Friday, 8 May 2009

The 'Live' Post, the unadulterated scribblings of a man in a pub (oh, and a MadDogCast of my jelly-biting mission...)

Health warning. This is a 'live' post. What I mean is, this is the self-obsessed monologue of a man in a pub, the typed up scribblings from the night before, unedited apart from fixing a zillion spelling mistakes and slipping in a couple of commas. If you don't think you will cope then leave now...

I'm at the Evening Star, my favourite writing zone, the best pub around, essentially a beer-drinkers' heaven, four guest ales, four 'own' ales (the pub is owned by a local brewery), a couple of 'own' lagers, several guest lagers, a massive range of ciders and the largest offering of imported bottled beer in existence.

I have a meeting in a couple of hours so I'm killing time, writing my first 'live' post, meaning apart from correcting typos - a zillion of them - you are reading the unadulterated monologue of a self-obsessed rogue who is drinking Verhaeghe Pils.

There is an old man at the bar who is wearing the kind of outfit that should be outlawed. In fact, I expect it IS outlawed in some sensible communities.

This is what he is wearing. Hiking shoes, by which I mean the ones that look like ankle boots but have no ankle bits. Reddy-brown trousers, very red but slightly dulled, faded even. An orange and blue stripey t-shirt.

[pause]

Orange and blue? Draped over his prominent beer-belly. What's really funny is that he's wearing it inside out, you can see the seams.

When I finish my pint I will try to take a photo. Captain Dumbass has been moaning constantly about my lack of photographic evidence. His incessant whining...

A man just wandered in. Long trench coat, black beret at a stupid tilt, a scruffy little black dog on a lead of string. String?

STRING?

The guy in the stripey top just looked around and pointed at the string, laughed, and tried to share the joke with me. Nah mate, too busy writing.

Hmm, two guys nearby are having an in depth discussion about how to pronounce "Icin-glass". [I have no idea what that is, beer, mountain, glass purification?!] "I always thought it was pronounced Icing Glars." "Oh, no, it has to be Icing-Glass"...

How funny is this? There's a haggard old man in the far corner, crazy long grey hair, mature grey beard, a leather jacket that looks so old it could have been one of Elvis's. He has a Belgian beer - I recognise the goblet - who appears to be examining his beer with a magnifying glass. A magnifying glass? What the Hellman's Mayonaise?! This is EXACTLY why I love this place. I can't get a photo, he is 10m away and all I have is my Crackberry, but he is brandishing this little plastic magnifying glass, stopping every now and then to inspect his beer.

Right, I'm gonna go for a wee, then see if I can sneak a photo of the inside-out t-shirt. Ha! If he notices I'll say I'm photographing the beer taps. Genius. I'll draw a line on my pad to indicate a short break.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Right, I'm back. It's a bit blurred but look - it IS inside out. Actually, we had a good old chat about beer, and the problems with guest ales before I sneaked a photo.

[it's a bit blurred, hard to tell from this blurry photo, but you can see the seams, it was geniunely inside-out. Captain Dumbass I hope you appreciate the effort]


52 comments:

Eric said...

The jelly-biting 'action movie' style music is greatness!!!
Who wears pale orange and blue?

jpooh said...

Good heavens - can you imagine how ugly that shirt would be right-side out?

Someone call the fashion police. Or let the dog on the string whiz on the shirt. It certainly couldn't hurt...

Harmony said...

MadDogCast on jelly-biting? Pure genius!

"I'll draw a line on my pad to indicate a short break." ~ Made me lose control of my coffee...that is hilarious.

Courtney said...

Next time you should probably go hang out with the "haggard man in the corner". Nothing but pure hilarity could possible come from his mouth.

(at the very least you could find out why he needs to inspect his brew with such intensity)

Samsmama said...

Oh, you can bite my jelly any time.



Wait...what?

Call Me Cate said...

You should arrest that guy for crimes against humanity. I'm not sure to applaud your dedication in snapping the photo or to berate you for assaulting my eyes with it.

