Wednesday, 29 April 2009

My Dignity Was Traumatised

Monday morning was all going swimmingly. Not that I was swimming, or even particularly enjoying work - it was completely crazy that morning - but I was busy and fully occupied, and on a Monday that's a good thing.

And then I needed a wee, and my zip jammed. Not a problem, I thought. In these situations you can always "go over the top".

30 minutes later the zipper completely died. A humdinger of a crisis. I did what any man would have done. I rummaged around in my drawer to find some paper-clips and attempted to rectify the situation. My attempts were futile, I'd have had more chance of crossing the Atlantic in a paper cup than of successfully fastening my flies with some paper-clips.

I decided to hold out until lunch, then I could nip out and buy some safety pins. Tell you what, it's torture to have to walk round a busy open-plan office knowing that you're flying low. I reasoned that by walking really fast, no-one would get a chance to notice. I also found by walking while barely moving my legs I could just about hold my flies together by sheer will power. It completely spoilt my walk. I was basically shuffling around at high speed, almost gliding.

Over lunch I bought a pack of safety pins. For the rest of the day my dignity was preserved entirely by two expertly-fastened safety pins. My Dignity, on the other hand, felt traumatised by their proximity. Especially when I had to run for a train.

46 comments:

Joanie M said...

I'm glad to see no one took notice of your problem and you were able to fix it. I hope today goes better for you!

Kat said...

Just be glad that your willy decided not to make a surprise appearance through the open fly. Now that could lead to quite an awkward office moment.

Minka said...

LOL, Mo, you try so hard to hide it and you write a post about it!

Courtney said...

Um...Hopefully there wasn't a fella at the urinal next to you witnessing you "go over the top".

Scope said...

Isn't there some kind of emergency haberdashery you could have run to for repairs over lunch?

Or have backed up the safety pins with gaffer's tape?

jpooh said...

You really need to post your picture so I can get a complete visual on this one.

Cowguy said...

LOL On the way to a party last weekend with my wife I noticed a huge hole in my pants beside my zipper. She kept having people ask me about it all night... just for entertainment.

I feel your pain and embarrassment Mo

lizspin said...

Thank the Good Lord for your quick-thinking emergency response system.

The men I work with would have just untucked their shirts . . .

Anna Russell said...

If those safety pins pop, there will be pain...

Comedy Goddess said...

I'm still working through the visual of a guy going over the top. Either you wear low riders or...I am impressed!

Samsmama said...

"Almost gliding"...what an excellent visual image!

Harmony said...

I laughed so hard at your reasoning to walk very fast, the mental image it brought on was fabulous...thanks for that. And your nonchalant "over the top"...gold!

At least no one noticed, I'd say that deserves a pat on the back.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I wish I'd seen that walk to the train. Sort of.

Diane said...

OMG... thank you. I SO needed a laugh this morning and this one had me going, right from "I needed a wee and my zipper jammed." The mental pictures were priceless. And the fact that you say 'flies' (as opposed to our 'fly') made me crack up. Well done, you!

Nikki said...

What you needed was someone to walk around with you holding your fly shut for you. It wouldn't have even looked awkward if you enlisted a female to do this for you. Just saying.

andy said...

i've never heard anyone use the nickname "dignity" before.

very chique.

plus now i'm laughing my ass off with the mental image of you glide speed walking around your office.

you seriously can't do that to me @ work.

although they already steer clear of me most days wondering which andy will receive them.

whatever.

mofo's.

i am so very special.

Girl Interrupted said...

It's only noticeable if you're wearing brightly coloured underpants ... which I can only assume you were

That'll teach you to buy red polka dot y-fronts!

Staples are always good for that kind of crisis, you just need to be very, very careful when using the staple gun.

Eric said...

At least you were aware the aircraft carrier was in danger of leaving the harbor... Always bad if the fly is down by accident and you don't realize.

Nej said...

The "proximity" would have been too much for many men to handle. :-)

Gwen Gwen Banana Fo Fen said...

At least you know where your dignity is; I lost mine years ago.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I'm trying to not think too much about your using the Atlantc ocean as a metaphor for your groin.

sas said...

Everyone noticed.

They now call you Farmer Giles (forgot to shut the gate on the livestock).

Stacie's Madness said...

you poor thing!

Call Me Cate said...

I'd be afraid of the proximity issue as well. When I opened this post, I was sure I would find a story about another spilled coffee. Not sure if this is better or worse for you. Better for me - I was quite entertained. But only because you avoided detection.

cactus petunia said...

Staples, Mo. Staples.

Cora said...

Safety pins?!?! My you live dangerously, don't you, Mo?! I'm impressed.

Nikki-ann said...

LOL. I remember going to a concert (Robbie Williams) in Manchester and right before the start the button popped off my trousers... I spent most of the concert hoping they wouldn't fall down while I was in the middle of 12,000 people!

Hit 40 said...

I have had a bad stain on my slacks.... I stapled it over to hide. No one noticed. Could be because I am a nerdy math teacher. Or... no one really cares.

I am not suggesting walking around with your fly open. But... you do like to mess with the train man. I would bet no one says a word to you.

Game on tomorrow?? I would bet no one on the train mentions your open fly. Maybe... some one at work? Time it for us.

Michelle said...

Yeah, and staples don't quite cut the mustard either :)

blognut said...

Mo, I've been elected the one to tell you that everyone in your open plan office noticed the problem. Everyone.

Sorry. It was all over Twitter, but we speaking in code.

The Rambler said...

So basically your saying you've played with your wee wee all day?

(giggle).

Audra said...

I have been there done that only mine happened when I was 12 and wearing a skirt that's entire side was a zipper. Thank god I was wearing a bikini underneath considering the entire skirt fell off.

Sassy Britches said...

if you had a man-purse, like Scope, you could sling it around front, and no one would ever know. Either that or just wear a skirt...much simpler.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Pretty darn traumatizing, if you ask me! I bet you no one noticed you at all, gliding along like that...

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Oh, and by the way, must be nice to be able to "go over the top". What would you do if you were a woman, I ask?

Jason, as himself said...

At least you realized it. I probably would have gone the whole day unaware.

Jay said...

Oof, my dear, that's quite the predicament. I am glad you survived.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I think you could rectify your train situation right there.

And I've figured out how to comment from my iphone now.

Shana said...

"going over the top"? Never heard that one before!!
Glad the safety pins saved the day!

g said...

I need to remember to visit you first thing in the morning for my daily laugh. It's the best way to start a day!

Mr. Condescending said...

hurts just thinking of what could happen with that!

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I got a great laugh imagining you gliding around your office without moving your legs. And you should see what else you can hold together with sheer force of will... you could be like some sort of Office X-Man or something! ;-)

Scope said...

While you were shuffling around the office, did you turn into "Sparky, The Lightening Boy" dispensing a static electrical jolt of justice onto evil doers?

Maria Roth said...

So THAT's why you were shuffling around with your legs pressed together...

Tooj said...

And to think that children now adays are purposely allowing their waist to hang below all fly regions and booty cheeks.

Char said...

Well now, I have a whole new mental image of "over the top". Maybe you could have just left it over the top and pulled your shirt down over it! But then, you could've been in worse trouble if you happened to pop a shirt button. Good to hear you didn't get speared with a safety pin!

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!