Tuesday, 7 April 2009

The Dead Dog

So anyway, I'm just back from the pub. Not drunk, mind you, as you can tell by my customary eloquence, just, well, just marginally merry from a couple of beers and a few hours of meaningless conversation.

The reason I'm shovelling drivel down your throat at 23:53 GMT is that this story warrants it. It happened to my mate's wife's girlfriend. So it's not as if it happened to the cousin of the man who lives next to the girl who walks the dog of the brother of my sister's hairdresser's hamster is it?

So my mate's wife's girlfriend had a dog. It was a large dog. I don't remember the breed but it was well advanced in age and had been slowly dying for the last year. Anyway, the poor thing passed away and this girl arranged to take the dead dog to her vet for disposal. I don't know anything about dog disposal, so I'm just gonna take this at face value. The vet was going to dispose of it, doing whatever vets do with dead dogs.

It being a large corpse, this girl was umming and arring about how to transport it across London to the vet's place. She ruled out using a bin liner, the last thing she wanted was the bag to rip and the dead dog to sprawl out into a busy street. That would not help her aspiring modelling career would it? In the end she opted for a sturdy holdall.

She reached the bottom of a staircase in the underground. A smartly dressed handsome young hunk approached her. "Need a hand with that?" he asked. She willingly obliged. The dog, dead as a dodo, was exceptionally heavy.

Halfway up the stairs the dashing young man turned to her. "My gosh this is heavy," he exclaimed, "what the hell is this?"

She panicked. The truth felt ugly. A pretty young girl dragging the rotting corpse of an old dog through London. "It's my boyfriend's DJ equipment," she lied.

When they reached the top of the stairs the man sprinted away, dragging his "loot" away and (I imagine) calculating the tidy profit he would make from it.

I like to imagine the look on his face as inspected his "loot" in the safety of his apartment. The profound state of dejection of a man who thought he was about to make a swift buck, but instead found himself in possession of a dead dog.

55 comments:

Snarky A. said...

Mo, as usual, drunk or not, you have me laughing out loud in my office. I would LOVE to see his face as he opened his "loot" as well. Serves him right, thieving bastard.

Enjoy your buzz.

Harmony said...

Odd, that is the second wierd dead dog story I have read about this week.

I agree with Snarky A Serves him right, thieving bastard. Sums it up rather nicely...I say.

rubbish said...

Superb.

Diane said...

Aaaaggggghhhh... that's horrible! Ridiculously funny... but horrible! That's when I would have begged a friend for a ride to the vet's. Lordy.

Oh, and the 'helpful' guy? Got exactly what he deserved. Every thief should get similar. Of course, this is coming from the person who is actually contemplating stealing a dog. But he's a live dog. That makes a difference, right?

Joanie M said...

Oh can you imagine the look on his face when he opened that bag!!! Pricelss!!!

dizzblnd said...

I am glad I am at home lmao.. my boss would probably fired me if I had laughed this much when I was supposed to be working.

Karma. it's a bitch! He got what he deserved.

Comedy Goddess said...

In true Mafia style that thug will, no doubt, slip it into the bed of his sworn enemy. Mystery solved.

blognut said...

That is too funny to be untrue.

The thief got exactly what he deserved. Now what do you think he's going to do with the dog?

Sassy Britches said...

I think your mate's wife's girlfriend should have peed her pants laughing at his sorry ass all the way down the street.

And are you waking up in the early AM to repsond? Hmmmm??? I'm sending you "gosh, I need to potty" vibes right now!

Scope said...

I believe when he opened it, bricks were shat.

And then he rang up his theiving mates, had them come over one at a time to check out the DJ equipment he boosted, just to scare the crap out of them, too.

Samsmama said...

That is quite possibly the funniest thing I've read in quite some time. Should happen to every thief!

Cora said...

Okay, now THAT is a beautiful story!! BEAUTIFUL, Mo!! Wow. I love it when people get what they deserve. Ohh, wouldn't you have loved (LOVED) to be a fly on the wall when he opened that thing up?! It brings a tear of justice to my eye.

Beautiful.

Eric said...

So he thought he was going to 'fetch' a few pounds, but got a 'ruff' break?

'Round these parts, we'd kick his @$$ real good.'

C.B. Jones said...

In case anyone was wondering, it takes about 3 days to tune a living dog. Don't ask how I know that.

Girl Interrupted said...

Awwwww :( Poor dog!

I need to go hug my cat now ...

Ps: I love the way you tell a story

PPs: My WV is ouches ... how apt is that?

Michelle said...

That's hilarious!

You can see my pork here MO, if you so desire :)

http://michelle-colourmyworld.blogspot.com

Have a nice day!

Michelle said...

I MEANT WORK!!!

AARRGHHH

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Or maybe he really actually wanted a dead dog because he's into stuff like that? Maybe? It's possible...

