Tuesday, 17 March 2009

The Stupid Moose

I swung round and grabbed the cyclist by the scruff of his neck. "Listen to me you stupid moose," I said judiciously, "this is a FOOTbridge and if you don't get off your bike and walk I will pluck you from the saddle by your ear and chuck you in the river."

[The only reason I go to the gym is so that I can deal effortlessly with scoundrels like these.]

Truth be told this is just what happened in my head. I was too tired to be bothered and it was clear the cyclist had been drinking, so I moved over and let him past.

I am actually an irritable lunatic who is at his happiest when lambasting an innocent civilian for a harmless and trivial offence a pleasant easy-going sort of chap. I love my footbridge. The water, the boats, the planes overhead, all of these are a wonderful calming influence. But there is an ongoing problem with cyclists.

Basically the footbridge is too narrow to accommodate cyclists. There is simply not enough room for cyclists to safely pass pedestrians. Signs ask cyclists to dismount and even threaten fines if they do not. And this isn't even just the pedantic actions of a health-and-safety-obsessed council. There have been numerous accidents where cyclists have collided with pedestrians, including elderly folk and mothers with prams. However these incalculably selfish and brainless cyclists continue to plough over the footbridge.

When we first moved here we would politely step aside and let the buffoons past, but over time we became more and more frustrated. These days Mrs Stoneskin and I will stop and attack the cyclist in a collective screaming fit of uncontrolled rage ask them to dismount.

On this particular occasion I let the inebriated cyclist past. He reached the other side, took a sharp right, lost his balance and fell over the wall into the river. I stood above him pointing and laughing, letting him know that his misfortune was deserved and I would do nothing to help saw another pedestrian helping him out the river, so proceeded on my way, radiating satisfaction and fraternizing with the delightful joy that can be found where natural justice finds its course.

32 comments:

Peggy said...

So, cyclists are crazy everywhere huh? We have a lot of bike messengers in the city who are balls to the walls nuts! I'm in awe of their letter messaging skillz!

blognut said...

Hilarious! I was going to suggest scattering a few well-placed bricks across the footbridge to make sure the cyclists fell, but nature took care of it for you!

jpooh said...

At first I thought you meant a motorcyclist and I was all, "What the hell is a drunk guy on a motor cycle doing on a footbridge knocking over little old ladies and prams??"

Then I realized it was a bicycle and laughed when he fell in the water.

Linda said...

Mad Dog,loved this and the Goth wedding too. That is so cool where you can write mean vindictive stuff and cross it out but still have it be legible. On this side of the pond our keyboards won't do that. It's either revenge in or revenge out. You are funny!

Gwen said...

Keep a couple sticks in your pocket and shove them in their spokes as they whiz by. That'll teach 'em!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

If only you had been carrying a video camera and could post his well deserved come uppance.

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

we have insane people here on bikes, as well. Worse yet, they're all pompous, know-it-all Yalies who think, because their parents pay tuition to Yale, they own all the streets in the city - and don't give a flying fart if they cause traffic accidents.

San Diego Momma said...

Cyclists have the run of the land in my little town. As do surfers, skateboarders, and drunks.

It's a charming place.

As for you, looks like cyclist karma took care of the river dunker. Funny how that works out sometimes, isn't it?

g said...

Now I am feeling out of step here, because last week I actually caused a cyclist to fall, totally by mistake. I was crossing the beach-side bike/footpath and I was not sure about the etiquette - what side is for walkers, what side for bikers, or were the sides for each direction instead?

so when a biker came up behind me I stepped to the side and then back into his path stupidly for fear someone else would hit me and froze in fear and the poor man braked suddenly to avoid hitting me and fell.

I felt pretty awful.....

Morag Mortimer-Smythe said...

There should be a law that allows pedestrians to remove their saddles and replace them with a sharp pointy stick!

Call Me Cate said...

I'd totally have to lose my balance and topple a few. Totally obnoxious and unnecessary, especially since there's an actual good reason for hopping off the bike.

Minka said...

What would the police do with a drunk cyclist? Pay a high fine and sober up in jail? It's soooo irresponsible!

Anna Russell said...

I am now calling everyone who annoys me a stupid moose.

Comedy Goddess said...

I am in total agreement with you!

Tee hee. Moose. That's a good one!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Grr, I hate people that have no regard whatsoever for others and their surroundings! Obviously this guy was a doofus anyway, so life will punish him enough just for being him. lol. Case in point-him falling into the river-LMAO!

Captain Dumbass said...

I think, for therapeutic reasons, you should really just push them in the river. You'd feel much better all around.

Stacie said...

THAT'S KARMA BITCH.

I might have screamed that at him. Maybe.

Nej said...

Karma...you're usually not around to see it strike those deserving people, but when you are...it's time for celebrating...pointing of fingers...and laughing.

Diane said...

Stuff like that irritates me, too. At least in this case Karma was her bitchy self ;)

thistlesandmapleleaves said...

I love natural justice...i can think of at least three or four people whom i would love to see natural justice visited upon...it is in my prayers every night :)

Vodka Mom said...

karma. gotta love karma.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Poetic justice!

I am a cyclist, but I don't ride near pedestrians. But I do have issues with people who walk on the bike path.

Debbie said...

Ah, every dog has his day:)

Kat said...

Karma has it's way of taking care of pesky cyclists. The cyclists in Cambridge nearly killed my kids.

Joanie said...

Yup. Karma. Gotta love it.

She said...

I busted up when I read that this only happened in your head! (Me, too! A lot happens in my head!!!)

But the part where he fell in, that happened for real!!! Sweet.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahahaha! I love it. Natural justice indeed.

Cyclists are nearly always insufferable. In my town there are lots of bike lanes but they still insist on riding down the center of the road and/or weaving dangerously in and out of traffic as though road rules don't apply to them. I also hate cyclists who alternate between footpath & road with little to no warning. I hate them with a fiery passion, and I wish they would all fall in a river some day.

Thedailyspew said...

beautiful just beautiful

cactus petunia said...

Here in Portland, bicyclists ride around with chips on their shoulders. Out of necessity. Too many of them have been killed by crazy motorists.
But then again, ain't Karma a wonderful thing?

Lisa said...

snicker x

Maria Roth said...

That must have been wonderful, to watch the idiot fall into the river...

ric said...

情趣,情趣用品,情趣,sogo論壇,台灣論壇,plus論壇,plus,痴漢論壇,維克斯論壇,情色論壇,性愛,性感影片,校園正妹牆,正妹,AV,AV女優,SEX,走光,a片,a片免費看,A漫,h漫,成人漫畫,免費A片,色情網站,色情遊戲,情色文學,麗的色遊戲,色情,色情影片,同志色教館,色色網,色遊戲,自拍,本土自拍,kk俱樂部,後宮電影院,後宮電影,85cc免費影城,85cc免費影片,免費影片,免費小遊戲,免費遊戲,小遊戲,遊戲,好玩遊戲,好玩遊戲區,A片,情趣用品,遊戲區,史萊姆好玩遊戲,史萊姆,遊戲基地,線上遊戲,色情遊戲,遊戲口袋,我的遊戲口袋,小遊戲區,手機遊戲,貼圖,A片下載,成人影城,愛情公寓,情色貼圖,情色,色情網站,色情遊戲,色情小說,情色文學,色情,aio交友愛情館,色情影片,臺灣情色網,寄情築園小遊戲,情色論壇,嘟嘟情人色網,情色視訊,愛情小說,言情小說,一葉情貼圖片區,情趣用品,情趣,色情漫畫,情色網

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!