Thursday, 2 July 2009

A Remarkable Exhibition of Slightly-wined Brainwork

Our first night on holiday and I was woken from my deep, Côtes du Rhône-fuelled sleep with a start. Bubba was screaming and my wife was shaking me. "Wake up," she hissed, "help me turn on a light." The room was completely dark, I couldn't see a thing, not the bed posts, not the dark outline of the wardrobe, not even my own hand. Bubba had probably lost her dummy (soother), woken to find she couldn't see anything and totally freaked out. I understand. I'd hate to lose my dummy on a dark night.

My wife was trying to turn on her bedside lamp and (apparently) failing miserably. I reached to find mine, sending books and cash to the floor and narrowly avoiding knocking over a glass of water. I took a sip to restore my equanimity and then focused my attention on the light. Damn that Côtes du Rhône, I thought, as my keys crashed down the back of the table.

A man of settled habits, this kind of nighttime scenario stresses me out no end. I ran my hand down the wire, fumbling in vain for the light switch. Must be one of those "slide-block" switches, I thought, finding the bulb and sliding my hand downwards. Nothing. Damn those modern light-makers.

My wife had given up and was now trying to calm Bubba down from across the room. I still couldn't see anything. A thought came to me, if only I could retrieve my phone from our bag it would provide enough light to find the light switch.

In a remarkable exhibition of slightly-wined brainwork I planned the operation. Walk slowly forward until reaching the door (main light switch not an option as it would further wake the baby). Shuffle to the left until reaching the wardrobe. Inch round the wardrobe until positioned directly in front of its centre. Take a few steps back until reaching our bags.

I was just in the process of inching round the wardrobe when the light came on. My wife had resumed her search and found the light switch.

"Thanks for helping," she snapped*, as I stood by the wardrobe stark-naked and blinking like a rabbit in headlights. I said nothing, rescued my keys and got back into bed. A man always knows when his efforts are unappreciated. Ultimately the problem with rural France is that there is no light pollution. On the upside, there is Côtes du Rhône.

* When I mentioned this in the morning after she didn't remember snapping at me. But if you read about the time she effectively accused me of wearing slippers in bed this will not surprise you!

44 comments:

Mr London Street said...

The tags "France", "naked" and "wine" suggest a far more fun story than the nightmarish vision you have depicted. But then I'm no fan of infants.

jpooh said...

Actually, after having lost my dummy about 16 1/2 years ago, I can say that it's a rather pleasant experience.

I just wish I'd been able to lose him in complete darkness. Oh, well - I guess we can't have everything.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I love it when your best intentions fall short. It makes for such fun blog posts.

Jealous of the whole in France drinking wine trip.

Diane said...

Sometimes you put pictures in my head that stay there for days. Not that I mind, mind you ;)

Stacie's Madness said...

mauahahahah.

and then
Mr London Street's comment.

oh my goodness.

this was funny

Princess Andy said...

wine fueled sleep is the bestest kind.

and thanks ONCE AGAIN for the image of your naked ass;)

good effort, though...poor bubby scared and without her soother.

andy

Courtney said...

The mental picture of you when the lights came on gave me a good chuckle.

ps: I too am jealous of this wine drinking trip to France! sounds right up my alley!

Eric said...

They must have a professional light switch location obfuscator on staff. French hotels are bad about that.

Amy said...

Oh, the mental picture of you naked, blinking like a bunny in the headlights!! Thanks. I'm all giggly now.

Mr. London Street's comment is very funny.

It sure would be fascinating if your wife had a blog.

blognut said...

Now if you would simply do what I do - which is keep your cell phone under the pillow - none of this bad stuff would have happened. And none of us would be left with the mental image of you stark naken and blinking like a rabbit in the headlights either.

San Diego Momma said...

Bubba sounds like a boxer. I'd like to help you choose a more suitable baby girl name. How about Pinky?

diane said...

I can so relate to this. When we honeymooned the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Cute Hubby jumped up and started smacking the lamp on the night stand. To this day, I never really understood what he thought he was doing.

Call Me Cate said...

Your best efforts just weren't good enough. That's what you get for living with a woman. We're impossible to please.

Though some cotes du rhone would go a long way in helping.

Nikki-ann said...

LOL! I always keep my mobile phone by the bed so I at least have some light during the night if it's pitch black... Mind you, my phone lights up the room like Picadilly Circus in London! :D

lizspin said...

