Monday, 9 March 2009

The Nudist Beach

A number of comments on the last post suggested that the teenagers probably captured my naked incident on video. They are probably uploading to YouTube right this minute. Fame could well be knocking on my door. It is just unfortunate that the pool was so cold...

All this talk of nudity reminds me of a scene at Brighton's nudist beach a couple of summers back. As a compulsive anecodotalist I can't help but tell the tale.

When we lived in central Brighton one of our favourite walks as down to the seafront and along the promenade to the Marina, where we would stop for a drink (coffee in the winter, beer in the summer) before taking the cliff walk to Rottingdean, a village with an incredible fish and chip shop. Bellies full of fish and chips, we'd then stumble to the bus stop and get a ride home.

The promenade takes you past the nudist beach. The nudist beach is essentially a raised beach on the beach, a kind of three-sided fort of stones (the fourth side is the sea). I assume this is to protect the public's eyes, rather than to protect the nudists' privacy.

I mean let's face it, there's not really much point in protecting a nudist's privacy is there? They kind of signed that away when they took their clothes off...

Having said that I expect that if the nudists were not protected by a fort there would be a few hundred thugs lined up on the promenade, hurling eggs and tomatoes.

Anyway, the promenade is pretty high up, but all you can see is a mound of stones. Every few yards there are signs saying:

WARNING
Nudist Beach

It would be funnier if it said:

INFORMATION
Nekkid People Loafing About
No photos please


[If I was a bad man I would alter the signs to say exactly this]

It was a hot summer's day. Mrs Stoneskin and I were walking along the promenade past the nudist beach. Down below we could see a young family clambering up the stony slope onto the nudist beach. Mum, dad, and three little sprogs.

A better man would have tried to get their attention, tried to warn them. But a spectacle like this doesn't often present itself. What a fantastic opportunity to stay quiet and watch.

How long before they realise?, the missus asked.

Well it's peak season, I replied, there could be masses of them on the beach, butt-nekkid, a fleshy fest of nekkid glory. I'll give them 30 seconds.

The young family disappeared over the bank. Seconds later they emerged, running, literally pegging it, the panick-stricken stampede of a family that a minute ago were leisurely rambling up a bank of stones, and have now found themselves surrounded by a butt-nekkid army.

I looked at my watch.

That was 5 seconds, I said, 5 seconds flat.

25 comments:

Pamela said...

Not that this has anything to do with your post... but I saw your comment on The Mister, and wanted to suggest Pau d'Arco for the sinus problem you mentioned. It's an anti-bacterial/anti-viral herb that will dry up the crap in your sinuses without making you all dry and dehydrated. There is also a Pau d'Arco tea you can drink, but I'd rather eat handfuls of dirt. It tastes terrible.

Good luck.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Oh, that was priceless. Too bad you don't have that on video.

Sometimes, when the waves are up on the North Shore, big enough to keep us out, but with lulls between sets so the more ignorant tourists give it a go... Yeah. We stop. Have a set. Watch with great amusement when they get pummeled.

Mama Dawg said...

Awesome. I would have stayed. And maybe joined them. But not with my kid. No siree.

Call Me Cate said...

If you go to a nudist beach and then lay out in your swimsuit, do they look at you funny? I mean, not you specifically. Just in general.

Minka said...

I wouldn't stay either, but then again - why panic? What's the big deal

A friend of mine has a son (all grown up now) who once (aged 3 or 4)went to the bathroom when his dad was taking a leak (he didn't mean to, it just so happened). Then he went to the kitchen to his mum: You know, mommy, ad has a thing exactly like I do, only much uglier.. :D

He didn't make a big deal out of it, so why would anyone else...?

jpooh said...

Beloved's been promising to take me to GB for ages...so, where exactly did you say this beach is?? :D

Jan from the Sushi Bar

Stacie said...

that poor family, they got more than they bargined for at the beach that day!

Comedy Goddess said...

Oh Good God I forgot my original comment because the word verification is: prictan !!

You just can't make this shit up! How crazy is that?

Sass said...

I, oddly enough, would like to go to a nude beach. Although, I do believe it's probably true that it's mostly old, fat men.

Gwen said...

Are you a bribable man? Cuz I'll give you $5 to change the sign.

Captain Dumbass said...

That's ok, I'm sure the family went home and let their children watch something violent on tv so they could forget about the horrors they saw. Whew!

C.B. Jones said...

butt-nekkid army was to be the name of my alternative rock band. Too bad my potential band mates didn't comprehend the greatness of a lead singer using a wind chime as his instrument.

We could have become legendary.

Debbie said...

And the way people look these days, I am surprised that family wasn't out of there in 4 seconds!

Comedy Goddess said...

I just thought prictan as a word verification was so close to prick tan which is funny because your post is about the nudist beach you really don't frequent. wink wink

blognut said...

I would go there just for the opportunity to point and laugh at people. Oh, and I would totally have let that family walk onto the beach for amusement purposes too. I'm high-fiving you right now!

cactus petunia said...

Guess I'm just an old hippie...Long ago we used to frequent a clothing optional waterhole, with kids and dogs and relatives and friends. But that was in California. And We were MUCH younger. Now? Not so much!

Asphodel said...

Hahahah thats bloody awesome!

More funny are nude people on non nude beaches! Dude! Its amazing how they act immune to people ogling at them!

Lol anyhoo womens only beach in Italy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6Wz79P88Us&feature=related

Kylie w Warszawie said...

This reminds me of the gay clubs in Warsaw. A friend of mine went and she said that none of them are marked (it's like they're all underground kind of things), they don't look like clubs from the outside, and when you knock on the door they answer and say "Do you know where you are?" She said, "Duh. A gay club. 'Cause I'm gay."

It's kind of the same in the way that it's totally different.

The Friday Joker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Friday Joker said...

You will be glad to know that I have absolutely no intention of becoming a nudist (I am sure that you didn't suspect that I might, however, I was afraid that some timid souls might be lying awake in terror at the thought that your recent posts could have inspired me to inflict the image of my nekkid form upon the world - think of a hairy Mr Blobby and you will appreciate what a horror that would have been).

If I were ever to become a nudist mind you, a fine dry cider would doubtless help keep the cockles warm.

g said...

There used to be a very famous established nudist colony here in my canyon, started way back in the 40s or so. Friends who grew up here remember sneaking in to spy on them - I also have friends whose parents went there or even whose parents WORKED there.

Invariably, what kids speculated about as being racy and scandalous sex-orgies turned out to be a lot of bulging pasty people, reading the newspaper in the nude.

Tooj said...

Yea!!! I love their speediness! But you lie. You wouldn't take coffee in the winter...that totally ruins my image of tea drinking England people. You sure it was coffee?

Oh, and the flag was on a pole...so suffice it to say that T.O. was incorrect in his guess. BUT, if he were right, the flag was about 5'8".

Soda and Candy said...

LOL, that is awesome.

I feel I should tell you that I shall be referring to myself as a compulsive anecdotalist from now on, and wistfully thinking of fish & chips, which I have not had in a very long time... They don't really "do" f&c in America.

Nej said...

I love when life hands you a moment like that, and you get to see it all play out.

thistlesandmapleleaves said...

This post? had me laughing so hard i nearly fell out of the arm chair...

i need to make a point of dropping by to read your posts ESPECIALLY when then melodrama gets too much for me...better than anti-depressants and i thank you for that!

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!