Friday, 15 May 2009

Memoirs Of A Rubber Duck (2) and an apology

This week has been crazy, to be honest I've been feeling low, the tiresome rigmarole of a London commute, generally feeling run-down and feeling the need to take out my frustration on any insect that flies by, tempted to swipe morosely at the little buggers...but basically I've also been a bad blogger, please forgive me for not visiting so regularly this week, hopefully next week will be much better. Anyway, today's post is a re-post, but only (as far as I know) Me, Amplified has read the original. It is one of the most random things I've written - from the perspective of a rubber duck of all things, don't ask me where the idea came from, all I know is that the thoughts entered my head around the time of the bird-flu scare...

I write this from a cardboard box destined for a charity shop. The usual crap. Full of rejected items including a tea-stained tablecloth, some old computer speakers, a teach-yourself-Spanish book and a grubby teddy bear. I've not had an easy life, that's for sure. I hope we're going to Oxfam (I'm partial to the adverts).

Few people realise we rubber ducks have a soul, let alone the higher consciousness that we all have. Massive minds trapped in small rubber bodies, you wouldn't believe the strain that puts us under. Sworn to secrecy, those that have spoken out have been swiftly removed. Who by? Well, the Illuminati are the prime suspects. The Pope has made incriminating comments off the record, but publicly the Catholic Church denies everything.

I just can't bare to face another charity shop. The rejection, the under-valuation, the stuffy shop floor full of dust and bustling old ladies, it is all too much for an old duck like me. So I'm speaking out for the rest of us. If you don't hear from me again then you should fear the worst.

A low self-esteem is part and parcel of being a rubber duck. Destined to a life of bathroom (or charity shop) living, with the damp, the mould and the unlawful assembly of tacky bath toys. The things we witness. Some are too disgusting or inappropriate to relate.

Encased in a rubber body, typically isolated from other rubber ducks, our conjugal rights are non-existent. Subjected to viewing the basest scenes and foulest smells that humans can produce. A truly clean bathroom is a rarity. The damp, mould, mildew and ubiquitous pubes give us Monday blues every day, constant colds and chest infections. I knew a duck that died of pneumonia.

Children's bath times are the worst. The chaos, the wee, the clutter. Shampoo in our eyes, splitting headaches caused by the constant screaming, having to put up with low-life plastic bath toys.

Of course, there have been a few pleasant moments. The day I was put in a jug of Pimm's. An alcoholic disaster. The last thing I remember was drifting peacefully into oblivion. I woke up in a net with all the usual bathroom paraphernalia with a pounding migraine. Did I get any aspirin? Yeah right.

Our lives are so full of people, no personal space whatsoever. Oh for an uninterrupted life. Completely unemployable too, it's not as if we have any career prospects. Unless you are a blue rubber duck. They sometimes get to go on mass trips down the Thames. But nothing for a common yellow like myself.

I hope I don't sound contemptuous, I just feel used, downtrodden, destined to a life of misery and 50p price tags. Conventional economics I guess. If this ever makes it into public circulation I just hope something is done. If rubber ducks aren't oppressed, I don't know who is. Estimating conservatively, over one trillion rubber ducks have been produced. Where are they now? Landfill? I've got off relatively lightly.

50 comments:

jpooh said...

Rubber duckies and hamsters...little do we humans realize it, but they are the true dominant species on this planet. You bet the Catholic church is trying to suppress THAT little tidbit of information.

I think they're in cahoots with the dolphins.

Eric said...

If rubber ducks had their own supreme being, I bet it would look like this.

Sassy Britches said...

I do believe I have found a new cause for which to bivouac myself into a tent.

I hope you get back to feeling more like yourself again soon!

Cowguy said...

You've made me want to rescue every thrift shop rubber duck I'll ever see.

Nice writing.

Frogs in my formula said...

Perhaps next time a warning? As a fellow having-a-bluesy-week blogger I was eager for an uplifting rubber duck = bath time euphoria story and alas, I fear I will never look at my kid's rubber duck the same (though the mildew and ubiquitous pubes made me laugh). But still...tragic.

blognut said...

