Monday, 20 July 2009

Stress, Puke and Trauma, but at least I got to experience irony on a new level

We were sitting in the car at Calais docks, third in the queue, tired, uncomfortable and covered in baby puke. Seven hours driving in the July heat, the car stank, we stank, the baby stank. The baby was to blame. Babies are always to blame.

"I stink," I complained.

"Why don't you get changed?" replied my wife.

"What, now?!"

"Sure, I'll keep watch, you'll feel much better."

She was right. I would feel much better. Not that getting changed was straightforward. There were lanes of cars either side of ours, people were milling about, impatient with the delay. Small children running, smokers smoking, dogs yapping and elderly folk getting up to their usual mischief. To complicated things further I was wearing my swim shorts. You know, surf shorts with a sort of netted lining, the type you don't wear underwear with. I had worn them to make the drive more comfortable, not envisaging a scenario where I would be getting changed in the car.

"OK," I said, the thought of feeling fresh and clean spurred me on. My thoughtful wife had packed a change of clothes in our day bag, and after several hours engulfed in the stench of regurgitated milk I was ready for anything.

I unfolded my jeans and boxers, placed the boxers on top of the jeans and waited for my wife's signal.

"All clear," she said.

Shorts off.

"Watch out," she warned, as an old man wandered by.

I grabbed my boxers and covered myself. When he had passed (and oh how slow he was walking) I battled with my boxers. It's surprisingly difficult to get them on quickly when you have a damn steering wheel in the way, a pair of shorts tangled round your feet and the fear of little Mo being seen by a dock attendant. As I muttered, cursed, and sweated like a badger, my wife got the giggles. You simply cannot trust women.

Someone got out of the neighbouring car. I grabbed the map and pretended to be studying it. The twit lingered for a moment, looking about aimlessly before finally lumbering off. With a final flurry of activity, muttering, scrambling and panicking, I got my jeans on.

Thirty minutes later we were in the "family room" on the ferry. Our just-crawling baby crawled up to me. I scooped her up, held her above me as she squealed with excitement, then lowered her down to give her a kiss and a cuddle. Just as I kissed her she puked, with all the force of an exploding hydrant. It went in my mouth, all over my t-shirt, and down my jeans.

On the plus side, I experienced irony on a new level.

61 comments:

otherworldlyone said...

"Elderly folk getting up to their usual mischief"... hahaha! Too right.

When I'm feeling nostalgic about the kid when she was cute, cuddly, and mostly mute...wishing for that time again, I'll come back and read this.

Gah! I hated the projectile vomit. Except in my case it was much worse. She'd go, and then I'd go. We were a team, you see.

Changing in the car is more of a woman's talent. Obviously. =)

Cora said...

Never trust babies, Mo. NEVER. This is coming from a nanny.

;-)

Mary said...

Cora is so right- never EVER trust a baby. They are always up to no good.
Sorry about the puke-in-the-mouth. It was gross enough to distract me from the changing in the car :)

Kristine said...

Hehe. Ahh, babies. They're great for stories. If it makes you feel better, mine won't stop puking either. Seems to be trying to make a sport of it as his aim is getting uncanny.

♥ Braja said...

"...elderly folk getting up to their usual mischief." Evil with wisdom. They teach babies to puke on clean parents. It's true.

Simon said...

I’m sorry about your misfortunes – really! – but I’d also like to thank you for giving me my first good laugh of the day.

Girl Interrupted said...

Ah Mo! Thank you!

Thank you for making me grin and chuckle like a loon today.

And thank you for helping to effectively nip my growing broodiness in the bud.

Hit 40 said...

I have to ask if your mixing powered formula? This tends to give projectile vomiting. You might want to switch to the over priced pre made cans of formula to see if the food stays down better.

sorry... I guess I am at heart just a mommy blogger!!

Call Me Cate said...

I'm pretty sure she saved that last explosion specifically for the occasion. I've become quite talented at changing clothes in moving vehicles but only when Joe is driving. Mostly.

jpooh said...

