I'll start off by being blunt. I don't like Halloween, it irritates me. It always has. For starters, the little trick-or-treaters always arrive at JUST the wrong time. That time of day when I'm just in from work, grumpy, sweaty, hungry, and just about ready to crack open a beer (or two). Or a lager (or two) if it is summer. Or one of my favourite German Weissbiers (or two), if I'm feeling particularly needy.
I guess the little whippersnappers have come home from school, been fed and dressed up, and then been sent out. I, on the other hand, am just about ready to wind down from a stressful day of failing to beat stupid deadlines. I've usually spent my lunch break fighting off charity collectors (just like in Airplane), and my commute despairing as eccentrics and protocol violators get my goat.
When I get home all I want is to crack open my brewski, whip out my guitar, and spend a happy 30 minutes playing some blues. The LAST thing I want is to repeatedly answer the door to these little monsters.
But hey, this is the same guy that can't stand Guy Fawkes' Night because fireworks distract him from his reading. I HATE fireworks with nearly as much passion as I hate pith, instant coffee (i.e. not freshly ground, carefully prepared, brewed by cafetiere for exactly four minutes), "chafage" and liberal newspapers.
But given the fact that most of my readers are American, and Americans LOVE Halloween more than Christmas and Thanksgiving and Yogurt (or am I wrong about that one?), I've decided to bury the hatchet and draw up a shortlist of Halloween costumes that I would consider wearing. Not being a particularly objective individual, I've focused on characters, things or concepts that scare me or "freak me out", rather than picking a more traditional costume such as a witch, skeleton or ghost.
I'd advice Americans to stop reading now, they just won't get this, especially as I'm feeling mindlessly flippant.
Ha, just kidding. Here's my shortlist, split into logical groups.
Let's face it, you wouldn't want any of these individuals turning up at your door.
1) George Bush, grinning like a monkey
2) Margaret Thatcher (let's face it, she was, and is, very scary)
3) OJ Simpson
4) George Michael
5) Michael Jackson
6) Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty (both filthy and inebriated of course)
7) Any Liberal Democrat or Labour MP
Scary Concepts (relevent to the times)
I haven't quite figured out how to dress up as any these. I rang round the local costume shops and they were not at all helpful. In fact, it was a completely futile exercise.
1) Global Warming.
2) The Credit Crunch.
3) Interest Rates.
1) A man with a mahooosive bull's head, sort of witchdoctor-like, those guys have always freaked me out.
2) A pile of meconium. Or just a pooped nappy (proper "newborn korma").
3) An umbilical cord. These things are pretty dang scary.
4) The inside of a melon with all the pips. Is it just me that has always been freaked out by these things?
5) An old man in tiny shorts and an open shirt.
6) A spider with one of those disgusting egg sacks.
7) Mouldy yogurt.
That's my shortlist. I'll let my readers decide which I should go for. What do you reckon?
A helping hand, ca. 1910s
3 hours ago