Next time leave the kids at home . . . the Cotes du Rhone goes better that way. . .

Gwen said...

I was worried she was going to threaten to kill you again. Whew.

Enjoy France!

*walks off humming, "there's a place in france where the ladies wear no pants; there's a hole in the wall where the boys can see it all . . ."*

Gwen said...

Scratch that. I was singing, not humming. Duh.

Hit 40 said...

I snapped at my hubby last night. Oh well...

You should buy a pile of the darn dummies. I always kept about a dozen everywhere. Hide one in your pocket just for these special occasions.

Samsmama said...

I got to "stark-naked" and I lost my train of thought.

the girl said...

Lesson from this: always ensure that Bubba is provided with a Côtes du Rhône-soaked dummy before bed...

Frogs in my formula said...

Mmm, that's my favorite kind of upside.

Soda and Candy said...

France, adorable baby, heavy sleeping, ingesting one's favorite beverage...

Why must you make me so jealous!!!

Beth said...

Ah. The imagery.

And I remember thinking my boys would never outgrow the darn dummies. They did but I don't remember when.

cactus petunia said...

I will never again travel without a night light after reading that post.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

At least you didn't leap straight out of bed, stand on your shoes left on the floor, sprawl into the door and knock yourself out like I've done.

Anna Russell said...

I'm on your wife's side. Sorry, but she sounds scarier than you.

Scope said...

That is just one of the reasons why my Blackberry is always on my beside table.

Always.

Audra said...

In February me, the kids and my sister went to Southern Ca to visit my family. The first night there Drew woke up in the middle of the night, freaked out and took off running full speed. His flight ended suddenly when he hit the door. I really expected to be asked to leave after that lol

g said...

Funny!! I hate those moments.

And for me, I am so blind without my glasses that if the fumbling knocks them to the floor, I might as well give up.

Hi, Mo - you caught me with the "publish" button pushed by mistake! Still working on that one.

Hit 40 said...

Your MJ thought got a good giggle also!!! Just wacky. Consistent!!!

Vodka Mom said...

you men are all alike.

Vodka Mom said...

AND, about that fourth of July traffic - aren't you in France? I have a feeling you all could care LESS about our independence day.

:-)

just a thought.

The Jules said...

Isn't the number one use for a mobile phone as a torch?

Even more than for making calls, apparently.

S'fact.

I read it.

Slyde said...

egads! my wife does the same thing. She will quite lucidly tell me something or do something during the night that she will flat out deny the next day.

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Mr. Condescending said...

Ahhh if only 'the clapper' had been installed. Clap on, Clap off!

p.huong said...

No joke, these newer model lamps are annoying to figure out. I hate it when my roommate falls asleep while studying and I have trouble sleeping with her lamp on.

I can't believe your wife doesn't remember snapping at you. You standing "stark-naked and blinking like a rabbit in headlights" sounds like an unforgettable image.

Girl Interrupted said...

Haha ... aw, poor Mo!

You paint such vivid mental pictures ... it seemed like I was right there searching for that bloody light switch with you and trying not to look at your bits

rubbish said...

This is exactly why you should always go to bed with an intumescent condom on. Have you learnt nothing yet? Always be prepared.

♥ Braja said...

The lengths I go to....honestly. Am on husband's computer to tell you to bow and be grateful cos you're the Diamond boy in the sidebar. Oh I know I'm so humble...

Fragrant Liar said...

HAHAHAHA. I just had to laugh about that. At least you tried!

Simon said...

Oh, God. This reminds me of the occasion when there was a power cut in the middle of the night once – that wouldn’t have mattered so much, but the event also set off the burglar alarm. I do actually have a small pocket torch near the bed for such events, but trying to function at 4 o’clock with an alarm dinning in your ears, in almost complete darkness, worrying what the neighbours are thinking, is something no one should have to experience.

Even worse, for reasons that are still not clear to me, the alarm had enough battery power to sound the siren, but not enough to allow it to be cancelled from the keypad. So I had to stumble around the house to find the phone number of the alarm company and wait for an engineer to come round to silence it… it is not an experience I wish ever to repeat.

Nej said...

If you weren't helping, then what was her reasoning for you standing naked in the middle of the room? :-)

Harmony said...

I don't know how I missed this post.

Aww Mo..I just love that you know not to turn on the "main" light in the room. That would have been the first thing Ant would have done and after hissing at him to turn it off, he would say "what?!". That's our song and dance.

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!