Tuesday, 26 May 2009

The Amorphous Mass of Pink

"Excuse me," she said, bounding up to me like a rabbit on speed, "do you know where the nearest toilet is?"

The band at the Gemini beach bar was rocking away, the sun was beating down, we had finally reached the beach after a maddening 30 minutes dodging Brighton's charity collectors. Out of the blue a large woman clad in a monstrous pink rugby shirt manifested herself. She was high and her body language smacked of a terrible bladder situation. She was discomfort itself.

"Um, I'm not sure," I replied.

To be perfectly honest I didn't even try. She had put one hand on Bubba Stoneskin's pram and was leaning forward uncomfortably. It's hard to think clearly in a world congested to overflowing with charity collectors and frenzied high-as-a-kite ladies in hideously large rugby shirts. Especially pink ones. In moments like these I tend to freeze.

"Please," she pleaded, "just make a guess."

"I think there's one by The Exchange," I suggested.

Hope came over the face of this amorphous mass of pink. She leaned forward, the stench of lager-breath was nauseating. Nothing could have prepared me for the randomness of her reply

"Thanks rabbit," she said, and shuffled off.

Rabbit?

58 comments:

Vodka Mom said...

omg I just laughed out loud.


Was her name ALice?

jpooh said...

Gee, part of me hopes there was a bathroom there. Part of me doesn't.

The larger part, I'm sorry to say.

lizspin said...

What kind of a world do you live in anyway???

Eric said...

Rabbit?? Maybe she picked up on your psychic projection of 'she looks a bit like a rabbit on speed'...

diane said...

Hahaha, you are lucky she didn't stay and swallow you whole.

Samsmama said...

Thank you for the glorious laugh. I'm going to start calling strangers by random animal names.

Have a good day, Emu.

Mr London Street said...

The blogger in me is laughing. The chubby chaser in me thinks you should have shown more compassion.

sas said...

It was either your ears. Or your teeth.

Mr. Condescending said...

Jesus mo that was hilarious. You make me visualize it perfect. "She was discomfort itself" was hilarious. Also such perfect placement of 'manifest.' I'd rather read your posts than go to the cinema.

Oh and wtf is a pram.

Diane said...

Funny... I've always pictured you a rabbit. But I do NOT own a pink rugby. Just sayin'.

Sass said...

Maybe she thought you looked good enough to put in a stew.

Just sayin'.

Amy said...

Rabbit? How odd. I thought she might tip the pram over so I'm relieved Bubba is ok.

You live in an interesting place dude.

Call Me Cate said...

Is this some random term of endearment I'm not familiar with? Like here in the South, they like to call everyone "shug", like "sugar". And it makes me want to punch them in the face.

Next time I am presented with the opportunity, I'm totally gonna call someone a rabbit.

Gwen said...

It's funny to me that she was so desperate that a mere guess satisfied her. hee hee

Captain Dumbass said...

She marked you. Don't go back to Brighton.

Maria Roth said...

Funny story, Rabbit. This makes me think of "The Matrix." :)

Kat said...

I am surprised she didn't turn around and have a large wee stain on the back of her skirt.

Rabbit? Seriously?

Snarky A. said...

Rabbit??

Ha ha, that is hilariously confusing.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I'm kind of hoping there wasn't a bathroom there, Rabbit.

Char said...

Rabbit? Has she been reading your private journal? Maybe there have been rumors around town?

Slyde said...

rabbit?

i'm pretty sure alice in wonderland never got drunk, and i'm fairly certain that if she DID find the bathroom, she wouldnt want to travel down THAT hole..

Cora said...

Rabbit?

Do you have an overbite, Mo? Big ears, perhaps? Were you maybe hopping up and down while talking to her? No?

I can't explain it then. Sorry.

Soda and Candy said...

Aaah! I was fearing for Bubba that she would be crushed under the amorphous mass of pink!

Harmony said...

Rabbit..at least she didn't call you donkey. I don't know how that is any better. But it's what I got right now.

