Thursday, 23 April 2009

Messing with minds is the secret to a happy and successful life

Walking down the platform I spotted my adversary, standing in his usual place. I'm speaking of the protocol violator that chose to sit directly opposite me the other week, ignoring thousands of other free seating areas. Now I know why he did that. Every morning we get on the same carriage and he always sits in the same seat, facing away from the direction of travel and taking a keen interest in anything the commuters around him do. He'll read their papers, scrutinise the covers of their books, watch them tap away on their laptops, gaze lustfully at their mobile phones.

This guy really irritates me, I've seen him every day for the last few weeks, and I've had enough. This morning I decided to get in the next carriage so that I wouldn't have to put up with him, even though it is not in the perfect position for my stop (i.e. when the train stops the doors are not directly aligned with the platform exit). I simply had to take decisive action. Witnessing him daily inflicting misery on his fellow commuters is slowly driving me mad. Proper mad, not Jord mad.

For some reason our train stopped a carriage-length further up the platform than normal. This meant our usual carriage was directly in front of me, and my adversary had to scurry up the platform. A light bulb dinged above my head, a beautiful thought came to me, angelic voices in my head sang songs of unalloyed celebration. I would steal his seat. He deserved it. It would be a crime not to pounce on this perfect opportunity, mess with the mind of this heinous villain and inject some excitement into my monotonous commute. I did have some doubts, it could go horribly wrong, what if he flung his coffee at me in a caffeinated parabola of destruction? Imagine the headlines.

"Train rage strikes again, man douses fellow commuter in coffee".

Ignoring the doubts I stole his seat. He rushed into the seating area seconds later. He looked at me sitting smugly in his seat, blinked and looked again. He had the dejected expression of a child that was expecting a mountain bike for Christmas, but had instead received an extra-large knitted jumper adorned with a reindeer. He wandered reluctantly into the next seating area and sat in the equivalent seat - this guy loves his backward-facing window seat and he found a seat that was as identical to his usual one as possible. I could feel his glare penetrating my skull.

When I got of the train I stole a glance in his direction. I couldn't resist. He glared at me menacingly. A look like that could kill a thousand cats. Tomorrow I'm going to get down the platform early and steal his seat again. The fight is on.

44 comments:

Cowguy said...

Fake vomit dropped in the other choice seat would be nirvana...

Nice write!

jpooh said...

You now need to enlist the help of your fellow commuters, and ALL of you take ALL of the rear-facing window seats.

Yes, I can be an evil bitch.

Eric said...

Way to go, mo! f'er deserved it.
BTW, what's wrong with knitted reindeer jumpsuits? *changing*

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm with jpooh, push him over the edge.

Nikki said...

I say bring on the war. My mom would be all "Now Nikki be nice." and I would have to say "Can it Ma!"

I say tomorrow take his seat and pore coffee in the other one.

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

That's hilarious. I need you to help me exact revenge on my mother-in-law.

Anna Russell said...

Move to Texas. Then you can just shoot people who do this.

Snarky A. said...

Well played, Mo. Well played.

Courtney said...

"Jord mad" now that's funny!

I bet your seat stealing threw his whole day off.

Cora said...

YEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!

I'm loving this! You MUST let us know what happens! Hee hee hee....

blognut said...

I feel a kinda sorry for the poor little fella', now his whole day is a mess.

Plus, I'm a little worried for you because he may show up tomorrow with a plan to harm you.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

One, I agree you should foorma secret league and all start messing with him.

Two, I loved, loved, loved this phrase, "He had the dejected expression of a child that was expecting a mountain bike for Christmas, but had instead received an extra-large knitted jumper adorned with a reindeer."

Diane said...

You're rather a spitefull fellow, aren't you, Mo, love?

PS... when your birthday gift arrives, just write 'return to sender' on the package. I'll go mountain bike shopping tomorrow.

andy said...

my nan used to knit me sweaters ALL the time when i was younger.

they were awesomely mismatched, yet kind of cool @ the same time.

no reindeer though...shame.

plus, i agree with blognut...make sure to carry along your mace. hard to get here, so i just have bear repellant. pretty sure it works the same.

although i bet if i sweet talked some officers here @ the jail i could score some of the good stuff.

keep your eyes in the back of your head wide open, dude. i would hate to read about "man gets pushed under carriage on train platform...film @ eleven".

for shiz.

Shawn said...

Oh yeah, you totally have to get there first.

Hmm..I wonder if this is going to lead to him getting there earlier, and then you getting even earlier, until one of you is practically spending the night on the platform just to be sure to get the seat.

I see medication in the future.

Call Me Cate said...

You fight really dirty. I like it!

chris hale said...

Perhaps you should engage him in conversation, thus:

Hello. Will you be my friend? I haven't got any friends. I had one once, but then I had to put him under the ground. They made me do it.'No, I haven't tried this before.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Oh my.

