Thursday, 9 October 2008

Halloween Costume Ideas For Unenthusiastic Brits

I'll start off by being blunt. I don't like Halloween, it irritates me. It always has. For starters, the little trick-or-treaters always arrive at JUST the wrong time. That time of day when I'm just in from work, grumpy, sweaty, hungry, and just about ready to crack open a beer (or two). Or a lager (or two) if it is summer. Or one of my favourite German Weissbiers (or two), if I'm feeling particularly needy.

I guess the little whippersnappers have come home from school, been fed and dressed up, and then been sent out. I, on the other hand, am just about ready to wind down from a stressful day of failing to beat stupid deadlines. I've usually spent my lunch break fighting off charity collectors (just like in Airplane), and my commute despairing as eccentrics and protocol violators get my goat.

When I get home all I want is to crack open my brewski, whip out my guitar, and spend a happy 30 minutes playing some blues. The LAST thing I want is to repeatedly answer the door to these little monsters.

But hey, this is the same guy that can't stand Guy Fawkes' Night because fireworks distract him from his reading. I HATE fireworks with nearly as much passion as I hate pith, instant coffee (i.e. not freshly ground, carefully prepared, brewed by cafetiere for exactly four minutes), "chafage" and liberal newspapers.

But given the fact that most of my readers are American, and Americans LOVE Halloween more than Christmas and Thanksgiving and Yogurt (or am I wrong about that one?), I've decided to bury the hatchet and draw up a shortlist of Halloween costumes that I would consider wearing. Not being a particularly objective individual, I've focused on characters, things or concepts that scare me or "freak me out", rather than picking a more traditional costume such as a witch, skeleton or ghost.

I'd advice Americans to stop reading now, they just won't get this, especially as I'm feeling mindlessly flippant.

Ha, just kidding. Here's my shortlist, split into logical groups.

Scary Individuals

Let's face it, you wouldn't want any of these individuals turning up at your door.

1) George Bush, grinning like a monkey
2) Margaret Thatcher (let's face it, she was, and is, very scary)
3) OJ Simpson
4) George Michael
5) Michael Jackson
6) Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty (both filthy and inebriated of course)
7) Any Liberal Democrat or Labour MP

Scary Concepts (relevent to the times)

I haven't quite figured out how to dress up as any these. I rang round the local costume shops and they were not at all helpful. In fact, it was a completely futile exercise.

1) Global Warming.
2) The Credit Crunch.
3) Interest Rates.

Freaky Things

1) A man with a mahooosive bull's head, sort of witchdoctor-like, those guys have always freaked me out.
2) A pile of meconium. Or just a pooped nappy (proper "newborn korma").
3) An umbilical cord. These things are pretty dang scary.
4) The inside of a melon with all the pips. Is it just me that has always been freaked out by these things?
5) An old man in tiny shorts and an open shirt.
6) A spider with one of those disgusting egg sacks.
7) Mouldy yogurt.

That's my shortlist. I'll let my readers decide which I should go for. What do you reckon?

5 comments:

Edward Rhodes said...

A few more scary individuals:

8. Any Conservative MP (just to maintain political balance of course)
9. A banker (or 'bankster')
10. The Friday Joker
11. A pedant (not sure what this would look like, a bit like number 10, probably)
12. A bailiff

The Credit Crunch costume would have a large pocket into which the wearer could put money, never to see it again.

The Global Warming costume would be heated (thus in its own way contributing to climate change) and would get progressively warmer as the evening went on.

The Interest Rates costume would be of variable length, being raised or lowered each month as determined by an independent committee.

mo.stoneskin said...

Political balance? Who cares about one of them?

badly dressed boy said...

I too despise Halloween, for mainly religious reasons. I am British and take issue with your hatred of liberal journalism.

Seeing as Ed has already stolen my idea of designing costumes for abstract concepts (my only idea was a glow in the dark global warming costume as I saw a glowing model of a Nuclear Power Station in the National Museum of Scotland which showed how Nuclear damages our planet)...

anyway, seeing as Ed has already done this (I have used this shortened version of his name to vex him as revenge for beating me to it), I will post an amusing Fireworks night related story on my blog.

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Harmony said...

I remember my first night of celebrating Halloween. What? It's quite easy when you're 19. We all dressed up (I was a fairy) and went bar strolling. It was fun, I mean how could it not be? No kids + alcohol= Fun.

Other than that night, I have never liked Halloween. It's a shitty holiday where bratty kids knock on your door and demand candy. And over half of them decided to not dress for the occassion.

Ant was REAL big on being the "good" house for trick or treaters..I cannot even begin to want to tell you the amount of money spent on candy for the ungrateful little pukes. Now that we live in the middle of nowhere..you can bet we're saving a pretty penny from our move.

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!