Sass said...

Funny...

My post today is somewhat of a live post...

Are we twins? No. Mine's not so funny.

Maybe we're cousins???

The Jules said...

You're like a foreign corresponent reporting on a bad link from some godforaken hole where the locals don't speak proper like what we all does.

Safe tour, man.

Ooh, pringles.

Tooj said...

I only wish you could have snapped a photo of the boot-shoes. :)

andy said...

as long as you promise you don't have some massive infectious disease, your secret is safe with me.

i'm a little pissed off, though.

we don't sell jelly in the supermarkets in Canada that come in the little packets. unless you go to the bulk stores...but then they're sealed in cases. if i ate out in restaurants i would have much more luck; but those outings are few and far between.

what to bite, what to bite?

the condom boxes, perhaps?

that would be totally awesome.

if they were the flavoured ones, anyhow.

andy

p.s. maybe that guy's mum was doing his wash and that was the only thing he had clean to wear so that he could go to his favourite watering hole and wet his whistle? poor mismatched bastard.

Comedy Goddess said...

Beer belly draping is never a good look. Doesn't he know that horizontal stripes accentuate the bulges?

Mo, you have a delightful voice.

Char said...

Are you sure its safe to drink in that place? I'm thinking maybe you should've further investigated the magnified brew.

Sassy Britches said...

I like your live posts...if I whine a lot will you do more?

And yesterday's post left me confused. What are these jelly things? I clicked the link, and the pic was STILL out of my league.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Where's the shot of beard man with magnifying glass? And when are you taking us all pub hoppping?

Stacie's Madness said...

OUTLAWED is right, horizontal stripes are NEVER good. :)

Audra said...

OMG I am in love, if we had whatever the hell it is you are biting here I would so do it. Maybe I can substitute cheese biting or something.

Mr. Condescending said...

Not sure if you know this already, but call your vm while you snap pics on the crackberry so they won't hear the click. That mans bespoke shirt deserved a better shot mo , but you can redeem yourself with some jelly bites

Mouthy Housewife said...

great, I just at breakfast and now it's coming up

Captain Dumbass said...

Good work, Mo. How about a cute girl next time?

Peggy said...

Nice touch with the photo...I was really hoping for the magnifying glass man though...can't you mute your phone while you take pictures?

And where's the jelly biting part of the story?

Peggy said...

AHAHAHA!! You're crazy! I missed that the 1st time.

I need an American equivalent of jelly so I can go on a biting mission too!

Girl Interrupted...I think you've started a revolution!

http://earbuds.popdose.com/ken/Beatles%20-%20Revolution%201%20(Take%2020).mp3

Peggy said...

CHEESE! You are BRILLIANT Mo...

Cheese biting it shall be...if not, you're simply un-American!

blognut said...

I snorted Diet Pepsi right up into my nasal passages. (As though one could snort something into some other place - what am I saying?)

Loved the picture!

cactus petunia said...

Oh, crap. Now I'm gonna have to start examining all my food for tooth marks more carefully before I buy it!

Nej said...

Pubs, restaurants, malls, trains.....what would we do without them?????

Drawing a line on your paper to indicate a break....genius!

Laughing out loud - literally!

Amy said...

This is fascinating, somehow.

I would suggest you need to "trade-up" in your pub choice but where would be the fun in that?

Cora said...

BRILLIANT, MO!!!!

And the Phantom Jelly Biting is HILARIOUS! BRAVO for recording it!! Look what Girl Interrupted has started! Hee hee hee....

Kylie w Warszawie said...

As an "artist", I can tell you that blue and orange are complementary colors. So there is nothing wrong with wearing blue and orange.

& I also am in a pub. & have had a few too many red wines. & am sitting across from one of my Confirmation students' parents.

Oh and "artist" is code for unemployed.

Mr. Condescending said...

excellent jelly biting narrative!

Phat Mama said...

I think my Dad has that same shirt. He drinks a lot too.

I wonder if he took a vacation across the pond and didn't tell me.. so I couldn't go, so he didn't have to pay my way!

