Friday, 29 May 2009

Don't Joke With Old Ladies

The reason for trooping down Marks & Spencer on a Saturday morning escapes me. Something trivial. Something to do with needing food and baby clothes. Normally I wouldn't be seen dead in any shop at that hell-time.  This particular Marks & Spencer is probably the hottest place on earth. I'd rather go to the Caribbean in a yeti costume.  It is also probably the most over-crowded.  Exhausted and grumpy we headed to the café for a recovery period.
 
In the queue in front of me was an elderly gentleman. He was holding a saucer with a scone and two little tubs of cream and jam.  A little old lady tapped him on the shoulder.
 
"Excuse me," she said, "I think that one is 'display only'". Turned out she had spotted him remove the saucer from the 'display only' section of the buffet table.
 
"It's probably been out for a few hours," she said.
 
"A few weeks more like," I said.
 
She spun round and seized my arm with a deadly pincer-grip. I scribbled down a mental note.
 
Don't joke with old ladies in Marks & Spencer. They may be small and frail but they are very strong.
 
Adorning her hand was so much bling that DJ Talent would have suffered a heart attack. Her nails were long and splattered with chipped varnish, exactly the kind of thing that upsets my delicate sensibilities.
 
"Oooh, cheeky!" she exclaimed and flashed a toothless grin, still gripping my arm.  It was one of those moments that stretched out for eternity, leaving me wondering if I would ever escape her grasp.  It felt like hours but was probably just a few seconds.  I scribbled another mental note.
 
Don't ever joke with old ladies in Marks & Spencer full stop.

51 comments:

Sass said...

Your "delicate sensibilities?"

Did she have that old-lady smell? 'Cause that will REALLY upset the "delicate sensibilities."

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

I loathe the very idea that your delicate sensibilities were assaulted. But, it was fortunate that she didn't assault your delicates, which wouldn't have been sensible at all.

Eric said...

lol@ Tristan's comment...

Woe be unto the person that cuts ahead into the queue.

Scope said...

I was waiting for her to call your "Rabbit," at which point orifices would have:
1) let loose any and all contents held behind them.
2) contracted such that no content would ever pass their gates again.
3) 1+2=3

Kristine said...

This actually sounds terrifying...and much like a recurring nightmare I have. I'm glad you're still alive.

Shana said...

Hmmmm, I hope she didn't leave a permanment mark.
Jelly biter: you are hilarious

Mr London Street said...

Sounds like you were in there Mo. She might have even taken her dentures out for you.

Samsmama said...

"Cheeky"...LOVE it!

Tooj said...

The word queue is mystifying to me. So many vowels for what could be simply the word "q". I don't get it.

And what color was her chipped varnish?

diane said...

And then she laughed manically, causing you to need one of the diapers you had just purchased.

jpooh said...

So...when do you begin therapy? Between the large, pink woman calling you "Rabbit" while she did the pee-pee dance around you and this assault by the little old lady with the chipped nail varnish and no teeth, I'd say you're a prime candidate.

Unless, of course, the alien gifted you with one of those nifty paper hats. You might be safe then.

LMAO @ "I'd rather go to the Caribbean in a yeti costume."

g said...

I think she liked you!

Call Me Cate said...

I'm terrified of old people. I know that's not nice but it's true. Their skin is gray and they have that... eau de mortality.

In your great land, is it by chance a punishable offense for someone to assault your delicate sensibilities? I felt the urge to call in the cops.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

She was totally trying to pick you up.

Audra said...

What is with old people not knowing their strength?

I would pay to see pictures of someone in the Caribbean in a yeti costume

Amy said...

"cheeky" is such an awesome word. Americans should use it. Perhaps I'll start.

Diane said...

You CAN joke with old ladies... just from a reasonable distance.

Oh, and the way you feel about M&S? That's Primark for me. The first (and last) time I ever entered one (in Hammersmith, on a SATURDAY AFTERNOON), I very nearly suffocated and swore I'd do my weekly shopping in WalMart here in Pigsknuckle before I'd ever enter that store again.

And I don't EVER shop in WalMart.

Comedy Goddess said...

At least it was only your arm.

Mr. Condescending said...

She should use that strength to snap her last tooth out. Very funny story mo as usual!

Soda and Candy said...

What is it with little old ladies? Their hands are like steel traps! How can they be so frail and yet so strong?

C.B. Jones said...

Were you able to pinpoint the very moment in which you became scarred for life?

LiLu said...

