1) The Infinite Grape Theory
The Infinite Grape Theory states that no matter how full you are you can always eat an infinite number of grapes.
I have tested this myself, gorging on a large bunch after a roast dinner fit for The Queen. I wasn't able to prove the theory - while I could have eaten more grapes, the discomfort in my abdomen put me off.
2) The Judy Dench Theory
The Judy Dench Theory states that there is ONLY one actor/actress in this world and that is Dame Judy Dench.
I developed this theory with my pal Mokney, a sage of extraordinary wisdom (Solomon didn't come up with this did he?). The conversation went as follows.
Stoneskin: Judy Dench is in EVERY movie these days.
Mokney: I can think of a million movies that she isn't in.
Stoneskin: She's in every one, she's just a master of disguise. She plays every part.
Mokney: What, even in those martial art films where you have a billion black belts doing all their stuff?
Stoneskin: Yep, the ol' Dame is incredibly fit and eternally nubile.
You can't argue against this theory can you?
3) The Missing Sock Theory
I owe this one to Mokney, and remember it every morning as I fossick about for a matching pair of socks.
The Missing Sock Theory states that our socks go "missing" because they are stolen by moles (the small furry creatures, not the abnormal collections of pigment cells that we all know and love) and used as snug little sleeping bags.
As a literally minded individual with almost no common sense I feel that the link between these three theories is obvious, my conclusion is unavoidable and I dare you to challenge it.
The moles are after one thing and one thing alone. World domination. Oh, and a good night's sleep thanks to our socks.
In order to achieve this they have genetically engineered grapes in the hope that we will eat ourselves to death while watching movies, acted in their entirety by Judy Dench. The Dame is merely an unsuspecting puppet in all this, a distraction tactic coined by the mole strategists, whom I suspect wear driving gloves and tiny little moustaches.
Either that or I'm just a dullard who has got hold of the wrong end of the stick.
I'll let the masses decide.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device