Peggy said...

It's karma at it's finest but that's sad for your friend...I'm curious as to how she reacted to the situation...

Hit 40 said...

Very good! I had flashes of trying to get back my dead cat - Mr. Tinkles when I read that post!! Really - you never think what to do ahead of time with the dead pet body. I have a rock out back picked out for the next body to be buried under. A cat - not my hubby.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

That was well worth the read and the visuals that came with it. But I want to know what happened to the hampster.

Captain Dumbass said...

Thank you for taking the time out of your drunken schedule to share than.

The Girl Next Door said...

Laughing so much my stomach hurts. Hoping the Dog got his Decent burial...

Shana said...

Wow, you always have some cool stories!!!

Tooj said...

So...just finding a backyard to bury it in wouldn't have worked? This is another reason NOT to get a dog. I thank you.

Debbie said...

Now that is a truly funny story! Loved it.

the mama bird diaries said...

That guy inadvertently stole a dead dog? That's hilarious.

Vets should really pick up dead animals for you.

Shawn said...

Karma sure came around and slapped that guy in the face didn't it!

Woohoo! Love it!

Minka said...

no comment - I just love it!

Kat said...

That is so awesomely bad! I hope he looks in the bag before it starts stinking...or not...it would serve him right.

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

LOL

I hope he got it all the way into his living room before tearing open the bag.

And I hope he lives with his mum who is having bridge club at the time.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

That is the BEST.STORY.EVER!

Too bad it didn't happen to the guy who mugged me in Ghana. He didn't get any money as it was a diaper bag, but he got away with a bracelet that my husband had given me for Mother's day that year.

Sass said...

If I read this story on anyone else's page, I'd probably not believe it.

But since it's you...I can only say, that is a FABULOUS story.

chris hale said...

Sadly, Mo, there is a way for the thief to make money on this; he could raffle the dog at (say) £5 a ticket. Then, when the winning ticket-holder comes to collect the prize, tell him/her that the animal has sadly died and refund the price of their ticket.

I've never done this, incidentally.

Anna Russell said...

Ha! There is nothing else to say but HA!
Serves him bloody well right.

Call Me Cate said...

Oh my. Yes, something about karma. What's odd is that if the bag WAS full of dj equipment, I probably would've joked that it was a dead body. But since it WAS a dead body, I totally would've said it was something else.

Still, I can't believe that dude stole it. And I hope it wasn't an expensive bag because how would you file a report with the PD about that? "He stole my bag. What was inside? Ummm... nevermind."

jpooh said...

Wonderful! It's enough to make you believe in Karma!

Read your hamster story; I tried to get ours to read, but he apparently decided any reading material was on par with a Sears catalog in an outhouse.

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

That is hilarious!!!

Oh to have had a look at his face when he opened that bag.

bernthis said...

no way? are you kidding me? fucking hiliarous. Oh what I would have given to see his face, priceless

Jeanne said...

Oh my God, that's wonderful! I keep seeing your comments on various blogs I read, and I finally came round for a visit and it was well worth the trip!

Beth said...

Hilarious! And sad, too.

cactus petunia said...

Made the mistake of reading this one out loud to my husband while the pups were in earshot...they're still giving me dirty looks.

Brilliant story!

Stacie's Madness said...

hahahaha, serves him right. that is HILARIOUS!

Nikki-ann said...

Unbelievable! Still, I'd have loved to have seen his face when he opened the bag!

Jason, as himself said...

Serves him right!!! But I feel sorry for your friend who couldn't dispose of her dog correctly.

Hey, thanks for commenting on The Jason Show today! I will see you around. It's always good to have another friend on the other side of the pond.

I'm supposing you found me through blognut?

lizspin said...

Yeah the theiving bastard!!!

Maria Roth said...

Ya gotta be shittin' me! This is too funny! But, um, she DID dispose of the dog.

Phat Mama said...

I had my dog put down last fall.

For $135 bucks, you get them put to sleep and cremated, ashes back to you in a lovely marble.. umm.. container.

Just thought I'd mention that on the subject of large dog disposal.

As for this fucktard.. classic, laughed til I snorted. He got his.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

She was seriously going to lug the large dog corpse in a duffel all the way across town?

Hopefully it wasn't hot out, or the stink alone probably would have cleared her path quite nicely.

I do wonder, what did HE do with it?

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Seriously? This is too funny to be true. Are you suckering me in?

The truth is stranger, and thus funnier, than fiction.

Awesome post.

Nej said...

Would be better yet, if instead of dragging it home, he drug it directly to a pawn shop. :-)

Crystal said...

Wow...I laughed really loud, and then coughed really hard (because I too am sick). What a poor schmuck!

Sandra Essary said...

Funny! As always :)

-- Sandra Essary from AC

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