Thursday, 5 March 2009

Lead Zeppelin Bladder

I'm standing up in a cramped sardine tin of a train which is stationary outside Gatwick Airport due to "severe weather conditions". We've been here for half an hour. My knees hurt, I'm late for my routine second coffee, I'm absolutely busting for a wee and I really, really need to poo drop off the kids. I also have a toothpaste situation to sort out.

Of course by the time you read this I will no longer be on the train. I hope I will no longer be on the train.

When I arrived at the station this morning there was the stench of death, the delicately detached air of a hopeless situation. Desultory groups of commuters were moping about whinging. The 7:01 had been cancelled.

Ice on the line apparently. Apparently a train broke down on the fast London line because of icy conditions. Ice? It is possibly the mildest day of the year so far, a crisp, sunny, ice-less Spring morning. I would have worn shorts if I wasn't working.

Ah well, I won't complain, a break in the mundane commuting rigmarole is always welcome. Yeah right. Basically what they are saying is that a decrepit, fag-packet-of-a-train broke down because of a splash of cold water from a puddle, and the South East has ground to a halt.

I caught the following train, an old man sat opposite me. He had a huge beard and an even bigger laptop. One rule of thumb is that the bigger the beard, the bigger the laptop. Another rule of thumb is that the older the man, the bigger the laptop. It's a tenable theory anyway, old men LOVE huge laptops. I guess they have a warped sense of perception. To them, their huge laptops are actually tiny, ultra-portable devices. If you're gonna lug a laptop around of that size why not just drag a couple of IBM mainframes onto the train.

When I got off the train I marshaled my thoughts. No need to let this spoil my day. My thought stream ran something like this.

Gosh, I can't wait for another coffee, and what do I have for lunch? Oh yeah, bacon sandwiches, wow I'll bet they'll be gone by 10, and don't I look dapper today, crisp white lightly-striped shirt, finely ironed (thanks to lovely wife), dark pinstriped trousers, I love these trousers, wait, what the dickens is that? Toothpaste?

There's only one place on a man's dark trousers where, at all costs, he does not want to get toothpaste. I couldn't exactly clean myself there and then, I had to get another train. The train I'm on now. I shuffled onto the train embarrassed beyond belief, doing my best to subtly hold my coat and bag in a strategic position.

And here I am, standing in the packed vestibule area, busting for a wee with toothpaste on my crotch. The man next to me is attempting to use his laptop standing up, twisted over it like a crab, the cacophonous tapping is driving me mad. A lady nearby has a coffee which is making me CRAVE. No, don't think of coffee right now, with a bladder like a lead zeppelin that would be suicidal. The last thing I need is a bladder malfunction. Not on a crowded train.

If I ever make if off this train I will do the following, in this exact order:

1) Go to the toilet
2) Clean my trousers
3) Get myself a coffee

If I don't make it off the train I'll post this from my Blackberry device and you'll never hear from me again, I'll be wasting away in a stinky mess somewhere outside of London.

24 comments:

Mama Dawg said...

At least your toothpast was on clothes. Mine was on my belly inching closer to my unclothed crotch. That would have been interesting to say the least. Never been minty fresh down there before.

g said...

Are you still on the train? what happened?

Sass said...

Once again...

Brilliant.

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Glad you survived.

angi_b72 said...

Great post! lol at "drop the kids off"...hope you got them to the pool! Hope you have a better day than you did train ride!! By the way...i am following you...hope you don't mind!

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Yeah, I'm kind of curious if you ever got off the train, but I'm pretty sure you would have let us know if you hadn't.

And you twitter about needing to go to the toilet a lot.:).

Comedy Goddess said...

Maybe you should switch to prescription strength uppers, that way you could get over your coffee addiction.

Not that I would know about mothers little helpers.

Debbie said...

I loved the picture you painted of this morning.
Living in the suburbs on the US, we do not have mass transit. So, the whole train scene is fascinating to me. But I loved the guy with the huge laptop.

Nikki said...

It makes me so angry when I can't figure out how to subscribe to someones blog because it means I really am as dumb as I act.

Anyways, I will have to scribble your blog title down and continue to follow. Loved the read.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I, too, love your train scenes.

Of course, you could have cleaned the toothpaste off your crotch on the crowded train and blogged the looks you got.

Snarky A. said...

Found you through Sass, and I absolutely love your blog! Hilarious!
Hope you had a better day than your morning train ride!

Gwen said...

Congrats on getting Sassified,luv! As soon as I publish this comment I will be blogrolling and following you. Within the prescribed distance ordered by the court, of course.

Shana said...

You are so funny!!

I laughed out loud when I read your 'chew with your mouth open' comment.
Here I was thinking I was the only one bothered by this. Yay to us!!
I slop toothpaste often! Usually it is on my boob

Kim said...

Funny. Good thing you didn't sneeze...it could have all been over for you...oh wait, you're not a woman.

Stacie said...

HERE FROM SASSIFIED...

hope you did all of your 'tasks' and I am going to follow just to make sure. ;)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

haha, oh man, that BLOWS! haha, get it? blows?

Ah, nevermind...

Nikki said...

Haha I feel dumb now cuz your followers thing is on the top of your page.

Minka said...

This is just great! Your writing, I mean! I hope everything worked out for you! :D

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Are you there yet?

I have yet to post from my iPhone boyfriend. Who knows? Maybe I'll get wild and adventurous someday and give it a whirl.

Captain Dumbass said...

If you'd had your coffee cup with you on the train you could have relieved some of the pressure.

Why do old men also need to drive gigantic cars? Or maybe that's only a North American thing.

Nikki-ann said...

I hope you made it off the train with dry trousers!

badly dressed boy said...

If you'd wet yourself, maybe the urea would have melted the toothpaste stain... interesting theory from a highly unscientific mind.

Old men need nig laptops because their beards obscure half the screen...

Fragrant Liar said...

You crack me up, Mad Dog. I'm glad I visited your site. You are quite entertaining. At least you were minty fresh down there. Just in case some hottie ran into your crotch, I mean.

Harmony said...

Why do I take such pleasure in your discomforts? It's all in the wording.

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!