The Stupid Moose

I swung round and grabbed the cyclist by the scruff of his neck. "Listen to me you stupid moose," I said judiciously, "this is a FOOTbridge and if you don't get off your bike and walk I will pluck you from the saddle by your ear and chuck you in the river."

[The only reason I go to the gym is so that I can deal effortlessly with scoundrels like these.]

Truth be told this is just what happened in my head. I was too tired to be bothered and it was clear the cyclist had been drinking, so I moved over and let him past.

I am actually an irritable lunatic who is at his happiest when lambasting an innocent civilian for a harmless and trivial offence a pleasant easy-going sort of chap. I love my footbridge. The water, the boats, the planes overhead, all of these are a wonderful calming influence. But there is an ongoing problem with cyclists.

Basically the footbridge is too narrow to accommodate cyclists. There is simply not enough room for cyclists to safely pass pedestrians. Signs ask cyclists to dismount and even threaten fines if they do not. And this isn't even just the pedantic actions of a health-and-safety-obsessed council. There have been numerous accidents where cyclists have collided with pedestrians, including elderly folk and mothers with prams. However these incalculably selfish and brainless cyclists continue to plough over the footbridge.

When we first moved here we would politely step aside and let the buffoons past, but over time we became more and more frustrated. These days Mrs Stoneskin and I will stop and attack the cyclist in a collective screaming fit of uncontrolled rage ask them to dismount.

On this particular occasion I let the inebriated cyclist past. He reached the other side, took a sharp right, lost his balance and fell over the wall into the river. I stood above him pointing and laughing, letting him know that his misfortune was deserved and I would do nothing to help saw another pedestrian helping him out the river, so proceeded on my way, radiating satisfaction and fraternizing with the delightful joy that can be found where natural justice finds its course.

Empowerment?

I'm fed up of hearing about local empowerment, about giving power back to the communities. It is a load of nonsense, and it gets my goat. Like nothing else.

The things in the local community that I want to see changed I'm completely powerless about.

There are three things in my community that bug me. Dangerous driving, nuisance parking and "gimp grandchild" cyclists.

The main road from which our complex is accessed is plagued by dangerous drives. At one end of the spectrum you've got the boy racers, and at the other end you have the twit businessmen in their Mercs and BMWs.

Unfortunately, when I say dangerous I don't mean it is an accident hotspot. I just mean that it is a nightmare when you are crossing roads, trying to pull out onto the main road, or if you own that garage on the corner that has been crashed into twice in the last six months.

The local authorities won't do anything because statistically it is not an accident hotspot. When I say "do anything", I mean that if there were a couple of speed cameras, and if police were regularly in the area it would not be a problem.

But according to the police statistics (no idea why this is not the Highways Agency's statistics) there are not enough accidents to warrant any action.

In a similar vein, nothing will be done about the nuisance parking. The exit from our complex (a number of blocks of flats) is basically a T-junction. Cars park up one side of the stem, and right up to the junction on the main road.

Meaning that turning into the complex you can't see cars coming out, and frequently have to stop, reverse, shunt around and so on.

It also means that leaving the complex you cannot see the cars on the main road until they are right upon you.

So when combined with the frequent speeders, this is a nightmare, and a very dangerous one at that.

So, putting my empowerment cap on, I contacted the council. who sent me on to West Sussex Highways, who in turn send me on to the Highways and Transport HQ.

Several weeks later they get back to me to say that a) there is no intention to review the use yellow lines (or lack of) b) statistically it is not an accident hotspot and c) yellow lines can't be introduced "just because of" inconvenient parking and d) a bit of congestion is welcomed because it helps bring the speed down.

Hmm, yeah, brings the speed right down. So, what they really mean by "empowerment" is, um, "powerlessness" I guess.

And then there's those stupid cyclists. And I say that laced with grace and love. The footbridge is signposted "no cycling". This is not just to be annoying. This is because the footbridge is too narrow to cater for cyclists and pedestrians. The only acceptable thing to do is to get off your bike and push it over. It's only a short bridge dagnammit!

There are some cyclists who do this, but most are selfish imbeciles who do one of two things. The crash past you, forcing you out of your way, or they cycle right up against your heels the entire way, or until you despair and ask that they overtake. We've actually seen a cyclist crash into a pedestrian on this bridge.

But the police can't do anything, they have bigger and better things to do. Fortunately, being empowered and all, I can prevent them getting past, or knock them off my bike....

Just kidding. Honest.