little cleaner toward them and they fly away.

Yesterday when he came in the birds disappeared. I told everyone they sensed evil was approaching and left.

I, too, chuckled for some reason when you said you hit the bird. (like George) so when you find 'help' make sure there's room on the couch for me as well :)

Audra said...

My husband hit a buzzard once. It is his favorite story to tell. It was even better when we still had the truck he hit it with and you could see the front end damage it caused

andy said...

driving out in the country leaving heathen #5's horse stable, we suddenly came across a teeny tiny prairie dog (think ferret, but cuter) right in the middle of the road.

there was no way to avoid it, as the road was gravel and if i swerved i would certainly have slipped off the road.

so i just squealed in some weird tiny girl scream just so the kids would know i totally did not want to hit it.

and then the stupid bastard bobbed and weaved and he managed to avoid the massive brain crunching tires of my van.

birds aren't as cute plus their brains are smaller so i'm gonna say don't feel too bad;)

andy

Irish Gumbo said...

Sometimes we cannot help but laugh at the random brutality of modern life...otherwise we truly would go crackers.

And also for the record, i did not for a second believed that you enjoy killing birds and butterflies. Well, maybe for just a second, but surely no longer than that. Seriously, you're alright.

Scope said...

You laughed for they were FRENCH birds and butterflies. God fearing BRITISH birds and butterflies would have enough sense as to avoid impacting automobiles.

Char said...

You laughed twice! You heartless bastard!


*snort*

the girl said...

I was in the same situation yesterday when a family of magpies was scavenging dead stuff in the middle of the road.

I think the difference was that I stopped.

I'm not sure if I'll be doing so in future, as the little bastards just gave my car the birdy stink-eye and kept on scavenging, forcing me to wait about five whole minutes (!) for their feast to end before I could keep driving. The uneasy truce between birds and my car ends today. Nah, I'm too chicken.

Don't feel bad for laughing. It was sort of funny.

Jeanne said...

I think it was the irony -- thinking about what happened to George, who thought it couldn't happen to him, and then it did and then it happened to you, too.

And then the butterfly -- well, by then you were clearly hysterical.

Note to self: Keep feathered and helpless creatures away from Mad Mo....

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

sure you don't.

the mama bird diaries said...

If everything comes in 3s, all those little insects and animals better get the hell out of your way.

Vodka Mom said...

omg. That was just PLAIN unlucky.



for the bird and the butterfly, i mean.

Mary said...

ok- reading the story? I laughed too...
at least you didn;t do what i did (and what my husband will never let me live down):
A bird was flying DIRECTLY at my windshield while I was driving- and I ducked. yeah.
I say it was my lightening fast athletic reflexes that caused me to duck- he says I'm just a bad driver.

Gaston Studio said...

I didn't laugh until the butterfly; frankly thought you had lost your mind, but then I laughed out loud!

Poor little road animals.

Jane

Fancy Schmancy said...

Ha-ha, twice?! What the heck? I'll bet you were the kid that pulled only one wing off the fly and watched it confusedly walk around in circles.

Gwen said...

HA! Hilarious! Don't feel bad, I laughed, too, and hard.

Samsmama said...

That Seinfeld episode is hilarious! "We have a deal!!!"

Girl Interrupted said...

You're just a one-man killing machine, aren't you Mo!

Is that where the "Mad Dog" nickname comes from?

Jan @ Struck by Serendipity said...

That's so funny. I think you're helping the bird & butterfly populations through 'survival of the fittest' challenges.

I have a rule that if someone has to clarify something in italics at the end of a post to defend themselves, they're generally full of crap. Just saying...

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!