Monday, 19 October 2009

Casanova needed to find out the hard way when he got home and admired his flabby physique in front of the mirror

He stood there leaning by the door, propped up in a suave, arrogant manner. You could tell he had practised the pose, it smacked of hours spent in front of the mirror. He lounged about with exquisite precision. Collar wide open, the obligatory medallion, less buttons fastened than Simon Cowell on a forgetful day. Grey curly chest hair on the attack, a health and safety risk if you ask me. Man dies strangled by chest hair, the headlines would read.

An ageing swinger, 60s I'd guess, dressed like only an ageing swinger would. Dressed like no ageing swinger should. Casanova, to give him a name, was notably overweight. A blue frilly shirt was taut over his tub and tucked into smart tight jeans with a huge-buckled belt. The buckle sat there silently in iridescent glory, glinting wickedly, aggressively pursuing world domination. I feared for my life. Suede jacket and oh-so-pointy brown leather shoes completed the look.

Lingering, lounging, languishing I mean, he scoured the carriage, scoping I suspect, eyeing up potential conquests, a man who thought he was eternally young. I noticed he was flying low, low and wide I might add, his flies a redoubtable gaping hole. Did I indicate this to him?

Don't be silly, of course I didn't.

70 comments:

otherworldlyone said...

You sure do know how to spin a story, Mo.

Swingers are weird. People that wear medallions are booty terrorists.

Courtney said...

Why do men think it is OK to wear a button down shirt open for all the world to see? It's scary really....plan old scary.

Well actually, death by chest hair is scary...and disgusting to picture in ones head.

Organic Meatbag said...

Freind of yours, Mo? Hahahaha! I am just hoping you managed to avoid the catastrophic viewing of the male camel toe...

Captain Dumbass said...

Can you still buy clothes like that? I'm thinking I need a new wardrobe.

ellen abbott said...

What a picture (giggle)!. Some people are totally clueless. Ah cruelty, thy name is dementia.

Alan Burnett said...

There's that thing isn't there about a picture being worth a thousand words. You give it a new twist - your 250 words have the ability to transform me to a place much better than a picture. Class offering, as always.

blueviolet said...

You painted it like a portrait and I can picture him so well. (and that does not make me happy.)

erin said...

I'm always tempted to say something to people that...wrong.

Like, "Hello, Sir. You look like a complete and total douche bag and everyone hates you. Stop now."

Char said...

And gaping flies never looked so good on anyone! Don't you just love when that happens. Thanks for a Monday morning laugh.

These 'swingas' abound in SW Florida.

diane said...

An aging swinger with a gaping fly? I think I just puked a little.

You are very good at creating an image with words, sir.

The Peach Tart said...

Oh no he didn't

Judearoo said...

Heehee! Excellent!

Bet he's not even wondering why everyone is staring at his crotch either...

Ananda girl said...

I would never have been able to keep a straight face. Oh "yay!" that you did not tell him. Probably made his day to see so many glance at his crotch and grin.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Sounds like somene who would hit on my friends and I on those rare occasions we get a ladies' night out.

blognut said...

Oh, my! He sounds perfectly charming, Mo.

Mr. Charleston said...

Add Hawaiian shirt and cowboy boots and you've got the perfect Florida redneck. Pickup or Corvette. Gold chain with gold sand dollar medallion. Yeah buddy, the wimmin' can't resist.

Soda and Candy said...

Oh yeah, this is the kind of dude that sits next to me and strikes up a conversation that glides inevitably towards "What's your name / phone number etc"

Eeeeeuuuucccchhhh.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I need his phone number please! :)

Actually, I'm pretty sure I've been chatted up by a guy not dissimilar to this. If it's overripe, cheesy and swings, usually with a fake tan and medallion, chances are it's attacked me at sometime. I'm like a giant magnet for dismaying misfits.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I think, in the future, you should try and sneak pictures of said people.

It would add to the story. And help make us laugh, even harder.

Nikki-ann said...

LOL Did he sit opposite you?

Eric said...

Mo,

Are you in Italy too this week? (I don't mean I fit that description of course, but I've noticed a few that are a close match).

I saw the most perfectly formed ticket-checking police woman ever on the Rome 64 two days ago. The group of them caught some yanks without tickets, so I didn't even get a chance to talk with her and show my considerably well stamped stub. Damn.

jpooh said...

Perhaps he was a stand-up comedian, in every sense of the word(s)?

MeanDonnaJean said...

Reminds me of some Italian wanna-be loser from a 70's nightclub scene....or else some ol' ass Texan "john" who musta inhaled a tad too much horse dung in his heyday.

slacker-chick said...

Good reminder as to why I stay married. ;->

♥ Braja said...

This is totally in the "all men are bastards" category....

♥ Braja said...

All men are bastards.

Cora said...

You make everything sound so pretty.

:-)

Hit 40 said...

Sounds like a man dumped by his wife after the kids have flown the nest!! He is out trolling for a new squeeze stuck in another era of dating. If the UK is like America, he will be snapped up by some fool.

A Mom on Spin said...

Are you back on the train gang again?

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Sounds like a character from Vegas.

:)

g said...

Ha ha ha ha!! You are priceless!!! You have a great eye for the absurdly human. I am almost embarrassed for this guy, your stiletto was so sharp!