Shit!

Kristine said...

Oh man, I would LOVE to go to this bar. Also, the phantom jelly biting is absolutely awesome. I'm going to train my children to do it. I'm to prude myself (germaphobe, true story), but they're young and impressionable.

The Rambler said...

The play by play of you biting the jelly was AWESOME!

Have to agree with some of the other commentors.

Talking to the 'interesting' bar patrons will only bring forth a hilarious post by you.

Mmmmm, wonder what they thought of you?

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

You should wear some sort of costumey thing in there and report live about the way people are staring at you.

Girl Interrupted said...

Hahahahaha ... aw Mo!!!! You're a total superstar!!!! :D Thanks ever so much ... that's made my day!

Ps: How did it feel to be a phantom jelly biter?

Felt good, didn't it ;)

Dr Zibbs said...

I just gave you a shout out on my blog Mo. Thanks for all the comments you leave on my blog.

Beth said...

I want to hang out there for a day. I need to be humored. And I need some beer.

Diane said...

Hey! I have a shirt like that.

OK, not really.

I'm sure I have a few that are worse.

OK, maybe not.

I hope not.

Crap. I'm going to clean out my closet now.

And I'm a little drunk, so that should be fun.

Me, Amplified said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
oh, that jelly biting was hilarious.i took photos of my teeth marks but i couldn't upload them :(

how did it make you feel? (it was good wasn't it). now that there are three of us i vote we get jackets lol

everyone is going to think your crazy because not only did you bite 2 jellies, you walked around narrating to yourself!

Nikki-ann said...

SOunds like a right classy pub! :D

Jeanne said...

Your voice sounds younger than I'd expected. Of course, I'm reaching an age where everyone seems young....

King of New York Hacks said...

Beer and striped shirts...is there any other reason we walk this earth ?

jessica o said...

Oh, Jelly Biter! It's shameful how long it's been since I had a pint of Guiness. I could hear the clanking of glasses and sporadic cackles in the background as you thumbed this message on your Dingleberry (I'll stick with my name for it). I'm thirsty.

Also? GI's story was so great that I almost forgot to browse back to you after reading it. Thanks for sharing!

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

would it be rude and tactless and mean of me to say that's a fugly shirt - rightside or not?

only you could actually make that shirt amusing. without you, it's merely rubbish...now it's almost iconic.

LiLu said...

Um... live blogging might be my new favorite thing. Whenever I'm walking down the street people watching, I wish I could live-blog the evil thoughts in my head.

Fragrant Liar said...

Wow, I felt like I was there with you. In the pub. Watching the crazy guy with the inside-outside shirt.

Not really. But you're probably drunk by now and can't tell if I'm sincere or not.

Jay said...

Pretty stylin!
Glad there was evidence.
Nice live blogging!

diane said...

My god, you're charming!
I did enlarge the picture to see the inside-out shirt, only because you were so adamant about it. I'm drinking beer too, Heineken. But I'm not at a charming pub, and I had a real crap mother's day. I don't know why the days are different in each country, sorry. xo d

Kat said...

Ooooo the things that can be seen in an English pub...they never cease to amaze me.

Gaston Studio said...

Isn't wearing shirts inside out a trend... somewhere, worn by some types?

Maria Roth said...

Okay, I really am laughing out loud at that picture. He sounds like a nice guy, though.

Judging from the jelly packet illustration, I now think you must mean "Jello" (in American-speak) when you say "Jelly." But I'm so baffled when I imagine Jello in a PACKET. WTF?! Jello belongs in a BOWL, not in a PACKET.

Snarky A. said...

Seriously loving the 'Live' post! Freaking fantastic, and pure hilarity!! I want more. MORE!

~E said...

You make number 3 of the top 3 (so far) reasons I should befriend more english people.

Hilarious posts (and not just this one)

(I've read the last 4)

(but didn't want to leave too many comments...wouldn't want you to think I was stalking you)

(unless you like that sort of thing)

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!