Wednesday, 8 July 2009

So anyway, a penguin moonwalks into a fish and chip shop...

The fish and chip shop came well recommended. There's nothing I enjoy
more than circling a chippy's lobby like a vulture before masticating
a battered fish.  I love fish.  In some ways I'd like to be a penguin,
especially when I'm sitting on a stuffy train with no elbow room, worn
out by the daily grind and listening to the rumblings of my ravenous
stomach.  Oh to slide about on ice all day eating fish.

On this occasion my wild, abandoned hopes of fatty bliss were kicked
in the groin.  The shop was run by a group of contemptible
adolescents, sulkily going about their business with a clear disdain
for the customers.  Not to worry, I thought, it doesn't necessarily
mean the food is bad. The girl took my order without making any eye
contact, her voice a bored monotonous drone. I suspect that even if a
penguin moonwalked in, chirped merrily and ordered cod and chips, her
reaction would be emotionless.

She had false nails, giant acrylic things that could easily poke out
an eye. I've always felt a bit queasy when served food by a French
manicure, imagining the telltale *crunch* as you bite down on a tasty
piece of Haddock.

And then I noticed she only had nine false nails.  My appetite has
suffered permanent damage and I may never fully recover from the
trauma.  Needless to say I will not be going there again.

Fish anyone?

54 comments:

Sass said...

I'm gagging as I write this.

When I was in college, our cafeteria served rice pilaf. My roommate and I were eating together, when she totally freaked out.

She had a fingernail in her rice. And it was NOT a fake nail. It was someone's chewed off thumbnail.

Or some other really big fingernail.

Ugh. Gross.

Princess Andy said...

i've never had an artificial nail come off into food before...but i can imagine it would add quite the interesting texture.

the problem i would have in this situation is eating food prepared by uneducated half wits who i'm sure have never heard of the word masticating. or cross contamination.

andy:)

Eric said...

'Oh, it's one of them 'outside' fish bones...' *resumes eating*

kidding...

otherworldlyone said...

I hate fake nails in general. They're a nuisance. But teenagers like that bother me more. Ugh.

lizspin said...

Was that my daughter?

Oh, I forgot, she sells pizza here in the states! But Veggie moved to England just yesterday. . .

So watch out . . . Your stomach may never be safe again!

Vodka Mom said...

that is GROSS.


I may never eat fast food again. Wait. I don't.

jpooh said...

Hey, I live practically down the street from that Red Robin restaurant that served the salad with the fingertip in it a couple of years ago.

It's getting to the point where more and more restaurants here in the states won't let their female employees wear fake fingernails for that very reason. A lot of times the health department will write them up for it.

Mr London Street said...

If you masticate a fish you deserve everything you get. You people should be locked up.

Scope said...

Sass - It may have been a toe nail.

I know that thought will now haunt you all day.

diane said...

It gives a whole new meaning to fish and "chips", doesn't it?
One of my customers has bright green "tallons". I don't really see the point.

Courtney said...

Sick.

We were eating breakfast at a "greasy spoon" sort of a place one day. When the waitress came to take our order, the skanky band aid on her finger fell off and on to our table. We all just sat there and stared at it. She slowly looked down, picked it up and walked away without saying anything about it.

I was grateful it didn't fall off in to my hashbrowns, but was still 100% disgusted.

Char said...

Don't you know, we wouldn't eat out EVER, if we think about it too much. UGH!

Hit 40 said...

I have worked at several food establishments as a kid. We were not allowed fake nails or even painted nails.

I would have left when I saw 9 nails. Yuck!

I also love fried fish with chips! I need to come try some on the other side of the pond.

Samsmama said...

About a million years ago I was working at a pizza joint (Hut) and looked down and one of my tacky fake nails was missing. Luckily I found it in the ice bin before I served it to anyone.

Harmony said...

LMAO @ Eric

The missing nail IS digusting. But you had me wanting to leave by describing the general feel of the place.

Visualizing you as a moonwalking penguin smacked a permanent smile on my face this morning..thanks for that!

Audra said...

Just eww at the missing nail

The Jules said...

Heh, fish-fingers. Heh.

Tooj said...

Teenagers need to be shoved back in and redone. Seriously. I've had my fill of them personally and vicariously through this post.

miss. chief said...

AAAAGH i would have just gotten up and left. that's too much.

C.B. Jones said...

false nails are high in fiber you know.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Barf.

That is all.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Eww.

On the plus side, I made fried fish and BBQ ribs yesterday. My hubs and son had a chow fest at home.

cactus petunia said...

Ewww.

I once found a nasty shriveled up band-aid in some left over fried rice from a restaurant. Thankfully it wasn't on my fork when I found it. It was a long time until I could eat Chinese food again.