I'm wearing Eau de Old Lady. How'd you know?

the mama bird diaries said...

"I'd rather go to the Caribbean in a yeti costume." Funny!

blognut said...

You SO could've had that.

:)

Girl Interrupted said...

Sometimes I like to hang out in M&S just to watch all the old dears with more money than sanity

:) have a great weekend, Mo

Vodka Mom said...

don't fuck with the old ladies- I've ALWAYS said that.

Hit 40 said...

I had to look up Mark and Spencers. It looks like maybe an upscale Walmart with clothes, wine, flowers... a little of everything. A big box store?

I watch out for pp at Walmart too :-) Kinda scary. But so cheap!!!

Joanie M said...

Yup. Sounds like a Walmart... right down to the toothless old lady.

Your delicate sensibilities. lol

cactus petunia said...

Mo, you are catnip to the ladies, aren't you?

Cora said...

Well, she was right though. You are cheeky.

This is why we love you, Mo.

jessica o said...

She has creepy, old hag down to an art.

Speaking of teeth... I went Jelly Biting!!! My 8 yo was my accomplice and took pictures. :D

San Diego Momma said...

Oh good God! Did she have a mallet with which to hobble your legs?

Those old ladies are the worst possible kind.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

There are just so many things that cheered me up in this post. I'm not sure what way to go with my comment.

But the idea of you and your delicate sensibilities wearing a yeti outfit in the Carribean being chased by toothless old ladies.....yeah. That's it.

jessica o said...

Okay, I kid you not. My husband and I just watched yesterday's leg of Giro D'Italia and the cyclists were being cheered on by a fan chasing them down in a yeti costume. What are the odds? Unless you were watching this race when you wrote the post yesterday...

♥ Braja said...

I think you'd like a new blog that we heard was comin' up soon...

http://joyceanddorothy.blogspot.com/

Sassy Britches said...

I think that this should translate to not mess with old ladies AT ALL, as they do not know their own strength when it comes to overzealous flirting. One of the old ladies at my church met Pokey for the first time, got so excited, and slapped him across the face right there in the aisle! I think it was meant to be a "love pat," but he was appalled. I couldn't help but laugh, but it was really disturbing!

Comedy Goddess said...

I gave you some awards on my blog! Hope you can stop over to pick them up.

Michel said...

shit dude! Are you just NOW finding this out?!

We could have saved you a lot of angst. Old ladies are scary! They've got nothing left to lose!

I cannot wait until I am one of them!

Captain Dumbass said...

Do you wake up screaming from dreams of her gumming your neck?

The Jules said...

I expect she was trying the old Vulcan knock out grip, only couldn't reach.

Lana said...

the fact that she actually touched you is way worse than all the other gross old lady attributes put together.

Maria Roth said...

Well, you ARE cheeky! She was stating a fact! Nothing to get upset about. (I'll be in Colorado all next week; I'll catch up with you when I get back. Take care!)

Nikki-ann said...

I think she likes you... :D

Me, Amplified said...

shopping trips seem to be the "mo stoneskin' hell.

Harmony said...

Something like that would paralyze me. Suddenly, I would hear the beating of my heart, notice every breath she wheezes in and puffs out. I would take note to how the cells on my skin under her cold clamy hand started to wither and retreat giving up all hope to life seen through. Gray darkening clouds would roll in with threat of rain..and thoughts of "could this be the end" would start to nag at my inner being. I might even involuntarily start to tremble, while beads of sweat produce across my brow.

She let's go, no imminent danger here. Pshh, I SO knew that. But one must always be on their toes and on the look out for such occassion. Any one thing could mean the end of you or me..just so glad to here it wasn't the old gummy lady for you.

Beth said...

Have you been having nightmares? It sounds like a terrifying experience.

LegalMist said...

I've noticed your comments on several blogs I follow lately. You are quite funny. So I stopped in to check out your blog - love it!

LegalMist said...

Hey, I'm your 100th follower! Do I get a prize for that? :D

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Another note for you - don't ever joke around with old Polish ladies.

They also do not take it well.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

She was probably giving you the M & S Death Grip she learned in their inhouse self-defense class.

I miss Marks and Spencer. They used to have them here in Canada, eh, but got rid of them. I loved their underwear. Not pretty, but very practical.

Gwen said...

I bet she was a gypsy. Have you been losing drastic amounts of weight since she touched you?

Also, I think old ladies have such strong hands from milking cows in their younger days.

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!