The Stupid Moose

I swung round and grabbed the cyclist by the scruff of his neck. "Listen to me you stupid moose," I said judiciously, "this is a FOOTbridge and if you don't get off your bike and walk I will pluck you from the saddle by your ear and chuck you in the river."

[The only reason I go to the gym is so that I can deal effortlessly with scoundrels like these.]

Truth be told this is just what happened in my head. I was too tired to be bothered and it was clear the cyclist had been drinking, so I moved over and let him past.

I am actually an irritable lunatic who is at his happiest when lambasting an innocent civilian for a harmless and trivial offence a pleasant easy-going sort of chap. I love my footbridge. The water, the boats, the planes overhead, all of these are a wonderful calming influence. But there is an ongoing problem with cyclists.

Basically the footbridge is too narrow to accommodate cyclists. There is simply not enough room for cyclists to safely pass pedestrians. Signs ask cyclists to dismount and even threaten fines if they do not. And this isn't even just the pedantic actions of a health-and-safety-obsessed council. There have been numerous accidents where cyclists have collided with pedestrians, including elderly folk and mothers with prams. However these incalculably selfish and brainless cyclists continue to plough over the footbridge.

When we first moved here we would politely step aside and let the buffoons past, but over time we became more and more frustrated. These days Mrs Stoneskin and I will stop and attack the cyclist in a collective screaming fit of uncontrolled rage ask them to dismount.

On this particular occasion I let the inebriated cyclist past. He reached the other side, took a sharp right, lost his balance and fell over the wall into the river. I stood above him pointing and laughing, letting him know that his misfortune was deserved and I would do nothing to help saw another pedestrian helping him out the river, so proceeded on my way, radiating satisfaction and fraternizing with the delightful joy that can be found where natural justice finds its course.