I've gone straight over to depression now - not that it was a long trip for me today, I assure you - but I feel so bad for the duck.

I have so many apologies to make to our rubber ducks, I may need to leave work early and take them all out for an afternoon at the pond. Do you think they'd enjoy that?

Call Me Cate said...

Fantastic post, Mo. Hope you're feeling less like a rubber duck soon.

Gaston Studio said...

So glad you reposted this as I had never read it and it is just brilliant!

btw, notice google ads for Mold Removal and Rubby Ducky Factory; always think some of these ads in trying to 'connect' are a hoot!

My rubber ducky is here to stay!

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

Fucking low-life plastic.

The Jules said...

No career prospects?

Can I direct your attention to the following link: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=432

Now there's a good job.

Maria Roth said...

Seems like I may have read this on AC...or maybe that was Part 1? Poor little duckie. Sing it, Ernie! "Rubber duckie, you're the one. You make bath time lots of fun. Rubber duckie, I'm awfully fond of you..."

Samsmama said...

Geez...even before I read Maria's comment I had that song running through my head. That'll be stuck there ALL DAY.

rubbish said...

Jeez Mo, get a grip. That guy on the train been getting to you? Stop drinking real ale and get on the cider.

Minka said...

Isn't it just so great that things don't actually think and feel? Imagine how horrible some other stories would be... broom and dustpan, rubbish bin, the toilet cleaning brush... ughh!... let alone baby's diapers...

No', I'm not taking this so seriously... just hoping that rubber duck soon meets someone to appreciate it and make it feel better... It? Okay, her... him..... Whatever.

Courtney said...

No conjugal visits?!?!? What an outrage!

Cora said...

I'd never thought of it like that before. Rubber Ducks do witness the very worst things we humans do. *guilt* Now I feel bad for the little fellas.... and yet also a tad embarrassed and annoyed that they've been watching. The pervs.

Shawn said...

That is exactly why I have always promoted freedom for rubber duckies. No rubber duckies have ever been harmed in my home. I'm afraid that I can't say the same for Barbie dolls.

Harmony said...

Of course it's the Illuminati, who else would go through such lengths as rubber duck removal? I guess it's up to the RDLS (Rubber Duck Liberation Society)to bring to light the injustice and secrecy of rubber ducks everywhere.

Oh..and? You are brilliant, love this post. I would have found it...eventually.

Mr. Condescending said...

Mo when you take your bubble bath and get into your feety pajamas tonight, rest assured that the duckies will be ok. I've never seen one that doesn't have a grin on their face.

Nej said...

Save the Ducks!!!!!!

We need television public service announcements. "By donating just $.30 per day, you too can save these poor, under-appreciated creatures."

Every year, Omaha does some sort of event that involves rubber ducks. People pay a certain amount of money to "buy" a rubber duck. Event officials write numbers on their undersides (the ducks, not the officials) and dump them in the river, or a lake...or something. The person who holds the number of the first duck to cross the finish line wins something. I don't know what.

My mom, always the humanitarian, kept her duck. It rides on the dash of her car.

He is one of the lucky ones. :-)

Nej said...

By the way...LOVE this post!!!

Captain Dumbass said...

If our rubber ducky didn't sit in childrens bathwater so often I'd go give it a kiss.

Slyde said...

i'll never look at my rubber duck the same again...

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Laura is entering her rubber duck collection in the county fair next month. She would agree that rubber ducks have souls. She has also written a book called "Ducks Are Not To Be Eaten." In fact, Laura would say that all ducks have souls.

Laura loves ducks, and we can learn a lot from ducks.

Children and ducks are wise and should be heard.

Bambi said...

It was your name that caught my eye on Sass- After reading a few of your posts I am truly sure I have fallen head over heels for your writting, and NO it's not your accent :) I've never thought of a rubber duck in such a way. I plan to buy as many as i can find tonight... just to give them a good home and i vow to keep them from my daughter! cheers

cactus petunia said...