LMAO @ both Vodka Mom and jpooh...hilarious!

C.B. Jones said...

From henceforth, you shall be known only as Mo "Roger Rabbit" Stoneskin.

Mr London Street said...

Maybe you liked her more than you care to admit and were foaming at the mouth. And were too flustered to realise she'd actually said "rabid".

Scope said...

I was going to go with the "Alice in Wonderland" thing, but too many people have done that already, so...

- Maybe she meant to call you "honey bunny" but it got came out "rabbit".

- Dude, she wasn't talking to you. Since you were being as handy as pockets in your uderwear, Harvey gave het proper directions.

Nikki-ann said...

Rabbit?! Hehe. I've heard chick and duck being used in those terms, but never rabbit! :D

andy said...

awww, she thought you were cute.

or perhaps she was going for originality and figured everyone else called you poppet?

andy

p.s. i expect to see the pictures of your massive ears shortly.

blognut said...

You attract this kind of stuff, don't you?

Have a lovely evening, Possum.

Hit 40 said...

Bugs bunny or the easter bunny?? Wow she was high!!

I know what a pram is..... darn it - where are the baby pictures for us!!!!!!!!!

I feel cheated!!!!!!

Babies, kitties!!! They must all be photographed to share.

I will come across that big pond to find the baby!!

Sassy Britches said...

I think I would have suggested that maybe she utilize her amorphous rugby for it's original purpose (a tent) and squat down for a wee. It's not like anyone would see her private bits amongst all that fabric.

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

what? no picture for me to post on Pink Saturday??????

where is your mind?

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

LOL!!! Ha HA! And I thought MY post was random today.....


"Amorphous pink mass" -- I am calling every large person in a dominant color that from now on. :D

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

And when you say "high" do you mean drunk or from a spliff???

I am gleaning all kinds of important subtleties of English life and language from this blog of yours. :)

And as a bonus, check this out: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000NZW3IY/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_dp
I tweeted it and it is in my post, but it bears repeating.... just scroll down to the customer reviews and read the all-american batshit goodness. :D

Frogs in my formula said...

Ever read Confederacy of Dunces? Your description of Rabbit Lady was a dead ringer for Ignatius Reilly.

♥ Braja said...

Rabbit works.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Rabbit? As in sex toy rabbit? LOL

The Jules said...

Which team plays in pink then?

Cowguy said...

I'm using this reply for everyone I see today. lol love it.

Gaston Studio said...

LOL Take a guess?
She might as well have gone in the ocean!

g said...

You have the most amazing stories!! Do you somehow draw people like this to you? Or are you just noticing the amazingly crazy people I never see?

Keep writing - I love it!

the mama bird diaries said...

That's cute. I'm calling you Rabbit from now on.

Jeanne said...

Maybe she thought you WERE a rabbit, due to the alcohol-induced hallucinations....

Debbie said...

What the heck? You gotta love a drunk.

Girl Interrupted said...

Rabbit?

*Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Haha ;)

Stacie's Madness said...

roflmao.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Maybe thought she was Alice, and you were the white rabbit?

Although I don't think Alice would be caught dead in a humongous pink rugby shirt.

Tooj said...

Maybe you were looking cute as a bunny. LOL

bernthis said...

Bunny huh? HOw many kids do you have?

Peggy said...

Jeez...51 comments? Nice job...rabbit.

LiLu said...

Maybe she was hallucinating...

Me, Amplified said...

Bubba is never going to be able to see anything pink without screaming and trying to run away. you could have so much fun with this....

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I AM RABBIT!

But yes, she very well could have been in Wonderland.

And you have a thing for colors.

Nej said...

You waskily wabbit you. :-)

jessica o said...

Poor Alice bit off too much cracker and grew too large for her wee bladder.

The Rambler said...

rabbit?

Holding the bladder until it smacks you silly I guess is always interesting to watch :)

Never fun if your the one getting smacked. By your bladder.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Hey!! That's what I call my daughter. And I don't know why. And no, I'm not drunk...

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!