This is by far the greatest poem ever written and that aside, I'm gonna kick your ass Rubbish

When I was in France Rubbish wrote me a poem. I'm re-posting it here because nobody has ever written me a poem before and certainly not this funny. I've left it unedited, unadulterated and unspellchecked, it wouldn't do to censure the chap would it? (Even if my blog's rating will shoot right up. ) Anyway, while you're reading it I'm off to Wales to kick Rubbish's ass.

A long long time ago
I found a blog written by Mo which made me smile

And I knew if I started one
I could make it lots of fun
And maybe they would laugh for a while

But June became really hard
Challenges coming thick and fast
Wayfaring through the blogs
Was jamming up my cogs

I can't remember if I spat
When I read underline optional rats
Who thinks of all this crap
My brains just turned to shat

So Mo Stoneskins gone to France
He took a train through the tunnel for some romance
Before his wife gives birth to a son called Lance
Singing this is his last chance, yeah this is his last chance

Did he write about token intake
I'm sure it must have been a mistake
I hope so for his sake

And is writing the new rock n roll
Can blogs save your mortal soul
And does economical produce just blow

All the American Moms are in love with Mo
Because he's a Brit and a wordsmith Ho
You all kick off your furs
And dig his funky words

And I was a lonely poker playing ass mug
With a shitty blog and a line in smug
But I knew I was due some luck
The day Mo went on holiday, I started writing

Chorus

For ten days we'll be on our own
I might listen to some Rolling Stones
No will I fuck

The jester will be back really quick
Writing about hamsters and some such shit
Exclusion from his blog really sucks

But whilst the king was on vacation
Rubbish took his following nation
The blog world was stunned
Are all these Brits so fun

And whilst Nikki read Rubbish' rants
She felt a warmth in her pants
Rubbish she thought, insemination any chance
The day Mo went on holiday, I started writing

Chorus

Helter skelter in a summer swelter
Mo holidayed in a fall out shelter
Eight miles high and falling fast

So I've been smoking some grass
Wondering if these words will pass
With his non imperiousness in France

And all the Moms put on their best perfume
Whilst Rubbish wrote the words to the tune
And Mo got up to dance
But he never got a chance

Because Mo came back to take his field
But Rubbish refused to yield
He'd nicked Mo's followers he revealed
The day Mo went on holiday, I started writing

Chorus

And there we were all in one place
A generation raised in cyberspace
With no time for fucking anything

So Mo be nimble Mo be quick
Mo you're in the fucking shit
Because Rubbish has stolen all your friends

And has I read his words of wrath
I wanted to give the bitch a slap
Rubbish must be born in hell
Mo will break his spell

Approaching damnation this very night
Words written for a sacrificial rite
Mo would be laughing with delight
The day Mo went on holiday, I started writing

Chorus

I've read a Moms blog about the blues
So I left a comment for some happy news
But she never answered me

So I searched for some more
Some of them left my head feeling sore
They just weren't that funny

And in the blogs the children scream
The husbands whinge and the women dream
Not a word was spoken
The keyboards were all broken

And the blogger I admire the most
Mo Mad dog Stoneskin cannot post
He's on vacation down by the coast
The day Mo went on holiday, I started writing

Chorus

Disclaimer.
I'm not really trying to nick all Mo's followers, just the pretty ones. All the best.

Dad, where does poo come from? (Rubbish this one is for you)

Best comment ever from Rubbish on this post. Read his comment and then let me tell you more about him.

Good clean poo. Reminds me of a conversation with my Daughter when she was about five.
Daughter - "Dad, where does poo come from?"
Me (being a clever twat), "well babes, food passes down the oesophagus by a process called peristalsis. It enters into the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enters the colon. Water is absorbed whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".
Daughter - "Blimey, so where does Tigger come from"?
To be honest that comment is far too good for your blog and should be a post on my own but since your the only fucker that reads mine, so be it. Maybe you can have a best comment post and use this and then direct people to mine?
As for porn star, I'm guessing, Ron Jeremy?

Basically, my friend Rubbish is a genius. I don't really know why so few read his blog, I absolutely love it and it is one of my favourites. I love the raw, unedited prose, his adventures in gambling, tales of past nights out and the fact that he just writes. I don't just write enough, and his posts always inspire me to write more honestly.

Remember my Prompt Tuesday post with the Postman Pat ride? Rubbish also did one and it was the funniest damn thing I have ever read.

His comment on the Poltergeist piece made me laugh and I know he was probably telling the truth too:

Sounds like they have a portal from the afterlife probably coming in through the fridge. I've got a mate who can sort them out.

Rubbish, this is a little tribute to you.