Friday, 12 June 2009

The Daily Wit

The Daily Wit set us a task to write a story using a (very bizarre) list of words. Time has been short and I wasn't going to attempt it, but over a lunchtime beer I had second thoughts. The required words are in bold. Oh, and I'm on holiday now, I will be MIA for two weeks, please come back and I'll be back on your blogs in two weeks' time.

The room was bare. Well, almost. The body had been removed, a chalk outline marked where it had lain. There was pool of blood on the floor. Beside the pool were a pair of toothpicks, their tips read with blood. On the mantelpiece was a solitary statue of Torquemada and an empty mug.

"What sort of sick low-life would do this?" said Inspector Smith, sniffing the mug.

"Do what?" replied Inspector Jones.

"Kill a man with a pair toothpicks before relaxing with a cup of Ugandan coffee."

Jones glanced out of the window. The bears were still trapped in glue. Bear-glue is a bit like mouse-glue, but stronger. Like its rodent counterpart, bear-glue is designed to hold the victim fast until death. Although clearly frustrated by the glue, which prevented them from moving and was irritating their tootsies, the bears were engaged in a furious debate about micro-lending. The credit-crunch is affecting everyone.

"Revenge?" suggested Jones, with a certain sardonic emphasis. He took a hip-flask out of his jacket pocket and knocked back some Jack Daniels, probably about a fifth.

Smith lit his pipe, assumed his favourite Sherlock pose and then cursed suddenly, a curse so deadly I'm reluctant to repeat it here.

"Neptune's Bathtub!" he swore, "it has to be so simple. I went on a 12 step program once, a course on detective work given by some twit dressed in a stupefying purple suit. He had horrible yellow skin, anyone would think he'd been eating radioactive isotopes or bitten by a tarantula or somethin'. He was a nut-case. One of my colleagues found him in a vacant lot blowing bubbles and pretending to play netball. Anyway it's all about reading between the lines."

"And?"

"There are no bloody lines and I don't have a bloody clue."

48 comments:

Harmony said...

Mo! I am so excited that you did this!!

Brilliant! Micro-lending chat amongst bears trapped in bear glue? Awesome...I mean honestly what else would they talk about, during these stressful times?

Death by toothpick, sounds absolutely terrifying. I'll never look at a toothpick without suspicion again.

Off to Rubbish's place to see what he came up with.

otherworldlyone said...

I've been absolutely horrified just thinking about those toothpicks...imagining just how you would...

Oh, nevermind. My eyeballs are twitching.

The Daily Wit said...

Good job! Mo, I'm so glad you've joined the club. I loved the story. I never would have guessed "bear glue" would have entered the equation as one thing.

Enjoy your holiday.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Were the toothpicks reading with blood or were the words written on them in blood?

How difficult it would be to read a toothpick?

;)

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Ha! And then Karma bit me in the ass because I screwed up my punctuation!

Captain Dumbass said...

You, sir, should find a publisher.

Samsmama said...

Excellent! I'm so glad you took part in this! I'm loving all the different takes on it. And that it came to you over a "lunchtime beer" just makes it better!

Enjoy your vacation! See ya in two weeks...

Slyde said...

i concur! find a publisher!

the girl said...

If your way with words is enhanced by a lunchtime beer, I bow down to your awesome soporific-resistance powers. Oh, and to your obvious literary genius.

xo

Eric said...

Such great verbal contortionry the likes of which I've never seen... Good job and have fun on the holiday!

Nikki said...

I left you an award on my page. Go get it when you can.

Love the story. I may make you right a story using words I make up. Haha that would be great!

Cora said...

FUNNY. Hmm.... I might think about joining this little clan....

diane said...

Great job with the story, Mo! The original idea of word tagging with a story was mine, so I'll gladly take credit for that. I can't believe how fast it spread, and how many people are doing it.

One wonders what the next two weeks have in store for you. I hope good things. xo

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

That was awesome. You need to publish a book of short stories.

