Monday, 11 May 2009

Something for Girl Interrupted and an unrelated story about morphine

Firstly, an award. Girl Interrupted has introduced us to the fabulous, leisurely and sunlit world of jelly-biting. So, Girl Interrupted, Mr Condescending and myself present you with this shiny new award.


Mr Condescending gets all the credit for the artwork, I'm merely the messenger. Mr Condescending has demanded that I also award it to myself. If anyone hasn't yet noticed my audio-narrative above then press play and pump up the volume, it was recorded entirely for your pleasure.

Secondly, a short story for you. A mate of mine just got back from a few days walking in Scotland. He and his buddies were descending a tricky ridge when one of them fell and dislocated a shoulder. He was in unbearable pain and being an honourable English bloke with a delusional sense of selflessness he implored them to leave him behind.

"Go on with out me," he gasped, writhing about on the ground. "I'll be fine," he winced, "it's nothing, nothing at all."

Of course they weren't having that, so they managed to get him to a hospital. Initially he refused to get into the hospital bed. He didn't want to "make even more work" for the hospital staff. Eventually he complied and while he received treatment the other walkers rambled off to get a bite to eat.

When they returned he was sitting up in bed. The combination of morphine and gas coupled with his situation in a hospital room had played havoc with his mind - with hilarious results. He appeared to believe he had just given birth. His expression was one of ecstatic joy fused with widespread confusion.

"It's a boy!" he exclaimed. It wasn't a gag, for a few priceless moments he genuinely believed he had given birth to a baby boy.

49 comments:

Gaston Studio said...

Biting jelly? And jelly equates to jello in the UK? Since our jellow is boxed in the US, can't bite it but I used to take lighbulbs from the ladies' room... does that count?

The Jules said...

Morphine just makes my neck hot. I'd be a rubbish junkie.

Kristine said...

Haha! Poor guy. Though, another missed opportunity for pictorial representation! You should've had him pose with one of you wrapped in a blanket. You know, for posterity's sake.

Vodka Mom said...

now that was funny.

jelly biting? Is nothing sacred???

Audra said...

Man where can I get those drugs. I think I would have found him a doll or something just to keep the hallucination going.

Scope said...

Man, that must have been one serious poo that he took while he was under the influence.

Harmony said...

Great award, good job Mr. Condescending.

I've been on Morphine before, apparently I relived my whole life while under it's influence...scared the crud out of my family. I wonder what he would have named his baby boy?

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

But what about Adam Lambert?

;-)

Biting jelly? You're silly, too. Silly jelly biter.

Comedy Goddess said...

So jelly biting leads to morphine addiction?

Mr. Condescending said...

Thanks harmony.

Mo, send me a pack of jelly!

Peggy said...

That jelly biting tag is hilarious! I want one! We just don't have it in the good old USA...

Some computer handy reader needs to make a phantom cheese biter (which sounds vaguely dirty) tag and I'm in!

jpooh said...

My first question would have been, "A boy what?"

Hey, if he's going to claim to give birth, he's definitely in a position to define it's species as well as gender.

Cora said...

Ahhhhh Morphine. Yes, I've been its delusional victim once too. Good times.

I had spinal surgery and when I woke up with the Morphine in control of my mind, I actually believed I was standing upright and walking around shopping for furniture in Ikea. The ceiling tile above me looked like a doorway and I was trying to get through the door and couldn't understand why no matter how much I walked towards it I never actually reached it. I was talking to everyone in the room and they kept reminding me I was in a hospital bed NOT in Ikea, but, dammit, I just thought they were COMPLETE IDIOTS!

They still mock me for it to this day. And I still giggle outloud everytime I see Ikea. :-)

Maria Roth said...

Goodness gracious. Make some proper Jello (jelly) at home, and give some to your poor, confused friend! Mold the Jello (jelly) into the shape of a baby boy! Hahaha!

Nej said...

