Monday, 8 June 2009

Further Proof that Women Are Crazy

It is one of the fundamental rules of life. The moment you are gifted with some blissful solitude in barges some lunatic and pokes you in the eye. Metaphorically, I mean.

I had a four-seat area to myself. Across the aisle slouched a traveller surrounded by bags. He looked weary and was slugging away on a can of Fosters. Three women clattered onto the train and sat in my area. It was one of those groups where one of them is the leader and the others just nod and smile. The leader spewed out a relentless stream of nonsense, the others just nodded and smiled. It was one of the most terrifying monologues I've ever heard, it reminded me of this mother of all mad mother-in-law monologues. I took a few notes. It wasn't the actual content of the monologue which was remarkable, it was the way she traversed the subjects of quiche, sailing, politics and garden parties without stopping to breathe and without any prompting from the others.

They had evidently been to some sort of Labour Party do (in case my international readers were unaware - we had local elections last week).

...we ate copious amounts of quiche, all bought from Cloughs of course, as you do...the BNP got 400 votes, everyone is hacked off, this man put a Labour vote in the BNP pile, I pointed it out of course, they'll catch it later on...blah blah...he'd had the seat for twelve years...blah blah...that pretty girl, very pretty indeed, we talked about the expenses scandal, I spoke to Ash Edwards, you know he's in the cabinet, I said can't we have a committee that feeds into the cabinet, he's very pleasant you know, I drove fifty-six miles around picking up people...

The other two women had not got a word in edgeways. Any attempt to do so would have been as futile as trying to get a suntan in Scotland. I caught the traveller's eye. A hunted look was in his eyes. He sighed wearily, half a sigh and half the sound of a man's soul being rung like a towel. In that moment we forged a silent partnership. We would survive.

...Anthea has a saying 'those who pay together win together', they're having a garden party if you're interested...I've been Labour all my life, it's something very deep within me...blah blah...Janice (who's a Lib. Dem.) likes to go walking 'like woman', you know, all the chit-chat beforehand, and we like our walks but most of us are not up to 'striding edge'...blah blah...one of the reasons I couldn't go skiing (aside from weddings, babies and things) was I had already used up twenty days of holiday...David said I am to stay and look after the kids, it is -I'm afraid to say - the new generation...the first time I took a Topper out I got in trouble for going too far, but I can sail, I can even windsurf, you don't want to hang around waiting...my French is fantastic of course...

Finally they got of the train.

"Oh the sweet, sweet relief," I said, stretching out my feet and breathing in the tranquillity. Heaven, I believe, will be a bit like capturing moments like these and prolonging them for eternity.

"Thank fuck for that," said the traveller, taking a swig of his Fosters. "It would have been alright if they had something decent to talk about."

46 comments:

sas said...

reason #856 why citizens should be armed.

Eric said...

Haha, girls talking for talking's sake about nothing at all... so true sometimes.

Cora said...

Sounds like my mother!! I never get to say ANYTHING. She just vaults from topic to topic without taking a breath. It's mindnumbing. And I can never figure out how to make my escape.

Grrr.

Oh, and then she's mystified and hurt when she realizes she has no idea what's going on in my life because there was never a chance to tell her.

This is why I blog. I actually get to *gasp* SAY STUFF on my blog. Amen.

otherworldlyone said...

Those poor other women.

jadedj said...

Good god, I'm exhausted just reading this. And I wasn't aware that my mother-in-law had been out of the states.

Courtney said...

crazy indeed!

Scope said...

Too bad the old lady last week stunned thr "cheek" out of you. This is the kind of converstion I love joining uninvited.

When told, "This is a PRIVATE conversation" I reply "This is PUBLIC transportation"

Work great with people on mobiles, too.

Harmony said...

Thank fuck for that ~ Hilarious!!

Comedy Goddess said...

I should inform you Mo, that they were using our For Women Only Secret Code language.

It would not be permissible for me to tell you exactly what they said, but suffice it to say that they thought highly of you.

♥ Braja said...

Sas is right.
Comedy Goddess is on drugs, I believe.
You should be armed.
Cora shares my mood: escape!

Captain Dumbass said...

Secret Code Language? I knew it!

Mr London Street said...

Hmm. This is simply proof that you were on a train with one tedious person who happened to be a woman and two ovine spectators, hardly proof that women are crazy Mo.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Oh, that terrible sinking feeling one gets when a solitary moment on public transport becomes a shared one! Like when you think you have two seats of a National Express coach to yourself, and just before the driver starts the engine someone sits next to you.

Then the added sinking feeling when they start to talk to you, even when you've got your iPod playing and you're looking wistfully out of the window.

