Sunday, 14 December 2008

Pubescent Fury

Snubbed by Morag, scorned by Maria, it looks like the emigration to Norway (based entirely on the premise that their trains are better than ours) might be off.

On the up side, at least the daily drama on our trains more than makes up for it.

The three chavs were loitering on the platform opposite, scowling like monkeys. Chavs always scowl like monkeys. In fact, the only time I've seen a chav smile is when leering over page 3 of The Sun.

The chav that is. I wouldn't be seen dead with The Sun - unless I had been beaten to death with one rolled up and used as a club.

The Sun, that is. I don't intend to ever be rolled up and used as a club.

In case "chav" is lost in translation, I think the American equivalent is "white trash". I'm going to try and start pre-empting any translation issues. See some excellent definitions from the online urban dictionary.

As they swaggered about gobbing between every breath, they were smoking, and looking pretty pleased with themselves - smoking is banned at stations.

When I say they were smoking, I mean smoking collectively as one, sharing a cigarette.

Ugh! I imagine (not being a smoker) that sharing a cigarette is acceptable amongst couples, but when three grubby salivating teenagers are sharing one it is pretty gross - akin to sharing gum or a boiled sweet, or even (dare I say it) toilet paper.

Swaggering, loitering, gobbing, puffing, and all the while looking like they thought they were Kiefer Sutherland. Or three Kiefers I suppose.

When their train pulled in they seemed unfazed. Nonchalant in fact, continuing to puff and gob as if they couldn't care less. Then the doors shut and they panicked, banging on the doors and cursing the train driver. The train pulled away leaving them marooned on a cold, icy platform.

As for the rest of us on the safety of our own platform, we just laughed.

And then there was the time when our train pulled into a station that was lit up with fiery pubescent passion. A chav was on the platform snogging his girlfriend. I use the word "snogging" reluctantly, it's not a nice word, but it is the only one appropriate.

He got onto the train, then lept back out to give his girlfriend a final kiss. The doors shut, leaving him behind cursing in a stroppy fit of pubescent fury.

As the train pulled away I pointed and smiled. I felt it was appropriate to "let him know".


Kofi Bofah said...

Hey Stoneskin.

Greetings from AC.

You already know me, buddy!

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Thanks for the translation of chav. That was one I had not heard.

And for some reason I am still laughing at "three Keifers". I think maybe I am drunk.

SassyTwoSocks said...

I, too, enjoy a good laugh at someone else's unfortunate circumstances, especially when it's a result of their own stupidity. Well done.

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!