Banks Ostracise Smokers and the Obese

With the Labour government gaining significant shareholdings in our major banks, there was always a fear that they would abuse this position, as all serious lefty governments should. However none of us expected them to act so soon, or so swiftly.

In a move that is likely to cause unprecedented controversy, a Banking Reform Bill has been put forward for immediate consideration. It seems that the government is willing to abuse its new influence, attacking what it sees as poor lifestyle choices, and using the banking system as a lever.

Labour MP James James James, author of the bill, spoke to the press about his proposals.

"This government cannot simply do nothing about individuals in this country who continue to make lifestyle choices that we do not approve of. Our sudden position of influence over the nation's banks has given us a remarkable opportunity to attack anti-social and detrimental behaviour, and to pressure individuals into changing their lifestyles.

We intend to force banks to give low savings interest rates, and high mortgage interest rates to anyone who is engaging in anti-social behaviour, embracing lifestyle choices that are detrimental to their health or others' health, or simply embracing arbitrary lifestyle choices that we do not approve of.

Ultimately, we intend to use the banking system to reform individuals. Our focus will initially be to target smokers, the obese, anyone who drives a vehicle of over 30MPG, people who live in a home without double glazing, middle-class couples who share a bottle of wine on a Friday night, owners of small yappy dogs, and any parent who has given their children silly names."

Mr James James James has denied accusations that he has a personal stake in the bill.

As we spoke to various individuals about this bill, it has become clear the public are furious. Sweetshop owner Tony, of "Tony's Tucker", made his opinions very clear.

"This is outrageous. I'm not even clinically obese, yet I face under-inflation savings rates, and massive mortgage interest rates, just for being slightly tubby. Hell, I'm only 13 stone. Statistically, one in four of us in Britain are categorised as obese. What will this mean for us all?"

Award-winning celebrity magazine "Bottom-Of-The-Barrel Celebrity Trash" has also spoken out in this week's issue.

"We're terribly worried about high-profile A-list smokers such as Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse and Simon Cowell. Unless they are extremely shrewed they could lose vast amounts of their savings simply because they smoke. And what would that mean for the X Factor or American Idol? This isn't just an attack on lifestyle, this is an attack on quality television."

Dorothy Tailor, 95, was protesting outside number 10 Downing Street today. Propped up against her zimmer frame, and panting like crazy, she let herself go. "I cannot believe this. I've paid my taxes, fought in the war, and now they will be stealing my savings because I don't have double glazing. It's a council house for goodness sake. They were the ones that built it!"

Phil and Amy, early thirties, a middle-class couple from a middle-class suburb living typical middle-class lives, spoke out in defence of all middle-class couples that share a bottle of wine on a Friday night.

"It's ridiculous", said Phil, "we don't drink during the week, and on a Friday we will go through a bottle of red, but that's over the course of the whole evening, dinner, film, everything. We're entitled to do that, as are all middle-class couples."

"It's not as if we're giraffing around like Amy Winehouse or Pete Doherty", said Amy, a little flustered, "I don't know why they keep targeting us middle-class couples and moaning about this single bottle of wine."

Steve Jones, 75, voiced his concerns over the targeting of car owners. "30 MPG is flipping brilliant, if everyone drove a 30 MPG car we would probably beat Kyoto hands down, and yet they strike 90 percent of the nation in one foul eco-swoop. It's bizarre, why not continue to target the so-called "Chelsea Tractors", 4x4s and the stupid little scooters that chavs drive instead? Do they expect us all to ride bicycles round the M25?"

Former investment banker, Andrew Higgins, gave his views from the perspective of a jobless banker. "I just don't understand why they are doing this now, in this current financial crisis. As if the credit crunch wasn't bad enough. On the other hand, hitting owners of yappy dogs with bad savings rates is a great idea."

The Sensible Politics Alliance expressed its fury in the form of a live television interview. Unfortunately the interviewee had to be restrained and the content of his barrage cannot be published here. We can reveal that the phrases "intellectual suicide" and "incontinent twerp" were used, though not in the same sentence.

Nipple Cream Sales Soar : Some Blame The Credit Crunch

Nipple cream has always been a niche product, with an unsurprising clientele of breast-feeding mothers. What most people don't know is that for years nipple cream has been used by professional rowers because, basically, it is the best stuff out there. It is also notoriously expensive, often costing ten pounds or more for a 30ml tube.

In recent months nipple cream sales have surged. There are various theories as to why this is. Some have speculated that the credit crunch has spurred the increase in sales, with punters seeing nipple cream as a safe investment.

Tom, former investment banker, explained that "Nipple cream is the new gold. There isn't much of it about, it has a high value, and the best thing of all is that it moisturises and softens your nipples, which in my opinion makes it better than gold. It is also easier to carry around than bullion. It comes in such great little tubes."

The venerable Doctor James Nip, head of Sociology at Mammilla University, has another theory, believing that it is metrosexual men who are driving the trend. The liberal press has thoroughly welcomed his research, with one acclaimed columnist writing "We've always believed that everyone has the right to soft, moist, nipples. The deliberate targeting of breast-feeding mothers is exactly the type of disgusting discrimination that we are trying to stamp out."

Astonishingly, part of the increase in sales is attributed to the pet shop world. Pet shop owner Harvey Jones gave us some surprising information. "In the pet world nipple cream has become a force to be reckoned with. We use it on Guinea Pigs' nipples, which is a more traditional use I guess. Contrary to popular belief, Guinea Pigs actually have very sensitive nipples, and when you have 6 babies suckling constantly there is a lot of wear 'n' tear on them. If anyone needs nipple cream it is Guinea Pigs.

We also use it on Parakeets' beaks to prevent dryness, and I've recently started massaging the stuff into the scalps of my hamsters - it prevents the dandruff that hamsters typically suffer from. We give all our hamsters a nipple cream head massage three times a day."

"Isn't this extremely costly?", our correspondent asked, noticing that the price of a baby hamster had risen from three quid to a full one hundred pounds. "I do it because they're worth it.", Harvey replied.

Since TKMax brought out their jacket with a concealed knife, some of the people we interviewed are hoping they will bring out a jacket with a concealed nipple cream dispenser. And this hope is not limited to breast-feeding mothers either. Kev from Essex is also after such a jacket.

"Me and my mates are all after that jacket. Nipple cream is not just for girls, we also like our nipples to be moist and soft. And why shouldnt we. What are you looking at bruv?"