Naked And Famous

I've heard that everybody wants to be naked and famous.^* I don't. Neither nakedness nor fame have ever had any appeal to me. And after last night's experience they still don't.

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind ruffled my hair. I mean the wind would have ruffled my hair if my wife hadn't shaved me a week ago. I walked past the quay to the leisure complex. Sail boats clanged all around me.

I was wearing my swim shorts but as it was cold I was wearing a hoody, and over that was my dressing gown. Slippers completed the outfit. My hood was up. I had the appearance of a debonair gentleman hobo.

The sauna looked empty, I popped my head in to check the temperature. Oops. There was a guy in there. Crazy hobo he must have thought. I left the hoody, dressing gown and slippers on a bench, and went back to the sauna.

The guy was sitting there grunting. What a loser, I thought, the sauna is barely on. It's warmer in my living room. I pumped the heat up, there's no point in the sauna being at room temperature is there? The hotter it got, the more he grunted. Then he left.

Not long after this I headed to the pool. Grunt was splashing up and down, grunting with an alarming intensity. The air was filled with a pandemonium of splashing and grunting. I glared at him with supercilious superiority. He grunts away in a sauna that is barely on, and now look at him. It's a swimming pool, not a splashing pool.

I swam a dozen lengths or so, then got out to dry. Grunt was long gone. The events that followed are a blur, I simply don't know how it happened. My stuff was on a bench by the side of the pool. I never bother with the changing rooms, I normally just put my slippers and dressing gown on and head back to the flat.

The cream of my brain must have been given to Grunt, wishing that I'd had the place to myself and marvelling at how someone could be that unfit. I was clearly deep in thought. Suddenly I realised that I had dropped my shorts. I was stark naked.

A wolf whistle echoed across the pool, I pulled my towel round me and swung round. A group of teenagers were looking in from outside.

^{* Presidents of the USA}