Tuesday, 10 March 2009

The Tale of the Man Who Winked at a Girl

A couple of nights ago I went down the pub to watch the football. The place was packed. Armed with a pint I went in search of a seat. Two guys were sitting at a table right by the plasma screen. One of them was wearing shades. You'll know the type, very FBI, Jack Bauer wears them, so does every American cop in the movies, and so does David Beckham.

Don't get me started on those David Beckham shades. Times were bad enough with climate change threatening polar bears, Gorden Brown ruining our economy and two pints of milk costing over a quid. Now we have every yuppie in the country prancing about in David Beckham shades. It's the worst epidemic to hit Britain since The Plague.

The only free seat was at their table. I asked if I could join them.

"Help yourself," said Shades (a cheap and witless sobriquet, but I can live with that), "please excuse the shades." He removed them and I forgave him instantly. His eyes were bloodshot, the sockets were puffy and bruised black. The poor chap single-handedly redefined the term 'black eye'. Scratches covered his nose and forehead.

I didn't want to ask, but Shades told me. Late Saturday night he was filling up at the petrol station down the road. A white limousine pulled up. An attractive blond jumped out and went into the shop to buy some cigarettes. On his way in to pay she exited the shop. She flashed him a pretty smile and got back in the limousine.

"I smiled back but that was all,", said Shades, "I may have winked at her but it was nothing more than that."

When he exited the shop a huge black guy got out of the limousine. He was clad in a white tracksuit and was wearing a jewelry shop on each hand.

"He had SO much bling on," Shades said, wistfully, shaking his head, "he was apoplectic".

Jewelry Shop accused Shades of "eyein' up" his girl. Shades denied any wrongdoing. Jewelry Shop wanted to settle it there and then with a fight. Shades protested and pointed out the CCTV cameras. Jewelry Shop wanted to take the fight round the back. Shades refused. Jewelry Shop lunged at him. Shades knocked him down and ran towards his car.

"It was one helluva punch," he told me proudly.

Five thugs leaped out of the car, five heavily jeweled gorillas. They laid into him, beat the crap out of him, stamping, spitting, cussing, snorting, like a pack of fat bulldogs. Fat ugly bulldogs jeweled up to the hilt. They left him sprawled on the ground and headed back to the limousine.

Shades struggled to his feet and swayed giddily for a few seconds. "Is that the best you've got?" he yelled after them.

"It was the best moment of my entire life," he told me proudly, shaking his head dreamily, "it made it all worth it." On that note he got up, put his shades back on and left me to watch the football.

22 comments:

Mama Dawg said...

Crap like this NEVER happens to me. Not that I want to get beat up. I mean I'm a girl and all, but still. I'd like to hear stories first hand like that.

I need to get out more.

rubbish said...

The way this shithole of a country is going he's lucky to be alive.

C.B. Jones said...

Shades knocked him down with one punch only because all that Jewelry the guy had on threw off his equilibrium. He'd probably get thrown in a dumpster in any other situation.

Call Me Cate said...

You have made me yearn for a pint. But a real pint in a real pub. Too bad Shades departed - I bet if you bought him another pint, he could've told you even more interesting stories.

Comedy Goddess said...

Was Jewelry Shop actually P. Diddy?

jpooh said...

Aren't we just having a charming effect on every other culture in the Western hemisphere?

*sigh*

Jan from the Sushi Bar

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I was fairly riled up for shades. However, since he thought it one of his finer moments, I would not want to take it away from him.

But, yeah, he's lucky they did not have guns.

Slyde said...

good for him! Take their best and still be standing.... bravo!

Captain Dumbass said...

Good for Shades. He's dumb as hell and should have just run, but good for him anyway. JS, if you're wearin that much bling, might as well put on a skirt.

Shana said...

Interesting guy, Shades!!

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I don't know whether to be proud or horrified. Proud of Shades, I mean, not of weird people in limos.

Sass said...

Goes to show you, don't judge a dude by his...wearing of the shades in public?

I'm sure there's a lesson here for all of us.

Soda and Candy said...

That is a great story.

Nikki said...

I feel like I never see anything and I see weird crap all the time. You make my stories look like children's books.

Stacie said...

holy cow...
I'll never wink at a blonde again.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

That is so awesome. What a story! You think he was telling you the truth or did his old lady just beat the crap out of him and he was embarrassed to say?

g said...

Great story!! It reminds me of...well, I don't fucking know, but it reminds me of some kind of great legendary folk hero. Paul Bunyan or something. The ordinary guy who got the shit beat out of him but was still in the pub the next day.

And did he go on to get pissed and get in a fight that night at the pub, one wonders?

Nej said...

And all because the blond got back into that limo and said something along the lines of "That dude was totally checking me out,"...or "Ewww...that guy winked at me."

Diane said...

How did I miss this one? You sneaky devil, you.

Imagine what crap Shades' life must be if being beaten to crap by thugs was the high point? Lordy.

RamblingMother said...

def interesting evening!

Ms. Florida Transplant said...

Great story!

Harmony said...

Raised a drink to that (best moment of my life)...almost inspiring. You know, enough for a raised glass and a "here, here" but not enough to go out looking for an ass kicking. Just the right amount..I say.

Mo! Best.story.ever!! Well at least one of the best stories ever.

What's with thugs and jewelry anyway? Must they showcase their monetary worth so effortlessly? It's sad really..comon decency and friendliness can attract far better friends than any bling. What did their mother's teach them? Oh..now I feel bad..I won't blame their mothers..that was an awful thing to say.

Love the names for everyone "Shades" "Jewelry Shop"...perfection...really!

Brilliant peice...I'd re-run this...it's perfect!

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!