Friday, 20 March 2009

Falsely Accused : I DO NOT wear slippers in bed

I sauntered into the bedroom with the air of a man whose belly was full of venison, beer and wine. A startling coincidence as that was exactly what was in my belly. I was not pickled to the tonsils, far from it, but a fly on the wall would have noted a certain insouciance about me. It was bedtime and I was as happy as Larry.

My wife was already asleep. As I came in she lifted her sleepy head and made an outrageous demand of me.

"Darling before you get into bed please take off your slippers."

I laughed out loud. I have never gone to bed in my slippers. In fact I have never gone to bed wearing socks either. I prefer to sleep in my birthday suit with my feet unrestricted.

My wife has come out with similar nighttime chestnuts before. One time she was trying to get out of bed to go the toilet and found her foot tangled in the bed sheet. She woke me with a slap round the face . I kid you not. "That's NOT very nice," she scolded. I remember feeling very indignant. Being falsely accused of such a juvenile prank is bad enough, but nothing riles me more than being woken at 3am by a hamster gnawing at my nipples slap round the face.

In response to the demand to remove my slippers I decided to humour her.

"For you, my dear, I'll take off my slippers. But just this once."

Many thanks to Diane for giving me this lovely award. I'm going to give it to my most faithful commentor, Kylie from Slightly Cracked. I love her blog, every post is beautifully crafted and always makes me smile.

P.S. If you have plenty of time on your hands and/or you love me then please check out an old post of mine featured as a guest post here.

41 comments:

C.B. Jones said...

admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it.

Comedy Goddess said...

Is it true that the British legal system still assumes that one is guilty until proven innocent? Or maybe Mrs. Stoneskin was having a nightmare.

Debbie said...

Now that is funny! I love those crazy nighttime declarations.

Shana said...

That is funny!!
My darling daughter (when she was about 8 years old) once sat up in bed, singing: "I'm coming out so you better get the party started!"

The Girl Next Door said...

this is awesome! I love when people say random things in their sleep. and your blog is fabulous!

Thedailyspew said...

I had my girlfriend talk to me like I was her colleague, full on conversations about people to phone etc - she had a temper as well, I had to record it for her to believe it!!

Peggy said...

You're so sweet to your wife...I would love it if my husband talked in his sleep...oh, the fun I could have with that?!

Stacie said...

that is funny!

Dr Zibbs said...

I'll tell you what I wear to bed. Nothing.

Gwen said...

The word insouciance makes me giggle.

My ex-husband told me that one night I sat straight up in bed, looked right at him and firmly announced, "In our house, mister, you pulled your own weight or you got your ass handed to you", and then fell right back to sleep.

Tooj said...

I find it lovely that you complied. Once you take off your faux slippers, would you mind shipping them this way? My tootsies are chilled.

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

I also sleep with somebody who on occasion decides to slap and or poke me because of some imagined slight or indiscretion.

Damn divorce lawyers are so expensive in the states ....

Snarky A. said...

Ha ha! That is hilarious!
Both my husband & I do stuff like that while half/fully asleep. It is always hilarious for the more awake party.

Thanks to your wife for the laughs :)

Joanie said...

Poor Mo! Hahaha!!! John blurts out gibberish in his sleep sometimes. I wish I could remember them when he does.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Thanks Mo! That really means a lot to me! And I WILL put it on my blog. Next week, my course in digital imaging ends and I have to complete my "new" blog look, so next week my blog will change and then it will go up on my blog.

But really, it means a lot that you find me funny.

jpooh said...

If that hamster gnawing at your nipples really bothers you, send it over my way. I know someone who might appreciate it.

Was that TMI?

Comedy Goddess said...

I have noticed quite a few admissions by Englishwomen about slapping their mate across the face. Is this really common? We American dames would be slapped with a lawsuit I can assure you!

Cora said...

People should have their mouths taped shut when they are tired. Seriously. Sleepiness brings out all the most ridiculous things! I can't tell you the number of fights my hubby and I had when we were tired. He would just utter the most spastic things. Grr.

Congrats on the award!

Sass sent me here. Great blog! I love it!

Soda and Candy said...

Once, after a particularly horrendous deadline, I was thrashing around in my sleep. Husband put his arms around me, trying to calm me down, and I started pushing & hitting him, saying "Get off me, I have to fix the pages!"

He told me all this the next day. I had zero recollection of it.

Call Me Cate said...

It was very kind of you to remove those slippers for her. Such a good husband!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I laughed so hard at the slap that border collie crawled up into my lap to see if I was OK.

Congrat aplenty on the award. You totally deserrve it as you make everyhing funny. BTW I also mentioned you for same award week or so ago ; -) synchronicity

kari and kijsa said...

Too funny!!
blessings,
kari & kijsa

Diane said...

You're welcome.

You eat Bambi?!

Nikki-ann said...

I love visiting your blog, it always provides much humour!

Does your wife know she does/says these things? :D

lizspin said...

wait 'til I tell you what my husband did last night!

Oh, no, I can't. . .

Diane said...

It was Guinness regular, which I don't really care for much either. But there was NOTHING else on the beer list I did like, except for Corona, which I only drink with Mexican food. The bartender told me that Guinness in bottles is relatively new in the US. I know I've never seen them but I don't order it all that much either. And when I'm in England, I always drink pints and not bottles.

jerlyn said...

read your blog on Petra and Cpt
Dumbass "he said, she said"
You're one of the good ones!

ps feel lucky, I woke up one
morning karate chopping my bedside table. Husband is still scared to go to sleep!

Captain Dumbass said...

So what you're really saying is that you're a Hobbit.

the mama bird diaries said...

I wear my slippers to bed. Seriously.

Vodka Mom said...

that was classic....

bed wear? I will NOT be showing a pic of MINE.

The Mister said...

I get in trouble for stuff I say in my sleep all the time. Likely, "I'm up, I'm up" and then continuing to snore.

The Mister said...

I tried to leave a comment and botched the word verification three times. FAIL!

g said...

Slippers? I can't even keep track of socks much less slippers.

Sass said...

Oh, thank you for that out-loud chuckle that you just caused.

And i'm even smiling at my word verification.

Cheesses.

I don't know why, but that is cute.

Tooj said...

Okay, that thing in the profile where you can just click "email" and it'll pop you to do so doesn't work on my computer. So I can't just email you the meaning of the "rock chalk jayhawk" thing...if you feel like you want or need to know (since I might be mentioning it frequently over the next week or three), hit me up on email. LOL Otherwise, you can stay lost and just respond with "I agree." That would make me just as happy.
toojmama@gmail.com

Asphodel said...

hah socks it is for me.

I know I sleep talk but I wish I knew what I said... People don't seem to want to repeat it, which is not a good thing at all :-(

Ms. Florida Transplant said...

Makes me wonder if your wife has a slipper fetish. Try it out tonight.

thistlesandmapleleaves said...

Where, you have to ask yourself...did that come from?

Seriously...i would have been awake all night wondering...

Maria Roth said...

Ha! Apparently, just the other night, my husband, er, grabbed me (I won't go into details) when I was sound asleep, and I popped up and thrashed around, then went right back to sleep. I almost made him pee his pants, he was so scared. That'll teach him.

Nej said...

No slippers in bed? Wow, how do you live with such harsh rules in the house??? :-) :-)

I once, supposedly, woke up and slapped my hubby one night. Said I caught him cheating. Then went back to sleep.

I don't remember doing it, or remember having a dream that would make me do it. So, I still deny doing it, to this day. :-)

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