For years there have been rumours of a revision of the food expiry dating system, but now it is finally happening. Experts have long complained that dating concepts such as sell-by, use-by and best-before are useless.
Dr Henry Geoffreys, of the respected Institute for Politically Incorrect Culinary Studies, spoke to our correspondent.
"It is about time the dating system was revised. Everyone knows that some people chuck food out when the best-before date is reached, others chuck it out when they think it smells bad, and some people from, um, lower income backgrounds, eat it until it really really smells bad. And some people eat it when, um, it has already been thrown out and buried at the bottom of the bin for a few days.
We've devised a comprehensive indexing system so that the, um, different 'groups' of people can know exactly when the food has 'expired', in their own terms of course."
The liberal press were initially furious, but have been appeased by their own inclusion on the new indexing system.
The new system is simple. The old best-before and use-by dates are still included - as anchor points if you like - but these are padded out with a full range of dates for categories or groups of people, celebrities, politicians and occupations. The dates printed here are arbitrary, for illustrative purposes only.
Russian Oligarch : 01/01/2009
Banker (pre credit crunch) : 05/01/2009
The Beckhams : 08/01/2009
High-income Family : 10/01/2009
Premiership Footballer : 11/01/2009
Tory MP : 12/01/2009
Best-before : 13/01/2009
Middle-income Family : 14/01/2009
Working Professional : 15/01/2009
Labour MP : 16/01/2009
Use-by : 17/01/2009
University Student : 19/01/2009
Liberal Democrat : 20/01/2009
Lower-income Family : 21/01/2009
Freelance Journalist/AC Content Producer : 22/01/2009
Banker (post credit crunch) : 23/01/2009
Liberal Journalist/George Monbiot/Polly Toynbee : 25/01/2009
Bohemian : 29/01/2009
Amy Winehouse/Pete Doherty : 05/02/2009
Scavenger : 28/02/2009
With the index itself agreed on, all that remains is to figure out to fit the damn thing on anything smaller than a can of beans.
A helping hand, ca. 1910s
3 hours ago