Tuesday, 5 May 2009

The Boob Job

Apologies to Vodka Mom, who has heard this story before, but it always cracks me up so I'll tell it again.

My wife used to work in a nursery that had an almost unnatural attraction to yummy mummies. This was partly due to the nursery's location, and partly due to the fact that yummy mummies tend to hunt in packs. In essence, any mummy that didn't have an astronomical bra size or wear twelve-foot-high heels was the odd one out. When the mummies dropped off or collected their children, boob jobs, tanning shops and beauty parlours were the primary topics of conversation.

On this particular occasion the children were putting on a Christmas performance. By performance I mean the nursery staff were attempting to keep 30 under-twos seated still for five minutes while they were led in song. And of course by song I mean bedlam, the raucous chattering of 30 toddlers drowning out an over-played Christmas jingle.

The performance was ready to begin. The toddlers were "seated" at one end of the room, the parents were waiting with anticipation at the other. A Mercedes convertible pulled up outside. Out stepped a mummy wearing monumental heels and equipped with breasts large enough to cause widespread tidal damage to the south coast. She staggered down the path, as unstable as a newborn giraffe. Her top was so low-cut that there was significant risk of spillage and the crushing of small children.

Anyway, as we all know, babies and toddlers like boobies. Natural instinct, the familiar smell, or maybe just conditioning. Bubba Stoneskin herself will frequently attack the boobies of a strange woman.

The mummy entered the nursery and walked past the children to find a seat. As a group the 30 under-twos experienced a mass cathartic release. Their collective gaze focused on her breasts, their little heads followed her as one.

I'd like to be able to say that what followed was a mass stampede and the mummy was chased out the door by a pack of toddlers, but sadly that didn't happen.

P.S. A couple more awards have come my way. Gaston, gave me the One Lovely Blog award. As I also recieved this a month or so back, and did the honours then, I feel I can be let off the hook. But I'd like to thank Gaston, I really appreciate the award.

Jan of Jan's Sushi Bar has given me a brand new award. If you don't know Jan you should pay her a visit, she is a rarity - both a comedic genius and a culinary wizard. Now apparently "
A Sushi Grade Blog is fresh, lively and of superior quality. It is rare, has character and is of good taste." It requires the nomination of 5 blogs. Visit Jan for the rules, but here are my nominations:

Anna Russel of Incoherent Ramblings. This girl is an absolute genius.

Gwen of Everything I like Causes Cancer. Show me a funnier blog and I'll buy you a pint.
Amy of Bitcin' Wives Club. This blog taught me what "mopping" is...
Eric of Bored Neoclassical Guy. Probably the most unique blog I've come across. Wit plus classics = Eric.
The Gun of Currently Untitled...A change of identity is afoot, but that doesn't take away from this blog's brilliance.

52 comments:

Anna Russell said...

Boobie jokes and an award in one post? Monsieur, you are spoiling us! (and thanks)

Anna Russell said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jpooh said...

Thank you for the boobie visual. I now need to find a good therapist.

Thank you for the lovely compliments! I don't know about "comic genius", but I've got "snark" down really well.

Gaston Studio said...

Well, I had not read this before as I'm still "relatively new" to your site and... LOL, twice!

Congratulations on being a recepient of Jan's special award; I look forward to visiting the sites of those to whom you're passing it along!

Glad I found you!
Jane

Joanie M said...

Anna Nicole Smith once showed up at your daughter's nursery? Amazing!

Eric said...

Yay! Boobies...

Right, thanks for the mention, Mo. I want to spend time thinking up a quaint southern expression to put on an award for which your blog will be the first recipient.

Sass said...

When my son was having a tooth pulled, he had to have some anesthetic, and he became quite loopy.

He put his hand down my shirt before I could realize what was going on, and grabbed my boobies.

Looked at me with a dead serious face and said, "You've got the nicest boobies in the whole wide world."

Yup.

sas said...

You live in Essex then?

Audra said...

Seriously is it really questionable why kids love boobs. Even being equipped with a pair of my own I have to say I find them quite fascinating.

Call Me Cate said...

Wow, guess it wasn't so much the kids putting on the show, huh? Boobs that big frighten me. A lot.

blognut said...

Well... of course everyone likes a nice rack, right? Why should the young be any different than the old?

Mr. Condescending said...

Can someone answer me what the deal is with 24 hour bra? I never understood it.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

"Her top was so low-cut that there was significant risk of spillage and the crushing of small children." Enough visuals here to keep a pack of Betty Boops in my head for an entire cup of coffee. Great writing.

Congrats on the awards!

andy said...

i like boobs.

jealously on my part? perhaps.

hard to have fab tits after nursing three bubbies.

a good bra helps, though.

most days you'd never know that without support they look like tennis balls in a tube sock...sigh.

Captain Dumbass said...

I kept waiting for pictures, dammit!

Comedy Goddess said...

A nice pair will always steal the show.

Kat said...

Do you know how embarrassing it is to warn your very American Dad about page 3 when he unknowingly picked up a copy of the Sun?

Char said...

Were all the kids in the show boys? I am kinda fond of my own...but I HATE BRAS! I only wear them when I absolutely have to and to keep people from asking if I'm glad to see them or is it just cold outside? Just sayin.

Stacie's Madness said...

MY SON is obsessed....starts so early.

Debbie said...

