Tuesday, 14 July 2009

The Evil Antagonists (Prompt Tuesday #64)

San Diego Momma's prompt this week is:

Make up a silly evil scheme. Even better? Dream up an evil antagonist and write a story about the dreadful thing he plans to do.

I'm glad she chose this prompt. It was only yesterday that, having spent half an hour in the post office queue behind a desultory pack of pensioners, I popped in to see an old university pal of mine, a failed physics graduate affectionately known as "Fish". These days Fish lives in his parent's basement, dividing his time equally between watching Ren & Stimpy and messing about with particle physics. After listening to me rant about the post office queue he rummaged around in a cupboard, found what he was looking for and handed it to me.

"What you need, my long-suffering friend, is one of these".

"A pen?"

"It's not a pen you fool, essentially it is a teleportation wand disguised as a pen. I was so fed up of those dithering halfwits you get at ATMs, you know, the time-wasting miscreants that faff about at the ATM for MINUTES, anything over twenty seconds is unacceptable, I had to do something about it. Basically, it is a particle accelerator. Of course, it is far more complex than that, but I won't bore you with the details. You identify your target a bit like the lassoo tool in Photoshop, all the while holding the clicker down. Then you point at the destination and release the clicker. Simple as that. Watch this."

He teleported an empty Fosters can into my groin. Aside from the exquisite discomfort I was in a state of awe, fear, and a desire to be truly evil came over me. "Shall we take this thing into town?" I asked. "Sure," said Fish, "but we can only use this for good." I nodded absent-mindedly, my mind was otherwise engaged, imagining entire post office queues sent to the White House, tailgaters finding themselves floundering in dirty ditches, wasps struck out of the air, yobs struck by a sodden bunch of duraniums..."

As we reached the post office a hideous queue snaked out the door. "Unacceptable," snapped Fish, and carefully circled the queue with his wand. I admired his skill, his effortless grace. He completed the selection with a pirouette, then slowly raised the wand and pointed at the sun. I came to my senses.

"Nooooooooooooo!"

44 comments:

Vodka Mom said...

HEY! You got a makeover, too!!!

Don't we both just look great??

xoxox

Vodka Mom said...

wait, was I supposed to comment about the post?

otherworldlyone said...

Oh, if only. I'd be zapping my red headed co-worker to the bottom of a swamp.

Samsmama said...

You, me, and a teleportation wand; we could take over the world!

Comedy Goddess said...

What is it about pens that brings out the villain in all of us!?

I think you and Vodka Mom look great with your new fresh faces!

Eric said...

No love for the ATM users that appear to be executing a complex series of currency swaps, arbitrage transactions, and shareholder proxy fights while I'm standing in the queue.

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

worst ATM offenders: those who have 14 assorted debit/credit cards, and attempt to get cash from ANY of them. Of course, there hasn't been any money in those accounts since 1997. And it takes them 12 minutes to figure it out. I wish they had asked me - I knew it when I saw they were in a 1987 Crown Victoria and were wearing beach flip flops that belonged in the rubbish.

Ananda girl said...

Thank you! Now I have one of those in my head and it will be marvelously therapeutic, if not totally real. sigh.

diane said...

You are a strange little man....with an empty coffee can up your *ss, evidently. I mean this in the best possible way.

San Diego Momma said...

New Mo words/phrases to adopt into my boring vernacular:

"Faff about..."

"Yobs struck by a sodden bunch of duraniums."

P.S. What is a "yob?"

P.P.S. What is a "duranium?"

P.P.P.S. I got the "faff" down.

Amy said...

This is awesome, especially the name Fish. I needs me one of those fancy pens at work. heh.

What's a yob? That sounds like a label that would come in handy.

Simon said...

“Sure, but we can only use this for good.”

A sadly underused phrase in modern literature.

the girl with the pink teacup said...

Of course, he neglected to define what he meant by "good"...

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I, for one, truly appreciate Fish's evil genius. First, empty beer cans to the coin purse. Second, grumpy pensioners dispatched into the sun.