I loved "read with blood"

Hit 40 said...

Have a wonderful holiday!! If possible, bring us back some pictures.

San Diego Momma said...

If I have a lunchtime beer, will I write stuff like this too?

Don't answer that.

I'm just gonna go for it.

Mr. Condescending said...

lol @ irritated tootsies!

Gaston Studio said...

If I mail you a scrap of paper would you sign it for me? I want to say I knew you before you became famous.

andy said...

HA!

if i wasn't kind of tipsy from a liquid lunch your story would be even more brilliant.

let's hope my co-workers don't notice.

andy

p.s. ssshhh.

Char said...

Excellent. I read one other so far, NO comparison. Great job.

Have a great (& safe) hoilday.

lizspin said...

Are you sure stupefying wasn't a word too????

See you in two weeks!

Maria Roth said...

I feel bad for those bears.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Genius. What else is there to say?

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Nicely done.

I'll never use a toothpick again though. :-)

The Rambler said...

You, my sir are a literary genius of fun!!

Have a wicked time on holiday and don't even think of the blog world.

Don't forget to have a bit of wine for me...or two :)

LiLu said...

"Neptune's Bathtub!"

This is totally my new go-to cuss word...

the mama bird diaries said...

That's brilliant. Enjoy the vacation.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Loved this! I agree - you should publish a book of short stories! How fun!

Jeanne said...

Too funny!

Tell me -- are bears pro- micro-loans or against them?

Amy said...

Smashing job! This seems really hard.

You know, I live 30 minutes from the Jack Daniels distillery. If you like trivia here's a good one for you to take to the pub: Jack Daniels is made in a "dry county" - a county where the sale of alcohol is illegal. So, you can tour the distillery in Tullahoma, Tennessee and see them making it, but you cannot puchase the whiskey.

Beth said...

You are brilliant! Really. This is brilliant!

travellinbaen said...

I'm with LiLu. "Neptune's bathtub" is the best new catchphrase since "ay carumba!". Also loved the homage to Holmes.

A brilliant sodding witter! (three terms I just googled under Brit exclamations which hopefully are the trans-pond translation of damn good)

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

I love the way your mind works! I think the bears are VERY disturbed by the current credit crisis.

Nej said...

Your brain works in marvelous ways!!!

Debbie said...

Great job! Those kind of tasks are daunting to me.
Hope you are having fun.

Girl Interrupted said...

Well done, you clever old stick! Your posts are always an inspiration.

Have a great holiday, Mo :)

jessica o said...

Bear glue is brilliant! Great image. Toothpick weaponry is frightening. That reminds me, I need a manicure.

Hit 40 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hit 40 said...

Well... if the comment is going to show that I was here...

I forgot you were on holiday. I hope your having a blast!!!

rubbish said...

Hi Mo,
Guess you must be home from your holidays soon. Hope you had a good one, can't wait for the stories.
All the best.

♥ Braja said...

For God's sake,will you come back and BLOG??? I need an hilarious take on Michael Jackson...have you seen how SERIOUSLY all the Americans are taking it? Like he was important to the universe, or something.......

jessica o said...

This American celebrates the death of each and every child molester.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Come back already Mo. I have an awrd for you over at my place ; -)

g said...

Where you been? I'm seriously missing stories about the train rides....

Vodka Mom said...

now THAT was very cool.

I'll never look at a toothpick again without shivering.

Susan said...

You had me at lunchtime beer.

Ananda girl said...

I have never been here before... what a wonderful story! You met that challenge with great gusto!

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

You know.... I read this ages ago when you posted it and I can't believe I didn't comment!

Oh, wait. I was supposedly not blogging then.


Dammit. I just totally gave myself away.

Oh, well. I guess I'm back. *shrug*

And, for the record, I thought this was extremely clever and I, too, am now in love with the expression "Neptune's Bathtub!"

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!