This makes me so happy to live where I do. There aren't enough women like that to keep a nursery school in business.

Girl Interrupted said...

Aww, Bubba Stoneskin! That's so cute!

You should probably try to encourage her out of that habit though ...

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I have witnessed this bedlam known as a "toddler production" and it is, indeed, something to behold. And, for some reason, I thought this kind of preschool only existed in Manhattan and L.A., but apparently I forgot that Posh Spice was formerly one of you island-folk. I may have assumed, at one time, that she left the UK to be with more of her "pack" but now I know better.

Which leaves me, ultimately, wondering if I will find a pack of yummy mummies that will accept me into their ranks when I get there or if I will have to fight my way in! ;-)

Either way: I am SUSHI-GRADE blog (and mommy) material and the bitches will never be able to take that from me! :)))))

Thanks for the award-- I feel so special among all the other smartypants, brilliant, humor genius recipients that I (and I alone!) could teach you something about.... mopping. Suckit, ya'lll!!!!! I know my way around a broomstick, too, in case you were wondering.

Maria Roth said...

My daughter is more interested in boobs than my son is. I expect that will change soon. I do love the term "Yummy Mummy." Out here in Kansas, it's all about MILFs. Or "hot soccer moms."

cactus petunia said...

I'm afraid the visual on that one is gonna stay with me a good long while!

LiLu said...

Who DOESN'T like a nice pair of ta tas? Come on now.

Hit 40 said...

Yummy mommy - Trophy Wife

Same? I would think both stay home with extra help around the house to cook and to clean.

If I get a boob job... can I join them?

Nej said...

Well heck, a walking buffet walks into the room....none of them can help themselves, they have to watch. Probably looking around at each other wondering who "those" belong to. :-)

Jan @ Struck by Serendipity said...

The 2 year olds weren't the only ones eyeing

Harmony said...

I guess they were worn to be seen...and they certainly got a lot of that. I won't lie...I look, I can't help it.

C.B. Jones said...

Don't know about anyone else, but I'm all for the crushing of small children ,caused by boob spillage.

That's exactly how I would like to die.

Currently Untitled said...

excuse me for a moment.

i won! i won! i won! i won! i won! yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay
*grooves along to happy dance music*

ahem

thanks!
and i was beginning to think you had made Bubba stoneskin up.

nice post.

Cora said...

Yeah, I worked in a daycare center where there were a few yummy mummys. What I remember most though is how the school aged boys (about 9 or 10) would gather behind a certain mummy whenever she crouched down to hug her daughter.

Guess even at that tender age, the fellas were mesmerized by the flash of THONG over the waistband of her jeans. *snicker*

Diane said...

I don't mind when tiny ones gravitate toward them... but when they're verbal, articulate, and LOUD...? Yeah. Not so much.

Congrats on the awards!

Fragrant Liar said...

Yeah, when the chichis start doing the chacha, all dem babies get all gaga and gimme gimme. This is why God invented boundaries for us to slam down in front of them.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

COngrats on the awards.

And I would just like to say I had no idea what you meant by "yummy mummies" for the first paragraph. I was picturing some bandage wrapped chocolate candies and really, really wanted some.

Slyde said...

my mind completely shut down after you said "big boobies and 12 foot heels"...

Twenty Four At Heart said...

You used to live in Orange County?

The Girl Next Door said...

HA! I remember when I got my Boobies - I was so afraid of spillage or causing a scene that I totally covered them up and put them in double hammocks! Until one day I realized "What's the point in having them?!" But I try to avoid spillage. That would be bad.

g said...

Whoa!! That kind of thing didn't happen at my son's Montessori school!!

Currently Untitled said...

hey, my post about my award is up, i referenced you a bit so come on over

Kylie w Warszawie said...

So your wife used to work in Poland?

And I'm very glad to know that my kids are not the only ones who attack strange womens' breasts.

The Friday Joker said...

It's good to see that you were keeping abreast of what was going on at Mrs Stoneskin's former workplace.

Gwen said...

I have this image of children running after the boobalicious one like teen girls after The Beatles and I can't stop giggling.


As for the award . . . you, sir, are a peach! I am truly honored. Your compliment made me walk taller and prouder all day, to the chagrin of those who had to listen to me crow about getting an award from you.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Thanks for inspiring the outfit I will now wear to my child's school performance this evening.

Hopefully, I'll be able to steal the show and keep the applause all to myself!

The Jules said...

Newborn giraffe you say? Mmm . . .

Er . . . and boobs, obviously . . .

Tooj said...

I always got such a kick out of my boys....how they'd try and nuzzle whomever was holding them. Hee hee...I'd breastfeed the third (there will NEVER EVER be a third) just to see that happen again, and the sheer mortification on the holder's face.

the mama bird diaries said...

I love how you tell a story. Especially a boob story.

bernthis said...

I'm surprised they didn't all jump on top of her boobs and try to breast feed.

Beth said...

Ah, I love a good boobage story! My poor, poor husband has been so slighted in this category.

I've never thought about it but you are right! Toddlers and kids really do love boobs.

chris hale said...

Isn't it funny that the word 'boob', from being taboo previously, is now freely used? A bit like 'prat' and 'bum', which would never have been heard on The Clitheroe Kid.

Ann's Rants said...

That Bitchin' Wife Amy told me about your "yummy mummy" post.

What a riot.

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