I have to say I saw that one coming from a mile away. Or a kilometer, since you're on the lovely metric system.

This is the kind of thing that makes my husband and I so happy that our own children are now of child-bearing age. Oh, yes indeedy.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Every time I think "wow, I sure did enjoy the kids when they were little", either someone tells a story of being puked on or I think about how I got puked on and then all those happy thoughts go "poof"!

I've changed in the car before. Being that I didn't care who might and might not have seen me (plus, I didn't go all nude), the change went a lot quicker.

the girl with the pink teacup said...

Oh, mo. I'm with Girl Interrupted: so hilarious that my laughter drew an odd stare from The Boy, yet oh so frightening. I love your writing.

I'm also forced to ask: how on earth is the netted lining of those shorts more comfortable than underwear? Especially when seated?

Vodka Mom said...

that was hysterical! But, it DOES bring back memories. When Bitchy was brand new, we had her strapped in her car seat in Tightwad's BRAND NEW TRUCK.

Projectile vomiting ensued. yeah.

Scope said...

Quiz:

Did your wife:
1) Show deep compassion to your plight.
2) Mumble, "Welcome to my life, Mr. Man."
3) Laugh so hard, she almost couldn't breathe

And please tell me you at least lifter the tilt steering wheel up and out of the way. That's a rookie mistake.

Comedy Goddess said...

I think I just threw up a little too.
But really, I thought everyone knew how to get undressed and redressed in a car. Wait. Does that make me sound like a slut?

Fenix35 said...

"Elderly folk getting up to their usual mischief"

That really cracked me up too! Excellent read!

Shana said...

Kids, no matter what the age, make great blog fodder!!

Eric said...

Changing in the car is never fun, and I'll bet the cars are a bit smaller in the UK too...

Here is a post that yours reminded me of from the fabulous WendyB...

Harmony said...

Oh no! Although being a parent, I was fully expecting that. Sorry Mo.

Isn't it funny that we know the consequences of playing with the baby in the air, but we do it anyway?

diane said...

I have many memories that parallel your experience. Thanks so much Mo., for reminding me of those days. Your story is hilarious, and I think I have a little crush on you now. One other thing, when you get to be a grand parent, like me, you get to do it all over again. Ah, the never ending cycle of poop & puke.

blognut said...

I can change clothes from head to toe, while driving, and I don't care who sees it! :)

Also, babies always puke on you as soon as you change into something clean. It's like the first rule in the baby book, I think.

Soda and Candy said...

bleeeuuuurrghhhhh.

in the mouth!!!

Jeanne said...

I think you worried too much about people sighting Little Mo -- you were still in France, after all.

JennyMac said...

HAHAHAHAHA. If only you could hear my loud raucous of laughter. Sorry...its just TOOOO funny.

Amy said...

Oh oh oh! As soon as you lifted her up I saw it coming!

You're a good sport to blog it. And I can't say I blame your wife for the giggles.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Oh, you poor thing, that's just gross.

Now I know why my son cuts the netting out of his swim trunks and always wears his boxers under them.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Babies ARE always to blame. And old folks are usually up to mischief.

Loved this post.

Ananda girl said...

You're right... you can't trust women. I giggled right along with your wife. Great story!

Baby puke in the mouth... been there. My sympathies, Mo.

cactus petunia said...

I hope the rest of your day was uneventful!

C.B. Jones said...

Ahh, puke irony. It should be considered a right of passage.

You are officially now a man.Feel free to take off your pants in broad daylight is you wish. Wave little Mo like a baton, because real men have no shame!

Millennium Housewife said...

Husband calls those net bits in shorts string vests for the penis. Although hammock would also work...

Tooj said...

Yup. Men do the damnedest things in cars too. Did you at least think to tilt your steering wheel all the way up to give you a bit of room? Not that I know...ah, hell, of course I know from personal experience. Move the seat all the way back, lean it all the way back, tilt the steering wheel, and THEN you can start the transition. It really makes for a quicker slide off/slide on move. The lean in the seats gives so much more space!

