Monday, 26 October 2009

Kiss Chase is a great game but I wasn't in the mood

"This is fucking boring," he said, sounding thoroughly fed up, "kiss chase, why don't we have a game of kiss chase?"

Sitting beside me was a famous wine columnist. I won't name-drop, but only because I cannot remember her name. You would expect that we were having an intelligent, cultured and mind-numbingly boring conversation about wine, journalism and Chateau Magdelaine. Truth is we were distracted by the Jacob's Creek boys to our right.

One thin, the other fat, proportionally identical to Laurel and Hardy, two strangers who had met at the station. They each had a bottle of wine, in front of them an array of discarded Fosters cans. Hardy seemed a pleasant chap, sitting there quietly, quiet and sleepy. Laurel was wired and extremely rowdy, one of those types who, when inebriated, will badger anyone and everyone around them in a relentless attempt to be the most irritating donkey on the planet. He looked very similar to the freaky guy in Something About Mary, the one with hives.

With Hardy falling asleep, Laurel turned to the seat behind him where a spectacled gentleman was sleeping peacefully. He shook the gentleman and woke him up, "where are you going?" he asked. "York? I get off after that," he said and then in delicious irony, "don't worry, if you're still asleep when we get to York I'll wake you up."

"I get this train every few weeks," I heard him say, "drink my arse off every time." Could have fooled me. A lady came by selling tickets. "This whole service is great and you, my dear, are a darling." A passenger squeezed past on their way to the toilet. "He just wanted to rub past you," said Laurel, "the perv," before waxing philosophical in drunken optimism.

"The worst things in life are train fares. The best things in life are everything else." To be fair, there is a lot of truth in that statement, although it is incorrect. The worst things in life are public toilets.

As the ticket ladies moved up the carriage he turned back to Spectacles behind him, waking him rudely. "What do you do for a living?" he asked, before launching into a monologue. Did I say monologue? Soliloquy would be more accurate. Laurel spoke at great length, uninterrupted except for when he interrupted himself, speaking vaguely in Spectacles' direction, but certainly not to him. Spectacles sat there nodding gently, the colour draining from his face. My companion turned to me, "he needs nothing more than a good slap," she said. So I got up and...

...yeah, right.

Laurel's language got progressively worse (for which I apologise) as he ranted against bankers, doctors and pretty much anyone who earned more than him, "so far up their fucking arseholes," he raved. It wouldn't have been a good time for my companion to let on that she spends her time travelling across Europe, visiting the odd ch√Ęteau and drinking expensive wine.

We arrived at York and Spectacles escaped with an exhausted expression draped over his face. The poor chap looked like a man whose soul had slowly been sucked out through a straw. "Listen mate, " said Laurel, placing his hand on the poor chap's shoulder, "Ah fuckin' hope all goes well for ya fella." If Spectacles hoped for anything it was that Laurel slipped on the kitchen floor when he got home and died in a freak teaspoon incident.

And that's when he suggested playing kiss chase. I thought for a moment that Laurel could in actual fact be Rubbish, but then remembered that Rubbish only drinks apple juice. From miniature kiddie cartons I suspect.

"Why don't we have a game of kiss chase? There are plenty of girls around," he said, bubbling with enthusiasm. He winked at a blond further up the carriage. "She's alright," he said, "and her, and her, but that one's asleep so she can't play," and as if to explain the sleeping beauty's exclusion from the game, "it wouldn't be fair" he said kindly.

61 comments:

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

So, is Kiss Chase some sort of British game? I'm thinking it is one that I hope my students never hear of and adopt.

Love the life sucked through a straw and the teaspoon death.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

There are a few people in my life right now who are trying to suck the life out of me thru a straw. On a Monday, no less! Maybe I'll find someone to play Kiss Chase with to take my mind off of it?

Alan Burnett said...

I was with you on the train. I probably was the chap who got off at York or I may have been the old codger snoozing in the corner of the seat opposite. But I was there. I was. (Now that is the test of good writing, I am half convinced I was there with you)

Lana said...

i wonder if his game of kiss chase had started a little sooner, perhaps spectacles would have been more entertained and not so eager to run off.

Soda and Candy said...

The first clue that they were going to be trouble was the pile of Fosters cans, the beer so awful Australians export it rather than drink it.

Call Me Cate said...

I once had a freak teaspoon accident. Thankfully, I survived.

diane said...

A teaspoon accident. You are brilliant!

Surge said...

