Tuesday, 24 March 2009

The Modern Man and the Glass Eye

The bar was staffed by an elderly lady who looked exactly like I imagine Miss Marple. She was wearing a whopping great monster of a ring, a silver behemoth with a glass eye instead of a stone. I had a feeling the glass eye was watching me.

"Two pints of Sussex Best," I said.

"Sorry, what did you say?" she asked.

"Two pints of Sussex Best," I repeated.

She only filled one pint.

"Excuse me, I asked for two pints," I clarified.

"Sorry, what did you say?" she asked.

It was tempting to suggest she should have worn a ring with an ear, not an eye, but I refrained. I eventually walked away with two pints.

My wife and her mother were out shopping, leaving Steve and I to look after Bubba Stoneskin. That suited us fine, we'd rather look after the baby than be dragged round the shops for hours upon hours. We took Bubba down the airfield to drink beer and watch the planes. Steve and I that is, not the Bubba, she doesn't like beer and isn't interested in planes.

We hadn't been there long before Bubba needed her nappy changing. I was tempted to change her out on the windswept airfield took her indoors. I asked Miss Marple if there was a changing mat in the gents' toilet.

"Sorry, what did you say?" she asked, sunlight glinting off the glass eye.

"Is there a changing mat in the gents' toilet?" I asked.

She shook her head forlornly and suggested I used the disabled toilet.

"More space in there," she suggested helpfully, pointing in the general direction of the disabled loo. I swear the glass eye winked at me. I wandered off with the crying Bubba, the glass eye's steely gaze piecing me from behind.

The disabled toilet was occupied, but standing in the doorway of the ladies' was another old dear.

"You can use the changing mat in here," she said. "I'll stay here and make sure you don't get into trouble." This seemed an excellent idea at the time. I had an audience - her daughter and granddaughter were inside. I didn't mind. It was a chance to demonstrate that I, the culmination of the evolution of the modern man, could change a nappy quicker than you could say "Sausage and Egg McMuffin".

The problem was the alignment of the changing mat. Instead of allowing me to stand at her feet I had to stand at her side. Changing the nappy wasn't an issue, but from that angle getting her little baby tights back on was surprisingly tricky. Meanwhile my audience was growing. Ladies were coming in but no-one was leaving, they were all captured by the spectacle. Bubba cooed, grinned and giggled. I sweated like a Turkish wrestler. After what seemed like years I was finished, I carried Bubba out with my tail hanging low. Mad Dog had been defeated. Bubba looked like she had been dressed by a monkey.

You could have said "Sausage and Egg McMuffin" twelve million times. I blame the glass eye.

35 comments:

jpooh said...

Hey, hon - don't be so hard on yourself. You get props for a) not screaming at the sight of The Eye and 2) having the, er, balls to go into the ladies to change a nappie (or diaper as we heathen Americans call it).

Sass said...

Nothing more charming that a man changing a diaper. Yes, I said diaper. ;)

I bet you were the talk of the ladies' circle for quite some time.

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

you're a far far better man than I - or, at the very least, have more nerve

Joanie said...

Give this man another pint! I agree, you were most likely the talk of the ladies' circle! And the next time they see you, they smile knowing what a great dad you are.

Call Me Cate said...

The fact that you bothered with the tights at all just amazes me. If I ever have a kid, I'm going to move further south so clothing just isn't expected.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I always thought those stupid changing tables were awkward.

But that's okay, 'cause you only find them in the really nice malls here. So I've been known to change babies in the car rather than changing them on the floor of the ladies room.

Soda and Candy said...

Awwww. Baby tights.

PS - My dad's wife has an awesome silver ring with a big ol' glass eye in it. It's kind of witchy gothic & cool.

Diane said...

You know what I find annoying? That women find it sweet when men change diapers! My ex was always quick to jump up when we were out and do the change. Everyone would ooooh and ahhhh and say how lucky I was. Hello! She was his kid, too!!

It was a good story, though (as always). I didn't realize Mo was short for Monkey. Now I know.

blognut said...

I totally tried to comment on you earlier, but your word verification widget jazzes me up from my phone.

