Monday, 20 April 2009

The Goth-Businessman Hybrid

There is a man a few tables away that has caught my attention. He is a flagrant violation of fashion, a delicate fusion of goth and businessman. Did I say delicate? When I say goth I mean the type of goth that is borderline punk rocker., not that I'm any expert in goth classification. His hair is a bizarre blow dried mop, half bouffant, half lemming, half Boris Johnson. Maybe I should have used thirds.

He is clad in a smart black suit, black shirt and black tie, relaxing in the lethargy of a lunchtime pint, apparently oblivious to the seismic upheaval going on in my mind. Stoical, a vacant face, eyes masked by huge dark sunglasses (you're indoors you idiot), he carries a dignified air but also looks little uncomfortable, probably because his clothes are SO DAMN TIGHT!

A stick insect would have struggled to fit into those trousers, his shirt is so stretched he nearly poked a passing diner in the eye with a nipple, his tie is so thin that a spider would have used it in his web, the knot of his tie is the size of a stunted pea, his shoes are so pointed that a jester would have mocked them.

I'd better stop, he's looking this way suspiciously and appears to be muttering, probably along the lines of I wish that damn knigget with a laptop would stop scrutinising me. He's not one of you guys is he?

47 comments:

Shana said...

Yes, I do believe that almost every Canadian cityname comes from someplace in England. Except maybe Niagara Falls.

The pearl necklace idea is absolutely great. That is one gift that your daughter will think is so special. If I ever get my act together, I am making a quilt out of Marissa's old t-shirt. Planning to cut them up into squares and piece them all together for a quilt. So fabric from a t-shirt from camp and Girl Guides and school will all be laying on her bed eventually. (this is the plan, anyway!!)

As to the lunchtime goth/business man. I laughed at the diner-poking nipple thing. You are funny!! I like funny! Have a good day!!

Eric said...

Paulina Poriskova is not nearby, is she? :)

Call Me Cate said...

Please check in frequently so we know he didn't get you. His name isn't "Buddy" by chance, is it?

I love people watching but I hate it when people know I'm watching them. Happens a lot though because I'm not very stealth.

Minka said...

LOL LOL

One of us? Not me, that's sure....

Shawn said...

See...that's why you need your sunglasses indoors. Then you can totally check him out without worrying that he'll stab you with his nipple or garrotte you with his tie.

Nej said...

Skinny pants, skinny shirt, skinny tie, and sunglasses. I'm seeing Dan Aykroyd from Blues Brothers.

"It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it."

Scope said...

But too be technically accurate, those weren't my nipples sticking out like that, those where my nipple RINGS making my shirt do that.

Harmony said...

I really think your (3) halves made your point...thirds would have just confused us.

You gotta watch out for those Hybrid's, they like to run in groups.

Somehow, this post reminded me of this.

Slyde said...

he's certainlt not one of ME.... i can never figure those guys out..

Diane said...

It was the lemming comparison that did it for me... though I do hate getting poked in the eye with a nipple...

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

We have so many of that "look" here in New Haven...mostly Yale grads who have stuck around and are working at some job that is totally below their skill set - or over.

I always laugh at people with sunglasses on indoors ... just as I laugh at people who wear baseball caps backwards, and then shade their eyes with their hands in the sunlight.

I really think that people should be smarter than their clothes and/or accessories.

andy said...

just so you know, if i could fit my ass into a pair of skinny jeans and look awesome it would totally be my every day uniform.

but there is still no way my nipples would poke someones eye out. i've nursed 3 kids, dude.

Now must google "knigget".

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I'd be very very afraid.

Comedy Goddess said...

Wait, you're not in a bar at lunch time are you?

Exceedingly funny closing line btw.

andy said...

shit, "knigget" is from Monty Python.

my father would be so very ashamed.

to repay my mother country and her many words of weird i will strive to use the word knigget @ least 3 times a day.

if we're doing things in thirds.

blognut said...

Are you sure you weren't looking at your own reflection in a nearby window or something? 'Cause, seriously, I think you just described yourself.

lizspin said...

I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want one of those stickbugs down my pants, so I guess I'd better weat them tighter!!!

Snarky A. said...

Oh, how I love people watching... And, you know, sunglasses indoors really come in handy when you're spying on people. Maybe that is why the Goth-Businessman Hybrid was wearing them? Maybe he was checking you out, and your description is up on his blog right now...