What if the poor fellow is lonely and in need of connection, has a wee disorder that compels him to sit in the same seat, and is simply very socially awkward due to lack of human contact as an infant?

What if you smiled at him? WWSDM do? (What would San Diego Momma do?)

I emailed San Diego Momma after her post yesterday and told her that like her, I smile at people too, and that while I get a billion smiles in return, one day I'll probably wind up with my head in the freezer of some smiling psychopath.

But still.

Harmony said...

"Proper mad, not Jord mad." ~ I love that, and I am stealing it.

So, my question about this guy is...does he try to start up conversation with anyone or does he just simply watch and mimic? I ask because, I find it very odd that he would cross all sorts of personal boundaries without wanting to know the person next to him. Yes, he seems very creepy.

Can you just imagine what your seat stealing has done to him..I bet all day he thinks "Did he really take my seat? Of course he MUST know that I sit in that seat all the time, so why would he take the seat? The seat in which I sit every morning. No, no he didn't know...except I know that he does!" I bet a prompt phone call home to his mom was made, so she could help sort out his emotions...poor guy. ; )

C.B. Jones said...

Did you ever know...That you're my hero?

Mr London Street said...

Facing away from the direction of travel? That's just not right.

Comedy Goddess said...

You are an attorney aren't you?

Kat said...

Passive aggressive commuters of the world unite!

Samsmama said...

That's just brilliant! I bet his entire day was off. And if he has a blog, I would KILL to read it!

Girl Interrupted said...

Hahaha @ Jord mad!!!

Good for you Mo! I've commuted and I know his type. I will be there on that platform with you (well in spirit ... in reality I'll still be in bed) rooting for you to put one over on the annoying buttmunch

Peggy said...

Nice move Mo! Although a rear facing seat would my last choice on the train...always made me sick.

I have so many train stories...you really get to know people's routines and stuff without ever knowing them...really funny!

kapgaf said...

Oh how I miss the understated hatred of fellow passengers on British transport. The game is definitely on and it certainly isn't cricket. No Queensbury rules here. I'm not taking sides, this is a fight to the death (or the next train strike). Just a word of warning : look out for sneak attacks if there's a non-station stop, that's definitely game over, especially if the train moves on before you've had a chance to climb back in .....

Hit 40 said...

I thought a man that I teach with was stalking me. He lives a few streets over. He would pull out with his car every morning right behind me to follow. I would shake him every morning.

It was freaking me out!!! WTF!! Oh... I should post this because it is funny!!

Oh ok I will just tell you.... he wanted to know how the hell I beat him to work everyday by like 10 minutes. I told him my shortcuts. I wish he would have just asked to begin with.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Oh you boys. It never changes, even as you get older...

Sassy Britches said...

To make it extremely well-played, you must give him a Doc-Holiday-at-the-O.K.-Corral-type of wink. Now THAT I would pay to see.

Joanie M said...

Oh you are a brat, Mo! I like it! I like it!

The Mister said...

Reminds me of the bit where Arthur sits across from the gentleman at the station and maliciously polishes off his crisps only to find that he had been eating the other bloke's snack.

Comedy Goddess said...

Even if you are, I still like you.

Soda and Candy said...

You sir, are a genius.

I tip my hat to you.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Damn good work!!

I say take some $$ out of the bank, hire some flunkies to go on with you, and have them take up all this freak's favoured seats. Then watch him.

the mama bird diaries said...

Please don't let him attack you.

Currently Untitled said...

haha i love that you now need to clarify between proper mad and jord mad. it's a shame you couldn't be Jord mad cos then you could smack him over the head with a pogo stick.

i personally use long term plans of revenge. you should take his seat one day a week for about 7 weeks and then, on the 8th week, take it on a different day! he will be so paranoid!

Nikki-ann said...

LOL Brilliant! I must admit though I have to sit in exactly the same seat every morning too.... but that's only because I have to drive to work! :D

Scope said...

Commuters are such creatures of habit. I used to ride a long distance commuter train, and would get pissed if someone was in "my seat." (My manager is so bad, having her seat taken ruins her day.)

Instead of the seat war, I suggest doing the more infernal and totally against the rules thing: talk at him.

Not "talk to him" like you are actually engaging in conversation, but make general comments to him that are mindless and insipid. Make him choose. His seat, or quiet.

Yeah, I'm evil.

Oh, and pinching one off while sitting next to him would be perfect. "Jostled a little one out of me there, old boy. Sorry 'bout that."

Nej said...

I love it!!!!! It's something I would do....and I just love that!

The Rambler said...

OMG.

Your genius!

Maria Roth said...

This could end badly...Make sure your crotch is protected by some sort of shield that deflects scalding-hot coffee!

Tooj said...

You are impossibly evil and I love it.

Mr. Condescending said...

that guy sounds like a serial loser

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!