Thank you!

Michel said...

GREAT MO! Now I have a mental picture I'll never get out of my head. And, strangely enough, a Barry white song in my head.

Surge said...

Whatta hunk.

- sidenote
yes, all men are bastards.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

And you say you've never seen me in my work clothes? Then how have you described them so perfectly? Even down to the pot belly.

Sid said...

I love how you can make any little interaction interesting. Love it. It inspires me to try harder, to really work at my writing.

Also this reminds me of the old guy I saw dancing at the skanky club. He lifted up his shirt and rubbed his tummy.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Deliciously written with mock contempt, a top trump amongst a stacked deck of humour.

The Rambler said...

This is where we cheers our glasses (you a beer, me a Cosmo Martini) and snicker at the other world some live on.

We are in a bar right? Watching this hunk of a man? Telling you that I can't believe someone else is wearing what your wearing...I kid, I kid...

xoxo

Simon said...

You should have asked him for his phone number, if only to see his reaction.

Asphodel said...

Wow for a second there, my imagination conjured up Hasselhoff, until my eyes got wide enough to pop the idea out of my head again.....

JennyMac said...

medallions....egads.

button up those shirts crazy people.

but all the more for our blogging pleasure.

Oh My Goddess said...

Was he a method actor?

Gaston Studio said...

So, this happened when? In the 70s you say? I didn't think you were old enough to recall the aging swingers who didn't look so hot even back when it was supposedly fashionable! ;-)

Jan @ Struck by Serendipity said...

He sounds just like my type!

Jeanne said...

What did one fly say to the other fly?

Your man is down.

BeautifulWreck said...

I've known some swingers. Evidently you do too. Very descriptive post there.

bernthis said...

oh so all my old dates are now living over by you are they?

Sass said...

I have said, for 8 years now, that the guy across the street from me is a swinger, and wears a medallion.

I don't know this to be true.

I do know he gets drunk and urinates in his driveway a lot.

But I have not verified the medallion.

g said...

Hi, Mo

I do hope you find "The Risk Pool" a good read. It's very much a depiction of a certain kind of Americana. And the character of Sam Hall is pretty amazing. Let me know what you think of it after you read it.

The Stiletto Mom said...

I had a client once that was a swinger. Yeah, that was a super uncomfortable moment when that came up in conversation over lunch with wine. Needless to say, new rep on that account shorty thereafter....

the mama bird diaries said...

Oh gosh, I love this... "Man dies strangled by chest hair." Hilarious.

Matthew said...

Good thing about not getting here until Wednesday = less time until the next update.

Another excellent advert for weekly postings. Looking forward to next Monday.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

He sounds like he'd fit in perfectly with the Money Town Swingers club. Perhaps he left his fly open on purpose thinking the world was interested in taking a peak?

Lana said...

i need to forward this to my husband's friend. i've been telling this guy for years that this is exactly how he's going to end up, clueless.

Tooj said...

Why do you think swingers swing? I mean.....why even have a steady partner? Why not just be a solo flier? I don't get it.

And I can't resist pointing out low, wide fliers....the look of embarrassment is too much for me to resist.

Amy said...

I read this when it posted and could not comment - busy week this week!!

It gave me the giggles and the shivers. (Not the good shivers, the bad "ew, yucky" ones.)

Kate said...

Wow that painted a vivid picture and not a nice one. Love the blog!

Kate x
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com/

Madame DeFarge said...

Sounds like someone I used to go out with when I was in my inappropriate men phase.

rubbish said...

60, you cheeky bastard. I'm only 44.

MeanDonnaJean said...

RYC: That's why even the pretty blond who is advertising anti-constipation pills looks so damn happy yet after her (assumed) constipation you would think she would at least look tired. You know, a bit strained perhaps. There's no realism these days.

Just put ME in one of those damn constipation commercials and *I'LL* show ya some REAL realism!

Lola Lakely said...

I think you are the only one who could have a buckle contemplate world domination and make it sound so believable , not to mention hilarious. Cheers to you and may buckles bent on world domination UNITE!

jadedj said...

Tom Jones? I mean he does live there amongst you, does he not? Makes sense to me.

LiLu said...

This? Is why I LOVE you.

Joanie M said...

Where is your camera at times like these!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

My first time here, I believe but might I say you are positively evil. And it's delicious. *wink*

Irish Gumbo said...

Can something iridescent really glint wickedly?

And of course you don't tell him his fly is down. Boy's got to learn sometime...

BrightenedBoy said...

People really need to dress appropriately for their body type. Overweight people can look good, but so many of them seem determined to wear things that accentuate their flaws.

If somebody has a large stomach, the bottom of the shirt and top of the waist should ALWAYS meet.

And chest hair is really gross. I have a little bit, but it's not intense, and I'm not ashamed to say that if it were I'd get it waxed. Thankfully I don't have so much as a strand of back hair, because that would be too much for me.

Some things you just have to get taken care of.

Frogs in my formula said...

Holy crap, you met Rod Stewart?

Vodka Mom said...

oh damn that was funny.




xyz............

Harmony said...

I wonder what dish he found most appealing.

Nej said...

At least, I guess, he takes some pride in the way he looks. His standards might be a little wonky though. :-)

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!