That one's a classic! And I'm pretty sure you're right about the Pope...

Joanie M said...

Rubber Duckie, you're the one,
You make bathtime lots of fun,
Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of you;

(woh woh, bee doh!)

Rubber Duckie, joy of joys,
When I squeeze you, you make noise!
Rubber Duckie, you're my very best friend, it's true!

(doo doo doo doooo, doo doo)

CHORUS:
Every day when I
Make my way to the tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yellow and chubby
(rub-a-dub-a-dubby!)

Rubber Duckie, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber duckie, I'm awfully fond of you.

(repeat chorus)

Rubber Duckie, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber duckie, I'm awfully fond of -
Rubber duckie, I'd like a whole pond of -
Rubber duckie I'm awfully fond of you!

(doo doo, be doo.)

Girl Interrupted said...

When I was still in my old job and had bugger-all to do I spent one glorious morning reading your back catalogue of posts and this was actually one of my favourites.

Sorry you've had a low week, Mo ... hope your weekend is much better and recharges your happy-batteries :)

♥ Braja said...

It's a duck's life. Oh c'mon, quit complainin'....

Sarah Lulu said...

So very clever ...I'm glad you did repost a glass half empty duck.

I wonder if you could re-write it looking only at all the positives? Whatever the duck could be grateful for ...the bubbles the love ..the laughter ..

Hit 40 said...

I have been in a funk too. I am seriously going to paint my way out.

Maybe if you melted the duck with a magnifying glass this weekend...

it might cheer you up!!!

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

now I have to go to a charity shop and buy a rubber ducky and give him a life of luxury and relaxation...perhaps a posh velvet pillow bed.

I feel we should all do whatever we can.

Char said...

I am feeling so remorseful for my lack of appreciation for all the rubber duckies in my life. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

Apologies all around, you guys.
<(sobbing as I type)

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I think we have an outcast duck out in our garage somewhere ... and now I'm feeling badly about that.

diane said...

That was one of the weirdest posts I have ever read, and I'm a big fan of Skywind, so that's saying something.

jessica o said...

Illuminati, low-life plastic bath toys, and a rubber duck that died from pneumonia. L.M.A.O!

But seriously Rubber Duck, you have nothing to complain about. This could be your life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMVD8TcHA5I

Beth said...

Sorry for your rough week. And how noble of you to take up the rubber duckie cause. Hope things start looking up for you. And for the ducks.

kari and kijsa said...

We are off on a rubber duck rescue mission!
kari & kijsa

Audra said...

Quack quack quack, quack. Quack quack. Quacky quack.

If you are truly a rubber duck you will know what I just said.

Pearl said...

I'm never going to look at the little rubber bastards quite the same way now...

Pearl

Fragrant Liar said...

The things you witness. Oh my, my my. The Illuminati have their black hands in everything. And imagine all the enemas they get when the kids load into the bathtub. Eeek.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

somewhere on the interent today I saw a photo of some amazing ducklings.

Great post Mo, so glad you reposted.

Everyone needs a break from being on top of the blog world now and then. Hope you are not beating yourself up.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

This was one I tried to comment on and my iPhone decided that you didn't need my comment.

Yeah, bite me iPhone! I still have a PC!

ANYWAY, I loved this! I love that the Catholic Church is involved in the lives of rubber ducks.

jessica o said...

Isn't the Catholic Church involved in everything?

Gaston Studio said...

Left you something on my post today; drop by and pick it up!

Tooj said...

Even after reading this, I still can't seem to muster any feelings for the plethora of rubber ducks that babies seem to generate. I can't seem to find any part of owning them as useful. I guess now I feel slightly poor for having no compassion.

Vodka Mom said...

i like my duck well done. With a beer on the side.

g said...

Oh, poor rubber duck. And how touching that you were able to identify with one.

Me, Amplified said...

thanks for the almost link! i would have commented earlier but i couldn't for the life of me remember what i said last time so i went to check. well, that comment still holds. how nice for you to have bloomed from 1 comment to 48. so, congratulations, and go give your rubber duck a nice head massage.

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