Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Nipple Cream Sales Soar : Some Blame The Credit Crunch

Nipple cream has always been a niche product, with an unsurprising clientele of breast-feeding mothers. What most people don't know is that for years nipple cream has been used by professional rowers because, basically, it is the best stuff out there. It is also notoriously expensive, often costing ten pounds or more for a 30ml tube.

In recent months nipple cream sales have surged. There are various theories as to why this is. Some have speculated that the credit crunch has spurred the increase in sales, with punters seeing nipple cream as a safe investment.

Tom, former investment banker, explained that "Nipple cream is the new gold. There isn't much of it about, it has a high value, and the best thing of all is that it moisturises and softens your nipples, which in my opinion makes it better than gold. It is also easier to carry around than bullion. It comes in such great little tubes."

The venerable Doctor James Nip, head of Sociology at Mammilla University, has another theory, believing that it is metrosexual men who are driving the trend. The liberal press has thoroughly welcomed his research, with one acclaimed columnist writing "We've always believed that everyone has the right to soft, moist, nipples. The deliberate targeting of breast-feeding mothers is exactly the type of disgusting discrimination that we are trying to stamp out."

Astonishingly, part of the increase in sales is attributed to the pet shop world. Pet shop owner Harvey Jones gave us some surprising information. "In the pet world nipple cream has become a force to be reckoned with. We use it on Guinea Pigs' nipples, which is a more traditional use I guess. Contrary to popular belief, Guinea Pigs actually have very sensitive nipples, and when you have 6 babies suckling constantly there is a lot of wear 'n' tear on them. If anyone needs nipple cream it is Guinea Pigs.

We also use it on Parakeets' beaks to prevent dryness, and I've recently started massaging the stuff into the scalps of my hamsters - it prevents the dandruff that hamsters typically suffer from. We give all our hamsters a nipple cream head massage three times a day."

"Isn't this extremely costly?", our correspondent asked, noticing that the price of a baby hamster had risen from three quid to a full one hundred pounds. "I do it because they're worth it.", Harvey replied.

Since TKMax brought out their jacket with a concealed knife, some of the people we interviewed are hoping they will bring out a jacket with a concealed nipple cream dispenser. And this hope is not limited to breast-feeding mothers either. Kev from Essex is also after such a jacket.

"Me and my mates are all after that jacket. Nipple cream is not just for girls, we also like our nipples to be moist and soft. And why shouldnt we. What are you looking at bruv?"

1 comment:

Harmony said...

I've got some time on my hands..thought I mosey around through your archives.

Mo this is absolutely brilliant!

"The deliberate targeting of breast-feeding mothers is exactly the type of disgusting discrimination that we are trying to stamp out." ~ You know starting a fund for other's in need of Nipple Cream may be in order. It can be a donation program, buy one for yourself and one for those in needs. Since the are comparing it to gold, I bet those greedy breastfreeders would do nothing of the sort. Discrimination indeed!

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!