Wednesday, 10 December 2008

The UK at a glance

I don't often comment on the news, but with today's papers containing all sorts of juicy material it would have been a crime not too.

Having said that, I spent most of the commute listening to three teenage girls moan about their dads, one of whom spends too long in the bath. But anyway, back to the news.

Drug-addicted or alcoholic thieves will escape jail from next month if they can prove their crimes are driven by their need for a fix. Aside from the fact that this will become the shoplifter's charter, I think it is a great idea. In fact, I think they should escape jail if they were merely in a bad mood.

A cat Frankie has been stealing cuddly toys from the neighbouring households. So if you can't find your favourite teddybear, maybe Frankie has him. The good news is that Frankie is a friendly cat, so your teddybear will be in good care, albeit a little shaken.

Christian campaigners have lost their legal challenge against scientists being allowed to create human-animal embryos for research. Phew, that means my dream of having a duck's wings and a bull's head could still be realised.

Horses, donkeys and ponies were left to starve and die at a farmyard. The defendants deny all the charges. Presumably they overslept, or were repeatedly distracted by daytime TV. Of course, they could always claim it was due to their drug or alcohol addiction.

Chemists will be making the Pill available over the counter without a prescription, this despite evidence that it will have no affect on unplanned pregnancies, with one study suggesting that it will lead to more STD infections. Moral arguments aside, I always like to see evidence ignored. Evidence shmevidence, that's what I say.

A lollipop man has been banned from putting Christmas tinsel on his stick, and even burst into tears. Given the number of times I've tripped over tinsel hanging off a lollipop stick I'm not in the slightest bit sympathetic. Good riddance.

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) has spent considerable time and effort ruling that "feck" is not an expletive. I'm hoping that they will now rule that "banana" is an expletive, as I think it is a heinous swear. In the meantime, I'm off to the local FCUK store to exploit the VAT cut.

A reveller who killed a stranger for looking like Wayne Rooney is denying manslaughter. I imagine his defence would be "Your honour, Rooney is not a man, he's a boy."

Irish beef is at the centre of a health scare after cattle tested positive for illegally high level of dioxins (hey, I don't know what they are either). The meat will not be recalled because apparently there is only a risk if there is long-term exposure to the meat. This is particularly harrowing for those of us on an Irish-steak-a-night diet.

A ban on a pornographic Wikipedia image of a young girl was lifted by the Internet Watch Foundation yesterday. The image was on the Scorpion's album Virgin Killer. It warms my heart to see the IWF living up to its responsibilities. I may have to buy the album though, it sounds like lovely dinner music.

Cigarettes will soon be off display and under the counter. Hopefully cheap scratchcards will also follow suit, meaning I'm no longer stuck behind lotto junkies at the counter.


Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

"A lollipop man has been banned from putting Christmas tinsel on his stick, and even burst into tears. Given the number of times I've tripped over tinsel hanging off a lollipop stick I'm not in the slightest bit sympathetic. Good riddance."


Anonymous said...'s good to see the British justice system is as logical as the Canadian one...wait...i bet we can blame the Brit system for our lack of common sense on account of us being the offspring and all...

we'll save blaming the americans for when we start suing each other for bad Tim Horton's coffee and donuts...or a hockey game that doesn't live up to our expectations ;)

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Oh I loved this! I wish I spoke Polish better, then I could do the same thing, but with horrible translations.

Hm...I could still do that.

Vodka Mom said...

wait a minute, he did WHAT with his lollipop???

Edward Rhodes said...

Just to avoid any unfortunate misunderstandings, and because I don't know whether similar arrangements exist in other parts of the world, it should be noted that, in the UK, a 'lollipop man' is a man (or woman, although she would be called a 'lollipop woman') employed to help children cross the road, by walking out into the road and standing in front of traffic carrying a large lollipop-shaped sign with the words, 'STOP Children' written on it in large letters, so as to stop the traffic (not the children) and enable people to cross safely. It may sound old fashioned, it may sound rather dangerous, it may sound completely bonkers, but old fashioned and bonkers is how we like doing things over here.

Obviously, we can assume that the lollipop man's 'stick' is referring to his large lollipop- shaped sign, and not anything else which he might want to attach tinsel to during the festive season!

mo.stoneskin said...

Thanks Edward, I've now realised that a few things get lost in translation!

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!