Babies are always to blame. We think a lot alike, my friend. a LOT alike.

The Rambler said...

I love babies...I love mine...but vomit and me...

Yup. I just puked a little in my mouth.

Yuck.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

This post brings back fond memories of Laura puking on Tom, just as he was all dressed and leaving for work. And also of the time he stepped in her poo, which didn't quite make the toilet during potty training.

Love, Another Woman Who Cannot Be Trusted

Madame DeFarge said...

At least your wife wasn't puking at the sight of the changing. That would be really bad.

lizspin said...

Precisely why I don't like kids! Not even my own. . .

Samsmama said...

Puked IN your mouth? Oh, man, that's brutal.

And "little Mo"? Sorry to hear that.

Mr. Condescending said...

What would be funny is if bubba laughed after it!

Changing in the car is a real pain, I have a large SUV which helps, but still very odd and frustrating.

The Peach Tart said...

Mo you were really having a stinky day and puke in your mouth. That would have made me puke on the baby.

Michel said...

i gotta tell you, that's disgusting. It also cements my resolve not to have kids.

Parents are much better people than I am!

Fragrant Liar said...

Mo, don't ever fall for it. They do it deliberately. It's actually nature's way of preparing you for their teen years. This is just bootcamp, baby.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Oh... that makes me so happy that I don't have a baby anymore. However, toddlers are not without peril: I got soaked by an errant (at least I am telling myself it was errant) water balloon today!

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

ah, the joys of parenthood. can't wait to join you someday. hopefully soon.

ladytruth said...

Maybe you need to wear one of those baby bibs to prevent future disasters like these?

Organic Meatbag said...

Thank you sir! That is yet another reason I can add to my "Reasons to not have children" checklist... it grows and grows every day...

Audra said...

Babies are so awesome

Bev said...

This was a hoot! I've soooo been there, done that. You're right; babies are ALWAYS to blame!

Good thing they're cute!

Captain Dumbass said...

It's always nice to hear that happening to other people. Ah, regurgitated milk. There's nothing quite like it.

Gwen said...

Reason No. 432 not to have children.

Slyde said...

puke in the mouth?


and someone else's?



god, now IM gonna barf...

Not The Rockefellers said...

When people ask you about unconditional love this is the story you should tell.

Would you die for them is one thing...

Would you take a puke in the mouth from them?

Well that is quite another.

Wonderful post! It had a bit of everthing!

Peace - Rene

Frogs in my formula said...

That should be a comic strip. Seriously. It's scripted perfectly.

And geez, you stand in queue an awful lot.

Jason, as himself said...

Ahhhh, yuck!

I loved the story, though. Especially the panicked squirming out of your shorts and into your boxers and jeans.

All to be puked on again.

the mama bird diaries said...

it went in your mouth?! oh heavens.

Stacie's Madness said...

awe, the life of a parent, isn't it great???

mauahahahaha

Lola Lakely said...

I think we should blame babies for all the world's evils. That would be fun.

Can't relate to the baby puke, since it is against the laws of god and man that I procreate, but I relate to the irony.

Jan @ Struck by Serendipity said...

Ha, baby spit up is the worse. My friend had twins 4 weeks ago & I always do a "puke smell check" before deciding which baby I want to hold. I act like I'm just saying hi to them, but I'm totally smell-checking them.

Ms. Salti said...

Oh God, that's awful! But how was being naked in a car, even if only for a few seconds?

Nej said...

Irony...gotta love it.

Most of the time. :-)

bernthis said...

Nothing, and I mean nothing, smells worse than throw up from ANYONE. I once held a baby up and the mother warned me had not been well and naturally, he puked all over my sweater and I was not a mom back then. It was awful

Pamela said...

Ananda Girl referred me to this post. Well done!

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!