Did he have a name for the new lad?

Eric said...

Nice artwork! And, couldn't go to a more deserving instigator... :)

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Where's a video camera when you need one?

Stacie's Madness said...

roflmao! What did he name him? ;)

Captain Dumbass said...

There's a joke that follows you to your deathbed.

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, wow. Biting jelly? How....bizarre.

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

how do you bite jelly?

is your Brit jelly ... hard?

Slyde said...

i want to hear the audio, but i cant here at work... must make a not and come back when im at home...

Courtney said...

I'm with "Peggy"...phantom cheese biting would be hilarious and down right sick.

ps: I kind of wish someone had caught you jelly biting so we could have heard you attempt to explain what you were doing. ha!

LiLu said...

Maybe he actually did, and that boy became... Hellboy!

It could happen.

C.B. Jones said...

was he holding the bedpan? Please say that he was indeed holding the bedpan.

Tooj said...

That has to be the oddest feeling in the world...feeling like you gave birth, and then not having the little bundle of loudness to show for it.

andy said...

you realize that you've just started a massive outbreak of spit bourne diseases in the world?

you had better watch out for the swine flu police.

or encourage people to spray a bit of disinfectant on the packet before they put it back on the shelf.

but then people would think they were stealing the mini cans of lysol too, so must rethink.

andy

Girl Interrupted said...

Awww!!! Thanks ever so much, guys!!! :D I'm seriously touched!

I shall display my award with pride x

Michelle said...

Monte Python could make a movie about that! LMAO here....oh dear

xx

As for jelly bting...you guys are WEIRD :)

Nikki-ann said...

A little too much morphine and gas maybe? When my Dad was in hospital recovering from a boewl op, he was coming down off the morphine and one night was convinced that the nurses were doing in the patients on the ward one by one. If he hadn't been hooked up to all kinds of things he said he'd have legged it (very slowly!). It was only after talking to a nurse (and us) the next day that he realised it was his mind playing with him!

Samsmama said...

Hysterical! Too bad they didn't have cigars to pass out.

Congrats on you award!

Samsmama said...

"Your". That annoys me.

Anne Marie said...

I'm not a jelly biter
I'm a jelly biters mum
I'm only biting jelly
Coz I can't bite me own bum

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

That's hilarious!

and congrats on the award you jelly biter you!

lizspin said...

i want to officially go on record here that i do not condone the jelly biting. . .

Hit 40 said...

I've done the hospital thing about 4 times - 2 for babies. I am counting them. I never got any morphine?

I have learned to let the tears roll if in pain. The nurses will hop for some drugs. I wonder what I would need to do for morphine?

Dr Zibbs said...

He did that art?

Nice.

Beth said...

I will say that natural childbirth isn't all it is cracked up to be. Morphine would have been sweet!

Sassy Britches said...

I wonder if that's anything like phantom limb syndrome?

The Girl Next Door said...

Awesome jelly biting story PLUS the hysteria of a Man thinking he has given birth. What a great Two-fer day!

The Girl Next Door said...

Awesome jelly biting story PLUS the hysteria of a Man thinking he has given birth. What a great Two-fer day!

Vic said...

Did they at least let him name the baby before they told him the sad news?

The recording is hilarious. You jelly biter.

jessica o said...

Further evidencing that men have NO clue what a woman endures to actually give birth! :) I hope he's okay. No hemorrhoids or sore nipples?

the mama bird diaries said...

What is he naming him?

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Sounds kind of like the state I was in last Friday afternoon. Although, I didn't believe I'd just given birth! : )

bernthis said...

if ONLY men could be the ones to give birth. I would videotape every one of them, then go home and laugh my ass off

♥ Braja said...

OK cool, and what did he name him? :))

The Friday Joker said...

I once read that one of King George III's delusions (during his period of madness) was that he had given birth to a pillow case.

Bambi said...

HA- I wonder, did his ass hurt?

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!