Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Conspiracy Theories that will Blow Your Mind

Most people don't know it, but I am a bit of a Sherlock when it comes to unravelling conspiracies. I have long been puzzled (well, not really puzzled, just momentarily perplexed) by the following theories.

1) The Infinite Grape Theory

The Infinite Grape Theory states that no matter how full you are you can always eat an infinite number of grapes.

I have tested this myself, gorging on a large bunch after a roast dinner fit for The Queen. I wasn't able to prove the theory - while I could have eaten more grapes, the discomfort in my abdomen put me off.

2) The Judy Dench Theory

The Judy Dench Theory states that there is ONLY one actor/actress in this world and that is Dame Judy Dench.

I developed this theory with my pal Mokney, a sage of extraordinary wisdom (Solomon didn't come up with this did he?). The conversation went as follows.

Stoneskin: Judy Dench is in EVERY movie these days.

Mokney: I can think of a million movies that she isn't in.

Stoneskin: She's in every one, she's just a master of disguise. She plays every part.

Mokney: What, even in those martial art films where you have a billion black belts doing all their stuff?

Stoneskin: Yep, the ol' Dame is incredibly fit and eternally nubile.

You can't argue against this theory can you?

3) The Missing Sock Theory

I owe this one to Mokney, and remember it every morning as I fossick about for a matching pair of socks.

The Missing Sock Theory states that our socks go "missing" because they are stolen by moles (the small furry creatures, not the abnormal collections of pigment cells that we all know and love) and used as snug little sleeping bags.

As a literally minded individual with almost no common sense I feel that the link between these three theories is obvious, my conclusion is unavoidable and I dare you to challenge it.

The moles are after one thing and one thing alone. World domination. Oh, and a good night's sleep thanks to our socks.

In order to achieve this they have genetically engineered grapes in the hope that we will eat ourselves to death while watching movies, acted in their entirety by Judy Dench. The Dame is merely an unsuspecting puppet in all this, a distraction tactic coined by the mole strategists, whom I suspect wear driving gloves and tiny little moustaches.

Either that or I'm just a dullard who has got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

I'll let the masses decide.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device


Diane said...

Wow... if the photo of yours on the snowy day looked anything at all like the street in Chiswick where my friend Todd lives, I'd swear you were him (he?), and had only taken on the mo.stoneskin alias to throw me. Bizarre. Really, really bizarre.

And I just had a thought... you could have used someone ELSE'S picture to throw me. Hmmmm.

You're not Todd, are you?

Diane said...

Oh no, it wasn't the PLACE that was familiar (though I know where Shoreham is)... it was what you wrote. Your Judy Dench argument is SO my friend (eerily so)... we have conversations like that all the time (which makes me wonder, honestly, why I talk to him as often as I do). And though I won't elaborate here, I call him Mole-Boy, so your mole/sock theory made me laugh. You just sounded JUST like him in this post... it was weird.

Diane said...

He's a bit of an acquired taste ;). But the next time I'm over, I'll give you a holler. I was just there in October and I usually make it twice a year (depending on finances).

Diane said...

I love your shoddy little island. It's where my heart lives. Always has. It's a bit odd, really... I've never felt 'home' anywhere but there. I was born in Scotland and maybe that's part of it... I dunno.

Of course, don't ever ask me to DRIVE there. I can do the other side of the car OR shifting with my left hand OR the other side of the road OR roundabouts... but all at the same time? I don't think so. So if I ever do manage to live there, it'll need to be somewhere I won't need a car, or I'll have to have a driver. Either works for me.

Diane said...

I enjoy confusing people... and I tend to do it fairly well. Though not always on purpose. Sigh.

Feel free to use the email address in my profile anytime :)

bernthis said...

explain this: I do the laundry,all the time. there is only me and my kid here and I still lose the freakin socks. Yup, it's the mole, you are right and oh yeah, I wish Judi Dench was in every movie, I love her

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I'd totally buy your sock theory, if it weren't for the fact that I usually find the old dirty socks in pairs under the nearest piece of furniture. My eldest son has a penchant for hiding socks.

But Judi Dench...yep, I totally buy that one.

Anonymous said...

Interesting...i think i may have to research the infinite grape theory, that sounds in intriguing.

And the sox? I'm imagining an underground mole domicile littered with white sleeping bags. And the speed at which my sport socks have been disappearing must be directly linked to the amount of snow we've had...they're doubling up those little tiny camouflage sleeping bags for extra warm.

Real Live Lesbian said...

And here I thought squirrels were working towards world domination!

But you're right...the socks are too small for them.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

My dad was so anal, he used to keep a bowl of safety pins and would pin his dirty socks together. The safety pin would remain through the wash, dryer, and then removed during folding. Then he bragged about never losing his socks. The moles must have hated him. Me? I have provided socks for an entire mole community.

I want to test the theory of grapes with thistle. But we need to coordinate time zones.

Diane said...

Thank you for the birthday wishes! Much appreciated!

The Republican and I are friends... so we have 'non-dates', which are much like dates without the kissing. I can be friends with someone who is terribly misguided ;) but I can't kiss on him. I don't think it matters quite as much to him (though he agrees we're too different and a real relationship wouldn't work) but he understands my position on the issue. Plus, I'm not feeling the love mojo... you know?

Harmony said...

Socks as makeshift sleeping bags for Moles? I believe your on to something. I suppose if I was small enough..I would sleep in a sock.

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!