Monday, 23 February 2009

Mission Impossible (thanks Cactus)

Today's post is destined for disaster. My task, as outlined by San Diego Momma, and as set by Cactus Petunia, is to write a post "about Elvis, and a pink dressing gown, referencing Election Day 2012 and Madison Square Garden in NYC".

So in short, a recipe for disaster. Whatever follows (as I write, I don't yet know what will follow) will almost certainly be complete tosh, lack any ounce of sagacity, and If I get any points it will be simply for insanity.


*****

It is Election Day 2012 (doesn't time fly!) already. Special Agent James Ostrich sped through New York on his mini-scooter, a man of the nicest scruples, but a man born with an inbuilt disposition towards the mismanagement of time.

It may not be his fault. I can offer a number of plausible explanations. Maybe he grew up in a house with no clocks. Maybe his house is resident to a mischievous poltergeist who perpetually sets the clocks back. Maybe he belongs to a strange cult that teaches that watches are "of the Devil". Most likely of all he simply is incapable of managing time. Twenty years on the job, twenty years of being late for work, why do such people torture themselves like that?

Anyway, he was late again.

Unfortunate enough to have the surname of Ostrich, he was even more unfortunate to have the general deportment of an ostrich. An ostrich in a mini-scooter race.

His latest assignment was to monitor an expected rendezvous in Madison Square Garden. Not that there was a rendezvous expected. It was merely a ploy by his superiors to get him out of the way during the election. The last thing Obama needs on the day of his re-election is to be knocked over by an ostrich on a mini-scooter. Actually, the last thing Obama needs is chronic diarrhea, but there was nothing Ostrich's superiors could do to prevent that.

Across town in an apartment overlooking Madison Square Garden, Elvis was preparing his escape. He had planning his escape for the last year, a tortuous year to say the least. A daily subjection to Hound Dog had almost driven him insane. Almost. Gathering together his last remaining threads of clarity, he forced open the door of his cage and hopped out. Though a small hamster, a strict exercise regime and healthy diet had given him an unnatural strength.

Snatching his owner's pink dressing gown, he ran and leaped out the window, the dressing gown functioning as a bright, towely parachute. Elvis had learnt that one from Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 3. As he sailed out the window Elvis' owner ran into the room.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Elvis has left the building."

Ostrich, Elvis, the mini-scooter and the pink dressing gown tangled together in an unholy mess. Ostrich picked up the limp hamster and examined the name tag (yep, this little critter had a collar).

"My gosh," he said, "the King is dead."

19 comments:

Diane said...

I think maybe we should have a chat about your drinking... it's possibly getting a bit out of hand, love.

Seriously, though, I got a big chuckle. I could actually see it all going down in my mind's eye and though it was a tad on the insane side, I loved it! Well, given that I'm a tad on the insane side, that's not surprising, I guess.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I agree with Diane - that was very visual. Mad cap, modern day keystone.

San Diego Momma said...

" inbuilt disposition towards the mismanagement of time"

"Unfortunate enough to have the surname of Ostrich, he was even more unfortunate to have the general deportment of an ostrich. An ostrich in a mini-scooter race."

"Though a small hamster, a strict exercise regime and healthy diet had given him an unnatural strength."

....AND so these are just a few of the reasons why I love you so.

Platonically and chastely, of course.

Captain Dumbass said...

Long live the King.

Jennifer said...

Awesome. I love it.

blognut said...

I shuddered in terror when I saw your prompt! That you were able to cobble together something this funny out of the challenge you were given is pure genius.

g said...

An amazing accomplishment. A tour de force! Elvis, the election, Madison Sqaure garden, and a pink dressing gown. Not to mention a hamster and an ostrich.

Awesome.

I threw a temper tantrum over at Sandiegomomma's about PrompTuesday. You put my childish antics to shame. I should go back and take on a prompt like a grownup.

bernthis said...

Bravo! Well done. I love this guy I just would never want him to work for me.

cactus petunia said...

Yee Ha!
Just for that, I'm putting you in my bookmarks bar, right next to Bossy!
Well done!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

HILARIOUS! Seriously, that was so creative, I loved it.

jpooh said...

Well, aren't YOU creative - when handed an assignment to write "about Elvis, and a pink dressing gown, referencing Election Day 2012 and Madison Square Garden in NYC", you went and threw an ostrich into the mix.

Nimble thinking, hon. Just...nimble.

Jan from the Sushi Bar

Irish Gumbo said...

That was top drawer stuff, my friend!

Brilliant, I loved it!

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Bwahahaha! I loved it!

Diane said...

'Tis that Todd, yes :)

SassyTwoSocks said...

So effing great. Reminded me a bit of the writing by Joseph O'Neill that I just read, in Netherland. BTW, that is a HUGE compliment.

Sass said...

You intimidate me.

Nej said...

"...a man born with an inbuilt disposition towards the mismanagement of time."

Your way with words is formidable.

(but in a good way)

:-)

Harmony said...

You boggle me with your brilliance. Truly astonishing...how do you do it?

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As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!