Sunday, 15 February 2009

Culinary Hooligans

I was on my way to the Robin Hood to celebrate a friend's birthday. My wife was already there. I had been working late and hadn't eaten. I did what every man does when left to fend for himself. I went for a burger. I went to Grubbs.

Grubbs is Brighton's best burger bar, England's best burger bar, the World's best burger bar. I would be inclined to suggest that it is the Universe's best burger bar. I went for a triple blue cheese burger. Seriously, why does "triple" only have one "p" but "nipple" have two? I blame the moles for that one.

Grubbs' window had been smashed the night before, and I walked to the Robin Hood seething with fury. I expressed this fury in conversation with a chap named Olly. I don't remember the exact contents of the rant, but it went something like this.

"What sort of culinary hooligan would smash the window of the greatest burger bar in town? It is nauseating to imagine the monumentally incognizant lunatic that would do such a thing. The mental gymnastics required to empathise with that behaviour are impossible. I tried a mental triple back flip across a balance bar and it just made my brain hurt. The perpetrator deserves to have their feet encased in a gigantic concrete burger and subjected to a series of brutal coordinated gherkin-throwing attacks."

"I do apologise," said Olly. "We had a drunken shopping trolley race last night and one of the trolleys went through the window."

13 comments:

Vodka Mom said...

I see you suffer from foot in mouth disease, as well.

Vodka Mom said...

I see you suffer from foot in mouth disease, as well.

Vodka Mom said...

and I meant that SO much that i said it TWICE.

Diane said...

I was attached like that to a place here in town... Spanky's. All their sandwiches were named after characters in the Little Rascals series. I used to eat the Alfalfa (every. time. I. ate. there.) Amazing food. Then they closed. Because they hadn't paid their taxes. Bastards. No-tax-paying-Alfalfa-making-bastards.

I feel your pain.

bernthis said...

read every post I've ever written and 80 percent of them include moments like this one

The Friday Joker said...

Mo.stoneskin wants to know why 'nipple' is spelt with double p and 'triple' with only one p. Apparently, he will buy me a pint of dry cider if I can give an answer (presumably not one involving the mole conspiracy theory).

(Please note that no use of Wikipedia was involved in this answer.)

Nipple was first recorded in English in 1538 as 'nyppell' but ultimately comes from the Old English word 'nebb' meaning 'beak' or 'snout' (and, by extension, an anatomical projection of some kind). The double p almost certainly reflects the double b in the Old English word, especially as in Old English, the double b is geminated (= pronounced as a double consonant), not an easy thing for modern English speakers to do, it would seem.

Triple is descended from a Latin word, 'triplus', meaning 'threefold' (i.e. tri- 'three' and -'plus' fold) and entered the English language in the 14th century. The single p is the first letter of the Latin suffix -plus.

Does this qualify me as the recipient of a free pint of dry cider?

I once heard it said that English didn't so much borrow words from other languages, as hold other languages down and rifle their pockets.

Diane said...

The Friday Joker is 1) really smart, or 2) an expert at the whole, 'if you can't dazzle them brilliance, baffle them with bullshit'(as my dad used to say). Either way, I think he's deserving of a pint!

Hey, when did you become 'Mad Dog'? Did you just do it or am I so unobservant that it's been weeks and I never noticed?

mo.stoneskin said...

I've always been "mad dog", but thought the title should say so!

If you peeps haven't visited The Friday Joker's site please do so he is brilliant.

Diane said...

Went. Commented. Will go back.

thistlesandmapleleaves said...

You and The Friday Joker are the guys that write that Word-A-Day thingy i subscribe to aren't you...

and believe it or not i was in a drunken trolley race once...well, a drunken shopping cart race anyhow...somehow i ended up doing the pushing but as it was the beer rep (ie the guy providing us with the free beer)i was happy to do the honours!

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I loved this one.

And I'll be back with questions for you. I'm not afraid.

g said...

Drunken shopping trolley races - LOL!

You would enjoy My Father's Office in L.A. - they have a great burger that's locally famous. Here's my post:

http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=7486020167848564517&postID=6892516858147885306

if you ever come to L.A., I'll buy you one!

Harmony said...

Sounds like Olly owes you a burger. Love the rant!

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!