Saturday, 7 March 2009

Naked And Famous

I've heard that everybody wants to be naked and famous.* I don't. Neither nakedness nor fame have ever had any appeal to me. And after last night's experience they still don't.

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind ruffled my hair. I mean the wind would have ruffled my hair if my wife hadn't shaved me a week ago. I walked past the quay to the leisure complex. Sail boats clanged all around me.

I was wearing my swim shorts but as it was cold I was wearing a hoody, and over that was my dressing gown. Slippers completed the outfit. My hood was up. I had the appearance of a debonair gentleman hobo.

The sauna looked empty, I popped my head in to check the temperature. Oops. There was a guy in there. Crazy hobo he must have thought. I left the hoody, dressing gown and slippers on a bench, and went back to the sauna.

The guy was sitting there grunting. What a loser, I thought, the sauna is barely on. It's warmer in my living room. I pumped the heat up, there's no point in the sauna being at room temperature is there? The hotter it got, the more he grunted. Then he left.

Not long after this I headed to the pool. Grunt was splashing up and down, grunting with an alarming intensity. The air was filled with a pandemonium of splashing and grunting. I glared at him with supercilious superiority. He grunts away in a sauna that is barely on, and now look at him. It's a swimming pool, not a splashing pool.

I swam a dozen lengths or so, then got out to dry. Grunt was long gone. The events that followed are a blur, I simply don't know how it happened. My stuff was on a bench by the side of the pool. I never bother with the changing rooms, I normally just put my slippers and dressing gown on and head back to the flat.

The cream of my brain must have been given to Grunt, wishing that I'd had the place to myself and marvelling at how someone could be that unfit. I was clearly deep in thought. Suddenly I realised that I had dropped my shorts. I was stark naked.

A wolf whistle echoed across the pool, I pulled my towel round me and swung round. A group of teenagers were looking in from outside.

* Presidents of the USA

22 comments:

SassyTwoSocks said...

My cat is now twittering about you. good work. Now you're responsible for any damage that she does...

SassyTwoSocks said...

https://twitter.com/HermioneCat

jpooh said...

If I left my house naked (intentionally or not), I'd be famous.

But not in a good way.

Jan from the Sushi Bar

Minka said...

LOL!
You made me laugh. It's a good deed when you make people laugh - every thing is good for something....

Nikki-ann said...

LOL Very funny! :D

Irish Gumbo said...

High five, bro. I was wondering when someone was going to reference that song, I've been dying to do it, just had no good idea yet. Bravo!

You could still be a naked hobo, yeah? Maintain the anonymity?

Sass said...

I don't even really know what to say about this.

I'm thinking it's rather Freudian...

That's all I have to say about that.

San Diego Momma said...

Is dressing gown Britspeak for a robe?
Other than that, I was with you the whole way.

Gwen said...

Oh, noes.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

At least it wasn't the grunting out of shape guy whistling at you.

Skye said...

I'd probably have whistled at ya too! But I'm like that you see, I have this innate ability to embarrass anyone and everyone I am with or see in public. It doesn't matter whether or not I know the person, I'll just unintentionally (or not) embarrass them. It's a terrible burden, I must say!

Tooj said...

PHSTeacher took my words. I was worried that Grunt was the whistler. At least you have THAT to be thankful for.

Comedy Goddess said...

Maybe those teenagers caught you on their Flip video camera and now you are a famous nude swimmer on YouTube.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

So, now it's being naked. So you blog and twitter about toilets and being naked. What kinds of google searches do you get?

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Oh, and now that you put that "faithful peeps" list up on your blog, YOU KNOW you have instigated my competitive nature and I MUST BE number 1!

cactus petunia said...

You never know. Those teenagers might have taken a photo, and you could actually become Famously Naked!

Diane said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

Whewwwww...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah...

Whewwww...

I've missed you.

Mama Dawg said...

Oh crap.

g said...

Bwah!!

I am thinking it's actually kind of a good thing for a person to not notice he's naked - I mean, why not, it's natural?

But have I ever done that? Nope...!

Dr Zibbs said...

I've never heard that expression. I think you're making it up.

Nej said...

We used to have a set of Jehovah's Witnesses stop by our house all the time. No matter how much I told them "No," "I'm not interested," or "Please stop coming here"....they just kept coming and coming.

Finally, one day, I couldn't take it any more. They had woken me up after an almost 24 hour shift at work.

So, I answered the door naked.

It didn't make me famous...but they never came back.

Harmony said...

LOL ...I agree with PHST..at least it wasn't the Grunt whistling at you.

So..is that a classic case of instant Karma or what? Nasty thoughts can lead to bad mishaps.

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!