Monday, 16 March 2009

Goths and Cucumber Sandwiches

The wedding took place in a beautiful Norman church deep in the heart of Norfolk. Deep in the Norfolk countryside. The mud on the path to the church was pretty deep too. The heels of the stilettos sank deep in the mud. Deepness all round really. The guests staggered, slid and stumbled their way to the church.

The groom's family were a cucumber-sandwich-eating, Earl-Grey-drinking, doilies-throughout-the-house contingent from Hertfordshire, representing English polite society in its purest form. Think tweed suits, broad fancy hats, court shoes, pince-nez.

The bride's family were a skull-ring-wearing, alternative-lifestyle, couldn't-give-a-monkey's group of Goths from Norfolk. Think clumpy boots, long coats, skull rings, dressed all in black. Every male Goth had long below-the-nipples black or red hair. They made Ozzy Osborne look like a Take That fan.

You have to admit it, this congregation had a certain élan. The Hertfordshire family sat on the right, the Goths on the left. You could feel the divide. Prim old ladies sitting nervously, sneaking glances across the aisle at the skull rings. Prim old ladies do not like skull rings. They prefer giant opal rings of the size that could crush a man's skull with single strike. One of my biggest fears is being knocked off my bike by an old lady's giant clunking opal-ringed fist.

The groom was waiting nervously at the front. He received a phone call to inform him that his ailing mother was on the way, she was being brought by ambulance. Shortly after this a whisper makes its way to the front. "She's here," was the hushed message.

The music started, congregation stood and turned round, the groom's mother was making her way down the aisle in a wheelchair with a drip in tow. The organ was rapidly hushed, the congregation returned to their seats, it was a tragic moment. By no means am I mocking the groom's ailing mother, but it was a tragically comic scene. Five minutes later the bride arrived, her bridesmaids clad in mustard yellow medieval gowns. The organ started again, the congregation stood up...

The reception took place at a roadside cafe, but there was no roadside cafe food. Instead a cheap and scant buffet was laid out, consisting primarily of pork pies, cocktail sausages and quiche. There was a stampede to the buffet resulting in a number of scuffles. I understand this completely. Cocktail sausages should always be the cause of unalloyed jubilation. I do worry about the cocktail sticks though, in the wrong hands these could be extremely dangerous. If an adolescent hamster got hold of one he could use it as a javelin. My hamster is incalculably selfish and puerile and I wouldn't trust him with a cocktail stick for a moment.

The bride and groom's first dance was to Black Sabbath. The prim old ladies did not join in. The goths were in their element.

The drama at the buffet was eclipsed by the events as the evening drew to a close. The bride's sister lap danced her boyfriend of two-weeks in front of her just-divorced ex-husband, who responded by slapping the her, who in turn attacked him with her stiletto.

It was, without a doubt, the most bizarre wedding.

30 comments:

Lisa said...

god, it gives me the shudders just thinking about it.....

jpooh said...

What - no pictures?

I'm so disappointed, especially because I couldn't attend.

Jan from the Sushi Bar

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

I am so disappointed I was not invited...sounds like a melange right up my proverbial alley!

One thing I would like to have clarified - did the goth guys have long black or red hair growing down to their nipples - or growing from their nipples. These are decidedly different images to ponder.

Call Me Cate said...

I've been to some interesting weddings but nothing as unique as this. Fascinating spectacle.

Comedy Goddess said...

Ah romantic weddings like that are so divine! I am sure they will live happily ever after with so much in common.

Wait. They aren't related to you are they? Do you have long red or black nipple length hair? Or do you wear doilies?

mo.stoneskin said...

The hair was down to their nipples, although it may have been from their nipples too.

I should also clarify that this is Mrs Stoneskin's side of the family!

Diane said...

Sounds lovely, really. The sort of elegant affair I think of when I think of English weddings, which, admittedly, I don't think of often. It could've been a wedding in this part of the US, actually... except you'd have to replace the goth guests with redneck guests... bedecked in flannel, ball-caps, and torn jeans... swilling Budweiser and Coors Light, and spittin' their chaw into whatever relatively empty container they can locate. Lovely... truly lovely. Aren't weddings just divine?

Soda and Candy said...

Sounds more entertaining than most of the weddings I've been to.

And that's the important thing, really; the entertainment value!

Sass said...

And you're still married...;)

I must second the thought that you should NEVER give Plato one of those sticks.

"Twats immoral."

Yup.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Dude, what side were you sitting on?? Lovely tale BTW, reads just like a scene from a movie.

Joanie said...

Was this your wedding? I'd love to see pictures!

C.B. Jones said...

If lap dances were common at weddings, I'd make it a point to marry every girlfriend I ever had.... three times over....every other month.

Frogs in my formula said...

Good grief. I hope you had alcohol to dull the pain.

Gwen said...

That is so weird! The mother-in-law thing, with the congregation standing too early? Happened at my wedding. Not kidding. I just wish I'd had some lap-dancing goths in attendance.

blognut said...

Mo, where did you sit? I want to know, too!

Also, 'couldn't give a monkey's' what?

You've left me here with all sorts of questions!

Tooj said...

Now I see Diane's comment and I wonder where she finds such refined rednecks in her parts? The ones in mine would never take the time to find a container for their spit.
I think you must keep very odd company. Makes for very interesting blog topics, however.
Did you find yourself some pizza?

Slyde said...

my god, i'll say it was bizarre!

There's a tv mini-series in there somwhere...

i want pictures!

Minka said...

At least it wasn't boring.. Why would all weddings look the same? :))

Cowguy said...

I'm all freaked out now.



Oh great, here come the tremors.

Debbie said...

Well now, that does sound like a great time:)

g said...

Oh, it sounds wonderful! I do hope that there were some members of the cucumber-sandwich-eating clan that drank enough to start pogoing and gong "Oy!"

(that must totally date me).

It reminds me of the wedding scene in Stella Gibbons' novel "Cold Comfort Farm" (the movie was based on it, but the book is better) where they laid out two buffets - one with cucumber sandwiches, caviar and champagne, to impress the rough country yeoman side of the family, and the other with rustic breads, cheese and ale to provide an exotically trendy meal for the aristocratic side of the family.

cactus petunia said...

Hmmmm. I don't remember inviting you to my wedding.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

There's a show called My Big Redneck Wedding. This is what you have described.

Oh, and as I'm not a beer drinker myself I had to defer to husband. He recommends Warka. I'll be the recommender of vodka.

Asphodel said...

So, the bride was the goth? I'm curious, and I haven't a clue why. It's not like it's going to determine what I have for lunch or where I will move to, but I'm realy curious.

Kat said...

I think this might give a good old southern redneck wedding a run for it's money on the tackyness factor!

Stacie said...

one for the memory bank that is FOR SURE! lol

Nej said...

Sounds like an awesome time to sit back and watch the show. I love when different personalities are thrown into a situation together. Wackiness shall ensue.

thistlesandmapleleaves said...

Now that was funny...a screen play in the making without a doubt...which was your side of the family?

Maria Roth said...

I wish I could have been there!

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