Minka said...

Yuck! I'll never be able to eat that again... Not that I'm a fried food fan....

Valerie said...

google "what lives under your fingernails" and that is gross enough for me even if the actual finger nail didn't make it into your food. Also- didn't you see the march of the penguins? Those guys have it pretty rough.

Kat said...

I am still looking for a decent chippy here in my area. The one in the closest town is entirely too greasy. I can handle grease, just not the amount on the cod there. *shudder*

Stacie's Madness said...

fish and acrylics...yummy.

Nikki-ann said...

Urgh!

Lola Lakely said...

I heart you and I heart this blog.

Especially now that it has introduced me to the mastication of fish. I say again, thank you.

LiLu said...

I thought yours grossed me out, but Sass had to totally one up you. VOMITOUS.

The Stiletto Mom said...

OMG, that is just so gross! Thanks for that visual that will not soon leave my brain. The next time I come across something crunchy I'm probably going to faint...and then blame you. :)

rubbish said...

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bar man "has my brother been in?" to which the bar man replies, "what's he look like?".

Diane said...

Oh, ick.

But I have to thank you.

I was hungry before I started reading this. I didn't want to eat, though.

Now I'm not hungry.

And again, ICK.

Beth said...

Well. I'm just speechless.

Kidding.

My husband works in the food service industry and it is hard as shit to find good employees. He just came home today to tell me that he had to fire someone today. But I think that chick he fired still had all 10 of her fingernails. At least there is a positive.

the mama bird diaries said...

I'm sure the penguin ate the acrylic nail.

jadedj said...

35 commments by the time I got here. So, at the expense of being redundant, because I am out the door...my take on this is...fuck em...don't go back. Twits, missing one fingernail...probably in your Haddock, or grease, or some sort.

And have you ever considered that they picked up on your unhappiness, and spit in the chips? Just sayin'

blognut said...

Oh, c'mon! Don't be such a snob. Fingernails are really good for you.

Pilgrimcents said...

Yuk.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

adolescents and service; they just don't equate.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

It would be worse if you noticed TEN nails when she took your order, but NINE when she served it to you. (gagging!)

mo.stoneskin said...

(comment emailed in by Braja)

Mo, love, I hate to tell you this, but according to Indian culture and ancient philosophical and scriptural texts, the mood of the person handling the food *does* make a difference to the smoothness of operations, the cleanliness, the quality, and the taste. Hence the lost fingernail. Ahem....

Simon said...

Ha. I think everyone else has already covered the obvious comments, so I shall just recall the chippy I went to in the town I last lived in: it was, for some unknown reason, called ‘Biffo’s Magic Chip Shop’ by we locals, and was run by a man and his wife in what had been the front room of a two up, two down. It was a great place – I was never into fish much, but the chips were heavenly. Extremely unhealthy no doubt, but heavenly. My mouth is watering just thinking about them.

Sorry. I just wanted to say that.

Debbie said...

Just the kind of story I like! One with a gross factor.

Captain Dumbass said...

Well, I guess it depends how good the batter is.

I think the worst nails are the Asian guys that leave one pinky nail long. That's just wrong.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Ewwww! I think I'm swearing off fish and chips from now on... ;)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

ewwwwwwww!

I hate fish as it is and now I know I will never turn that around. I am scarred for life!

Frogs in my formula said...

Mmmmm. I just threw up in my mouth.

bernthis said...

Ugh! God that is gross. I may never eat fish again either

♥ Braja said...

I'M BACK!!! My computer!! It's fixed!! Yes!!

OK I've calmed down now.

Well hell, it's been THREE FREAKIN' WEEKS.

And just so you know? I'm gonna copy and paste this comment and post it on all the blogs I visit....:))))

JennyMac said...

Ugh.....my mom found a real fingernail in her salad at TGIFridays about ten years ago. No, it was not our idea to go there and YES, it saved me from ever visiting it or anything like it again. GROSS.

Gwen said...

If you were a penguin you'd also be all dapper in a tux 24/7, which is made of awesomesauce.

p.huong said...

Rubio's has fish taco Tuesdays (fish tacos for $1.25 after 2:30 pm.) Wanna go get some?

Girl Interrupted said...

Well frankly I'm disappointed! I was sure this would be some kind of hilariously irreverent Michael Jackson tribute ...

San Diego Momma said...

That might be worse than the cigarette butt I found at the BOTTOM of my pasta bowl.

You know? At the BOTTOM? The thing you see after YOU'VE EATEN THE WHOLE BOWL? Only to see the cigarette butt resting there? AT THE BOTTOM?

Good God.

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!