I'll bet you're not this great in bed

I have a hypothetical question for you. A man is rudely awakened by a woman. She claims he has been repeatedly poking her in the eye. In addition she also claims that he stole all the covers, and that when she woke shivering, and tried to get them back, he wrapped them tightly round himself and snapped "It's MY blanket!".

Who is in the wrong?

I say the woman, these are not reasons to ruin a man's sleep. Besides, it is my blanket, and she should have kept her eye out of the way of my finger.

I Was NOT Wiggling

It was 3AM. We were in the twin room. My wife was in dreamland a few feet away, I was propped up on about seventeen pillows, snuffling like a pig. Nine hours on the road had done nothing for my cold. Knowing how irritating it can be sharing a room with a snuffling pig, squirming constantly to get comfortable, I had spent the past five hours diligently keeping still.

A cockerel crowed. At 3AM for goodness' sake. I could have done with a gun. My eyes wandered lazily around the room, the only possible weapon was my electric toothbrush. I could teach that half-wit cockerel a valuable lesson with an electric toothbrush.

Vroom, vroom, vroom!

#Squawk!#Peck!#

Vroom, vroom, vroom! Wuhahahahaha...

Unfortunately the damn thing was probably half a mile away. Uncomfortable, I shifted my position slightly.

"Stop wiggling, wiggling," snapped my wife, who was asleep and swears she doesn't remember this.

"What did you say?" I asked, knowing full well what she said but playing along.

"Wiggling!" she replied vehemently.

For the record I wasn't wiggling, and I certainly wasn't wiggling, at the very most I had conducted a half-wriggle.

I ignored her and focused on the cockerel. Maybe I could conjure up some flying tarpaulin (see last post), or better still a pack of wolves. Or even better, a motley croud of cruel children, armed with electric toothbrushes and peashooters.

Vroom, vroom, vroom! Pop! Thwack!

#Squawk!#Peck!#Flap!#Squawk!#Peck!#Flap!#

Wuhahahaha. I would make a great wizard.

Falsely Accused : I DO NOT wear slippers in bed

I sauntered into the bedroom with the air of a man whose belly was full of venison, beer and wine. A startling coincidence as that was exactly what was in my belly. I was not pickled to the tonsils, far from it, but a fly on the wall would have noted a certain insouciance about me. It was bedtime and I was as happy as Larry.

My wife was already asleep. As I came in she lifted her sleepy head and made an outrageous demand of me.

"Darling before you get into bed please take off your slippers."

I laughed out loud. I have never gone to bed in my slippers. In fact I have never gone to bed wearing socks either. I prefer to sleep in my birthday suit with my feet unrestricted.

My wife has come out with similar nighttime chestnuts before. One time she was trying to get out of bed to go the toilet and found her foot tangled in the bed sheet. She woke me with a slap round the face . I kid you not. "That's NOT very nice," she scolded. I remember feeling very indignant. Being falsely accused of such a juvenile prank is bad enough, but nothing riles me more than being woken at 3am by a hamster gnawing at my nipples slap round the face.

In response to the demand to remove my slippers I decided to humour her.

"For you, my dear, I'll take off my slippers. But just this once."

Many thanks to Diane for giving me this lovely award. I'm going to give it to my most faithful commentor, Kylie from Slightly Cracked. I love her blog, every post is beautifully crafted and always makes me smile.

P.S. If you have plenty of time on your hands and/or you love me then please check out an old post of mine featured as a guest post here.