Hahaha.
Okay Mo, you got me.
You hit him, right?
No?
Shame.

I'm really wondering what kiss chase is though, that was a good story. Whenever my best friend and I.. ex best friend.. took the trian together, we usually stood up. We were running to catch it once, and I think I did a full speed barbaric jump into a crowd standing on the train.
You'd think they were going to stab me by the way they looked.

Captain Dumbass said...

Taser gun.

Lola Lakely said...

Awwww, the fact that Laurel changes so dramatically in the end of this makes my heart smile. His firm declaration of it "wouldn't be fair" to the engage the sleeping beauty in a game of kiss chance really is a transformation of epic proportions. I applaud you at capturing this! It's certainly not easy to do.

Tooj said...

While I eat my candy bars, and Rubbish drinks his kiddie juice, I hope that you were able to escape safely. Or did you get caught in the kiss chase game?

cactus petunia said...

According to Urban Dictionary, Kiss Chase is:
"A horrifically traumatising game, as played by primary and junior school children, in which girls chase around any boy who they want to kiss. It's a rubbish game. I never got a kiss."

Rubbish WAS there!

*smooches*

jpooh said...

"...it was that Laurel slipped on the kitchen floor when he got home and died in a freak teaspoon incident."

ROFLMAO!

Ah, I'll never wish for my ex-husband to fall in a pit full of rabid squirrels again...

Amy said...

This is hilarious. I love the Rubbish reference. I'd never have pegged him for the apple juice type.

My husband and I met the most openly offensive and threateningly aggressive young man we've ever encountered, on a platform in London. He had a dog, which we admired, and he rounded on us and with menanacing steps in our direction, cursed us out quite thoroughly.

I felt so bad for the dog.

At least your Laurel sounds fairly harmless.

Oh My Goddess said...

You do meet the most interestingly disgusting people Mo.

Fragrant Liar said...

I love your stories of the train rides.

I think I would like to play Kiss Chase, though not with Laurel and Hardy.

ellen abbott said...

I'm surprised he was so compassionate towards the sleeping young lady since he had no trouble waking spectacles...repeatedly.

I can't decide if I'm glad or sad that I don't commute. All that humanity, all those potential stories. On second thought, second hand tales are good enough for me.

Pearl said...

Almost like being there.

:-)

Had a 80-ish-year-old man grab me in an airport once and kiss me quite passionately. A thoroughly unenjoyable experience.

And Kiss Chase? I suspect it's something like Slap-and-Tickle, yes?

Pearl

otherworldlyone said...

What is this kiss chase? Is this like a strange, English version of spin the bottle?

WHY didn't you slap him Mo!?

Nikki-ann said...

LOL!

When I came home from York by train, one young lad managed to spill his can of beer ALL over some poor bloke and his paperwork... The bloke was a lot calmer and nicer about it than I would have been!

Ananda girl said...

You do meet the most colorful folk!
As for the freak teaspoon death... it's likely reserved for me someday, but I had to laugh anyway.

Funny, I'm chasing and kissing things over at my place! But they're only frogs.

;-)

Jimmy said...

Kiss chase.. only becomes a frightful misshapen injudiciousness, when attending either a Turkish bath or a Lesbian wedding.

You had me sir, at "...hives!"

Audra said...

I am jealous of your commuting fun

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

I'm absolutely going to suggest playing Kiss Chase the next time I'm bored. I hope no one spits in my mouth.

Diane said...

If I ever ride on a train with you, I'm going to pretend to be asleep. Definitely.

And I'm with you on the public toilet thing (I actually typed 'pubic toilet' by accident... whoops). Try using nothing but porta-potties for an entire weekend. Ick. You would have had hives.

Kate said...

Ah kiss chase that brings back memories.... cool post

Kate
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com

rubbish said...

1. Why were you going to York?
2. I would never expect you to be having an intelligent, cultured conversation.
3. You still need to grow a pair, slap him.
4. If apple juice = cider and kidies cartons = pints then correct.
5. Great post yet again.

blueviolet said...

Oh the horror of dying by a freak teaspoon incident! This is the funniest account!

The Peach Tart said...

I'd like to know the rules of this Kiss Chase game.

Rachel Cotterill said...

That's just too good! The best I've had on a train recently was a couple of military blokes (strangers to one another, so far as I could tell) arguing somewhat aggressively about whether the Marines or the Air Force was better...

Irish Gumbo said...

Drinks his arse off, does he? Then why is it still attached to his neck?