The final stage in this triptych of misery is the point, usually about fifteen minutes into the one-sided conversation, when - apropos of nothing - they start sharing their views on immigrants.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

So, if I visit Scotland I should leave the swim suit at home?

And, as a female, I think they were drag queens.

rubbish said...

It's like that in my house every day mate. I'll be sitting in the kitchen reading the paper, trying to ignore Ghengis, and I can hear my wife and daughter in the front room rabbiting on about everything and nothing. Global warming, ice cream, by elections, Hannah Montanna, the Apprentice, ballet, the full gamut. I walk in and ask my daughter what she got up to in school and they both go "Sssh, we're trying to watch TV". Even the cat (female) will stick her arse in the air in a "kiss this schmuck" kind of way, before blanking me until it's time to be fed. Fucking witches.

Diane said...

I think Mr. London Street is vying for the attention of your female readers.

Oh, and by the way, Mr. London Street... you now have it! ;)

Nikki said...

I usually talk about random things such as... Donkey shows, stripper poles, and crotchless panty hose.

I have no idea what they were talking about. I'm not clued in on the secret language I guess.

the mama bird diaries said...

I can't stand people who never shut up.

Michel said...

Do you think it might be because they were speaking British??

Did she have brown hair? It might be my mom....I never listen to her. She could be visiting you guys for all I know.

Stacie's Madness said...

yes, beware us crazies.

C.B. Jones said...

This proof will never hold up in a court of law. Women everywhere will claim that you didn't understand and were not listening, thus the case would be thrown out.

The system doesn't work.

Fancy Schmancy said...

If it's not Cora's mother, it might have been mine. Did she talk like a Florida Jew?

chris hale said...

I find it a little disturbing that you remembered the conversation in such minute and, let's not deny it, tedious, detail.

You don't live far from me, do you? Is there any change I could pay you to remember things for me? I suppose that'd make you a sort of Personal Organism.

The Stiletto Mom said...

Mo, women are not crazy. We do these types of things on purpose just to torture all you poor men out there....please don't tell anyone I let you in on our little secret though, ok?

Samsmama said...

I'm thankful you had a fellow comrade to help you survive. That would have been terrifying had you been all alone. Thank fuck for that, indeed!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I talk a lot, but that is just ridiculous.

Hit 40 said...

Fun to pop by late to see what the others have said :-)

I got a headache just imagining this wind bagged conversation.

My mother in law fills any void of silence with words about nothing. She will comment on the colors of cars as we drive down the road.

LiLu said...

Women are crazy, it's true... and men are dumb.

Not a great combo.

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

pointless yammering my women on the commuter train?

would never happen in the U.S.

diane said...

I totally love the way you fit the blah blahs in between. I was rather surprised there weren't more blah blahs. And you said that man was drinking BEFORE she got on the train?

cactus petunia said...

You needed further proof that women are crazy?

The crazy incontinent fat lady dressed in pink who called you a rabbit wasn't enough of a tip off?

I suspect you must emit some kind of pheromone that attracts them! (I must admit, I'm strangely drawn to your blog)

bernthis said...

these are the moments I miss so much when I used to live in NYC and ride the subways all the tine

Me, Amplified said...

do you ever get suspicious looks from people when you start writing down their conversations?!

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I fixated on the fact that he had a beer. In Poland, we're not allowed to drink on public transport.

Which is SO unfair. And explains all the angry people.

Beth said...

Shit. This sounds like half the teachers at my school. I swear they went into education just for the captive audience part of the job.

Vodka Mom said...

omg, that kind of chatter DRIVES ME INSANE....

Ann's Rants said...

half the sound of a man's soul being rung like a towel

hehe. awesome.

The Jules said...

Be extra friendly and try some very fast close up waving.

Makes lots of people change seats does that.

Slyde said...

Thank goodness it was only "Metaphorically".. i was about to send you a pirate eye-patch..

Mr. Condescending said...

I think that was my ex girlfriend. I now literally suffer daily from my selective hearing due to tuning her out for so long, I feel your pain Mo

Nej said...

At least you weren't alone. Makes it a little more bearable. :-)

Debbie said...

I would have wanted to hurt someone. Badly.

the girl said...

That's why earplugs are necessary on ALL forms of mass transit. Ride without them at your own risk. If all else fails, emulate your fellow traveller and carry beer.

xo

g said...

I'm telling you, you have a flashing neon sign on your head that signals all the crazies to converge on you! It's the only explanation how you manage to encounter these people!

The Daily Wit said...

"Thank fuck." I now have a new saying that I'll pass off as my own. Thank you.

Tooj said...

Diarrhea of the mouth is a common disease for women. I admit it. But I, however, do NOT have it. (nor will any other woman you ask about it)

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!