Surely Mimes will end up on the bottom of the ocean next, right?

Call Me Cate said...

I'd like my zap my boss somewhere VERY far away. But then they'd just replace him with someone equally as clueless.

Captain Dumbass said...

Could you lasso yourself and still bring the pen with you?

Also, an empty Foster's can? Little sensitive, are we?

Tooj said...

What you needed to do was simply find a time that the post office ISN'T busy. I'm thinking this problem lies more in your scheduling and less on the poor pension people. Just sayin'.....Oh, this was just a story???

Slyde said...

that was outstanding! well done!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Can I borrow the pen? Use it while I am teaching?

blognut said...

I need to understand why you don't just stop mailing things all the time. You repeatedly torture yourself with these trips to the post office and I can't quite understand it.

jpooh said...

Oh, well, as long as it operates like the lasso tool in Photoshop, I'm good to go. Just keep it away from that $@#%ing pen too, okay?

And order one up for me - I have some clients that need to be zapped somewhere. It would be good, trust me.

JennyMac said...

where might I find a teleportation wand...FAST!

Cora said...

Niiiiice bloggy makeover. Everyone seems to be doing this lately. I'm starting to feel like my blog is wearing the same smelly shirt day after day after day. Hmm. Might be time for a change....

cactus petunia said...

Hmmm. Can only be used for good, you say? Isn't good a relative term?

Hit 40 said...

Nooooooooooo? Why not?? I need one of those pens.

rubbish said...

Superb Mo. Your imagination is even wilder than mine.

LiLu said...

I would not do well with a power like that.

Well, I would... the rest of the world would not...

Frogs in my formula said...

Does this mean you have to poop out the Foster's can? Ooof.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Oh, dear. Weren't you only supposed to use your newfound powers for good? Never mind, I wouldn't have either.

Michel said...

I would totally mis-use that technology!! And yet, I find that I kinda want that!!

What the hell is a yob???

SweetPeaSurry said...

"It's not a pen you fool, essentially it is a teleportation wand disguised as a pen."

I checked e-bay and I cannot find one of these ANYWHERE! Do you think they're sold out?

Any suggestions?

blessings!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I need a teleportation wand. I could make all the obnoxious OC women disappear!

jadedj said...

So here I am after stumbling on a neat new blog, with a fantastic story about a wand and magic and zapping and all sorts of English jargonishy jargon which went right the zip by me...and what? This is Mo "Mad Dog"! Damn, as they say in Jersey (New that is) wot hoppen? Wait...I know, you used the wand on your blog. Good thinking.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I could seriously use that wand...but I couldn't promise to use it only for good...well, not mostly, anyway.

david mcmahon said...

The only thing better than an empty Foster's can is a full Foster's can.

Beth said...

I've never had a friend named Fish but I want one now.

Girl Interrupted said...

Woah! Fish sounds hot! Is he single? Can you fix me up?

Ps: Sublime storytelling as usual, Mr Stoneskin

♥ Braja said...

Oh we're all so blog-smart. Facelift city, buddy.... c'mon over and see what I mean :) Not quite finished but gettin' there.

Oh...a comment? Er...what was the post about? Somethin' to do with the sun getting whacked with a cold Fosters?

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

I always found Ren and Stimpy a bit harsh to watch. I mean, i enjoy the subversive humor but, the grossness of it . . . i don't think i am guy enough for that show.

otherwise

HOLY SHIT!! this is a good post! :)

p said...

What a twisted ending..

I have a friend named Fish. And she's probably smart enough to make a teleportation wand. I'll send her this idea.

Debbie said...

I love things disguised as pens. Or really anything in disguise. Must be why I watch James Bond movies with my sons.

Harmony said...

Oh how I love the way your mind works. Great story Mo...teleportation wand? Inventive!

Gwen said...

Ooooh! I'd be lassoing my own ass to the beach posthaste, forthwith and repeatedly.

Nej said...

I could have used this on my drive in to work this morning! Brilliant!!! :-)

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!