I've been lucky that I've never experienced a freak teaspoon accident, I imagine it would be quite disturbing...

JennyMac said...

Laurel and Hardy..that is an image I have not thought of in SO long but oh, its a perfect visual. When I think of Laurel, I also think of Wimpy from Popeye...much too much of a wimp to drink Fosters.

Kiss Chase? Sounds scintillating.

♥ Braja said...

I doubt the teaspoon death would be accidental....

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

God, there's nothing worse than an utter cretin on a train with booze.

Hit 40 said...

I looked up "kiss chase" myself. I doubt this would go over well in America. We would definitely call the cops on you for lude behavior.

Hit 40 said...

Oh curses...lewd behavior!!! Not lude.

Michel said...

What the hell kinda commuter system do you guys have over there!?!?! They serve beer and wine? You have enough room to play kiss-chase (which, what the hell is that mo?) and your passengers actually SPEAK to one another??

I don't understand.

Normally, I would demand to move to the UK simply for the whole booze on a train option; however, the passengers talking to you is a huge drawback because I hate people. I'll wait it out.

tattytiara said...

"The poor chap looked like a man whose soul had slowly been sucked out through a straw."

That's my favourite thing I've read since... well I've forgotten what the last favourite thing I've read was, so it's clearly been awhile.

Sid said...

Kiss catch? Last time I played that I was 5.

Matthew said...

Kiss chase.... I remember that. I don't remember doing a lot of chasing though - just sitting around in a circle and snogging.

Am I getting my games mixed up? Probably. Ah well.

Eric said...

I'm at home now, diligently padding all the ends of my teaspoons.

Cora said...

Teaspoons can be most dangerous.

g said...

I think I have my life sucked out through a straw every weekday from 9 to 6.

Your friend the wine expert should have brained him with an empty bottle.

Slyde said...

Kiss chase? that is a complete new one for me...

LiLu said...

"The worst things in life are public toilets."

AMEN.

Bev said...

I don't know what you mean, he sounds like a perfectly charming gentleman enjoying some leisurely conversation with his fellow travelers!

HA! Yeah right. What a tool. Just be glad you don't work in the office cubicle next to him!

bernthis said...

oh I know that feeling of being sucked dry, (get your head out of the gutter you dirty old lad) I'm at a point where if someone tries to do it to me I just announce, "I gotta go," even if it means just turning around."

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

hyperactive drunks are the worst. and I know, coz i'm generally one.

The Stiletto Mom said...

What is this kiss chase?

As you know, I prefer to spend my time with out of control drunks on planes where kiss chase is probably discouraged. :)

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

hmmmm

Kiss Chase - with strangers on a train?

what will you Brits come up with next?

I presume this is some sort of Russian Roulette with Herpes?

blognut said...

Wait! What?

Laurel was swearing about bankers and you failed to slap him on my behalf?

I thought we were tight, Mo!

jadedj said...

I have to admit I was not EXACTLY sure what Kiss Chase is, but sort of figured it out. As I read I thought the conclusion would be that they were going to play Kiss Chase with one another. Might of worked.

the mama bird diaries said...

actually the worst thing in life is when you can't find a toilet at all.

slacker-chick said...

Yeah, I'm sure the lovely English lasses would have loved to play Kiss Chase with that charmer -- I'm assuming he didn't look like Johnny Depp anyway?

Harmony said...

Hooray, a train post!

*giggles with excitement*

Kiss Chase? Is it exactly the way it sounds? Someone sneaks a kiss and you give chase to slap 'em good? If so, thats quite a risky game, I'd love to see it in action. At least he likes to play fair. Ha!

Freak teaspoon incident? This is exactly why you are the best. LOVE IT!

The Rambler said...

I want to come visit you and go and all and every type of transportation available. Because YOU on them are so goshdarn entertaining!

Soul sucking through a straw? Where do you come up with such genius?

xoxo

Gwen said...

I think Kiss Chase is how I ended up with the plague.

Madame DeFarge said...

I shall be travelling by train tomorrow. I doubt anything so exciting will happen on the 08:16 to St Pancras. Unless I'm very lucky.

The Rambler said...

LOVED your guest post...you freak! :)

BrightenedBoy said...

I didn't get any of the references in this post (Laurel and Hardy?), but it was funny.

I can be pretty crazy when I'm drunk, but even I wouldn't go so far as to wake up someone who was sleeping.

Gaston Studio said...

OMG, this was disgusting and hysterical at the same time. Sucking life thru a straw is my favorite!

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!