I had something clever to say, but I've since forgotten it.

But it's a good story, Mo. It is. And I agree with Diane, men SHOULD change their own kids and not get a medal for it.

But that wasn't what I was going to say.

Leaving now.

C.B. Jones said...

I blame McDonald's for not having popular breakfast sandwiches with longer names.

Minka said...

Well done! and even if the clothes didn't look perfect on Bubba, you could make them look perfect the next time you changed her.
I had a problem wit beer in a pub as well. I asked for "half a pint of fosters" and got the whole pint which wasn't a good idea at the time. I was explained the next day that I should've asked for "half of fosters" without the "pint". I learned my lesson, had no problems with it later.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I think you deserve another pint just for going in the ladies loo and changing the girl with an audience. My husband would have used his horrible cell phone etiquette and called me to do it.

Snarky A. said...

I really need to find one of those rings with a glass eye now, just because it is so creepy.

Cora said...

Does the windswept airfield look a tad more appealing after all of that?! (hee hee)

jerlyn said...

ah, Bubba sounds like she has a great Daddy. Watch though, that she doesn't try stealing your beer.
Cpt. Dumbass' sister used to drain
any glass of alcohol that came within her reach!

Thanks for the email to bad karma.
It's not summer up here, although it's melting fast, we still have about 8 inches of snow covering the ground.
My beloved Golf Course is buried somewhere underneath all that greyish white stuff. Pretty soon I'm going to get out my Blowdryer
and attack the first tee!
Cheers

The Mister said...

Kids... they just... frickin'... WIN!

So frustrating. Good thing they're cute.

Debbie said...

As long as the kids are covered up in something, I consider it to be a success.

Fragrant Liar said...

Not even an expert diaper changer can get in and out of there faster. When you're doing it all sideways, the end result always looks like it. But you sound like a great dad anyway. :)

Asphodel said...

aw couldn't you charm any of the women in the bathroom to help ya out?

I'm sure it was an absolutely adorable spectacle!

Comedy Goddess said...

Cramped bathroom, inconvenient angle, too many eyes and tights forchristsakes, all lead to stressful "nappy" changing, for anyone, male or female.

the mama bird diaries said...

No one can properly change a diaper when they have an audience.

Anna Russell said...

Now, if they had a beer dispenser where you change the nappies, this wouldn't happen. Or, it might happen, but you wouldn't care.

Cowguy said...

Every diaper I ever changed turned into an event dimmed only by a volcanic eruption, an earthquake and a flood all going on at once.

I want a glass eye ring.

lizspin said...

Yeah. . . for sure. . . the glass eye put a coordination curse on you. . .

For sure!

If not for the eye, you would have been in the Guiness Book of World Record for nappie changes. . .

Bridgeburners said...

Um, how do you know how much a Turkish wrestler sweats?

Captain Dumbass said...

I love it when I get logged out of my regular account and leave comments under the wrong one.

bernthis said...

I'm surprised every one didn't burst into applause. I think it is wonderful to see a dad doing his best, well, to be a mom.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

You should have changed her right up there on the bar. That REALLY would have drawn an audience, and you could have sipped your pint whilst pulling up the tights. A perfect excuse for looking as though she was dressed by a monkey.

Vodka Mom said...

awwwwww. I just elevated you to God-like status.

Now pass me a pint.

Maria Roth said...

I get so irritated when the men's restrooms don't have changing tables in them. You did what you had to do. I'm surprised one of the women didn't help you get the tights back on straight. :)

dizzblnd said...

Well curiosity finally got the best of me. I see you and I follow a lot of the same bloggers, which must mean we have the same twisted sense of humor. I had to come check you out. I like what I see :)

Nej said...

Having an audience is bad enough...but adding tights into the mix is just cruel!!! You didn't have a chance. :-)

Peggy said...

+50 bonus "hot in my mind" points for that one buddy! :)

The Rambler said...

Found you from Cate's blog.

Scrolled through the rest of your posts!

Don't worry. My first time at a sideways changing table and it was not pretty. And I'm the MOMMY. :)

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