Peggy said...

That's it? You're just gonna leave us hanging like that?

You're the Black Beast of AAAArrrrrrggghhhh!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Be very careful Sounds like he forgot to take hi meds.

bernthis said...

at least the outfit wasn't in hot pink

Kat said...

He was probably muttering about "The Man" keeping him down and other angsty things.

Girl Interrupted said...

Sounds like an Emo to me

My Chemical Romance have so much to answer for!

Anna Russell said...

See, this sort of look is cool when Neil Gaiman gives it to his characters, but in real life, they just look like twats.

the mama bird diaries said...

You are fabulous with the description.

The Girl Next Door said...

Please remind me NOT to read your posts when I'm on conference calls (obviously boring ones and would rather be blogging). It was all i could do not to snort LOUDLY. Hilarious.

I love people watching. But next time? Please snap a photo with the cellie and post. that's a true coupe! But with your verbal skills, I think I totally have the picture anyway.

Captain Dumbass said...

Skinny tie? Maybe he's a time traveler visiting from 1983?

Tooj said...

I just passed a poor boy wearing pants that tight yesterday and wondered....does he HAVE any man parts? I don't possibly see how he's actually a boy, there is no place for his man parts to BE in those pants.

And you should bite your tongue for that "all Americans" haulin' ass comment. Bite your tongue. :)

Mr London Street said...

The only thing worse than a tie knot the size of a peanut a la emo goths is the look popular with Premiership footballers i.e. a tie knot bigger than the wearer's head. Though as many footballers have tiny brains that may not be saying much.

What happened to the good old fashioned four in hand? That's what I want to know.

[He said, dashingly removing his cufflinks.]

Cora said...

I'm with girl Interrupted, next time get a picture of the fool. Hee hee.

But on second thought, you're right - that fellow could have been one of us, couldn't he? ANYONE you meet could be one of us. Mind-boggling, isn't it? I bet there comes a day two bloggers we all know meet without realizing it, have a falling out, and each post searing accounts of each other. Egad! Note to self: be extremely freaking kind to EVERYONE you meet 'cuz you never know who is a fellow blogger.

Think that fella was Dr Zibbs?

Nikki said...

You should have used your spy glasses/camera to take a picture so we could all quietly giggle and cringe at the same time making our day the most perfect day.

Hit 40 said...

Not your type?

Maybe tomorrow you will have better luck.

Jay said...

He thinks he's got it going on!

jpooh said...

Nope, it's not me - if anything, I'm a knigget too.

Now, bring me a shrubbery.

Frogs in my formula said...

What's a knigget?

And Shawn nailed it: sunglasses. They allow for optimum discrete viewing, which is so delicious when the guy next to you is a visual Shmorgasboard.

Fragrant Liar said...

Bet he was watching you while you sized him up, wondering if you were hitting on him.

He must have had Madonna nipples.

Sassy Britches said...

Maybe you should have inquired if he had gas. Tight pants always make that happen to me. Offer the man some Gas-X for God's sake, and you'll be best buds in no time.

cactus petunia said...

Ya gotta watch out for those Goth-Businessman Hybrids...between the excessively tight black suits, and the lunchtime pints, they tend to EXPLODE.

The Rambler said...

I don't get the sunglasses indoors thing either? Why?

Do you think he was staring at you through his glasses wondering about your fabulousness?

That's it, you were blinding him :)

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Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Whew. I'm glad you commented on my blog today or I'd have been worried his alien form had burst out and taken you down after you posted this.

Debbie said...

So funny. I loved your entire description.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

hahahaha, interesting fashion statement, for sure!

Maria Roth said...

Oh CRAP! You spotted me at last! I'll disguise myself better next time.

The Friday Joker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Friday Joker said...

Have you never thought about the business opportunities here?

You could write the 'Spotters Book of Goths', or, better still, the 'Spotter's Book of People on Trains', with a mere 10 points for your common or garden Protocol Violator, 50 or 60 points for something a bit rarer, like a Goth businessman combo, and a full 100 points for spotting the quiet man in the corner with hot coffee all over his white shirt, turning his newspaper at odd angles to prevent others from reading it, and secretly plotting blog articles about his fellow passengers.

Mr. Condescending said...

I wish so much I could have seen that idiot!

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!