Thursday, 9 April 2009

The Suicide Pact

I'm sitting in a service station somewhere in the Midlands, guzzling Dr Pepper and coffee in a what can only be a suicide pact. If you read about a man whose bladder burst while driving up the M1 you know where to send the flowers.

My emotions are mixed. On the one hand the traffic is horrendous, I'm fighting an awful cold, and my car overheated on the M25. On the other hand, my mind is filled with delight and sweet aromas. Once again natural justice is following me wherever I go.

I was in the fast lane, travelling fast. Not too fast, mind, I was just within the limit. The car behind me was really irritating me. I could not go any faster, the car in front of me would not permit it, yet this lunatic was right up my backside. It is entirely possible that the driver was literally brainless, that a zombie had sucked it out through a straw while she was asleep last night. Or maybe she slipped on the kitchen floor this morning, jamming a teaspoon through her skull and into her brain. I'm not being nasty, I think I did see the glint of a teaspoon handle in my rear view mirror. One thing is certain, to drive that recklessly something was clearly wrong with her brain.

Anyway, she was pushing right up behind me so I gave in and her past, deciding to focus my anger on the zombie, or the teaspoon.

Out of nowhere a huge piece of tarpaulin hit her car and wrapped itself round one of her wing mirrors. Fortunately she kept control of the car, but I watched her pull over onto the hard shoulder to remove the tarpaulin.

Ah, the sweet joy of natural justice.

43 comments:

Eric said...

... says the man who threw the tarp out the window as he moved his car over...

lol - can relate

San Diego Momma said...

Wait a minute. I'm still confused as to where to send the flowers. Just anywhere on the M1? Can you be more specific? Maybe give us a cross road or landmark? Or tarp coordinates?

Slyde said...

nice job. with MY temper, i would have done all in my power to keep her behind me, then iwould have gotten the debris in through my windshield..

blognut said...

Damn you! I KNEW that was you driving alone like an old man with no particular destination in mind! I KNEW it!

And the tarp did no damage at all to my side mirror and didn't bother me a bit. Natural justice? Pfffft! I don't think so.

When your bladder bursts, then we'll have our natural justice!

Anna Russell said...

Did you pee yourself when you saw the tarpauling hit and laughed at her? You did, didn't you?

Nikki-ann said...

Brilliant! There's one or two drivers who do that on these country roads in Mid Wales and the places where they try over-taking are unbelievable.

Nej said...

I was driving through town earlier this week. Along the way, some woman threw her cigarette butt out her car window. It landed and firmly rooted itself under/against my windshield wiper.

At the next light, I pulled up and spit my gum out the window...where it promptly stuck to the side of her car.

A girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do. :-)

jpooh said...

Oh, admit it - you threw the tarp out the window just before she started to pass.

I would have.

Sassy Britches said...

It was all that focus on the teaspoon; you made it happen. But maybe your mental magic abilities need a spell check--tarpaulin and teaspoon are two quite different things!

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

whenever I have somebody trying to drive up my butt on the highway, I slow down to about 35mph.

They usually get the hint and back off.

And I get to use my bwahahahaha voice.

Harmony said...

The will of hate can be pretty powerful...eh?

Girl Interrupted said...

Pft! Women drivers, eh!

Sorry to hear you have the man-flu ... hope you're feeling all tickety-boo again soon

cactus petunia said...

Karma is a wonderful thing, isn't it? If I were you, I'd lay off the Dr. Pepper, though...I've heard it causes hallucinations when combined with coffee.

Mama Dawg said...

Question is, who conjured up the tarp?

Peggy said...

What the hell is a tarpaulin...is that something British? Sounds like a fish.

Hit 40 said...

I learned my lesson in the fall. If someone is following close, just let them pass or pull off to force them to pass (which I should have done) The idiot rear ended me. I owed nothing - obviously his fault. But the time involved for the repair work is just BS. Thank heavens I was not hurt.

The Mister said...

I can't tell you the joy experience when someone gets around me when I'm towing the trailer and immediately gets pulled over.
Pretty. Frickin. Sweet.

Call Me Cate said...

Dr Pepper and coffee is a horrid combination. How about Dr Pepper and combos? Or coffee and crumpets? Or tarps and idiots?

Something. I'm too fried to think of an intelligent comment. Just know that I read this.

C.B. Jones said...

Natural justice, karma, voodoo...Whatever you call it, it's a beautiful thing.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Well, when the woman yelled at me today for my husband's poor parking job, I just really wanted to slash her tires or hit her in the face with the battery charger - I have no patience waiting for natural justice.

And it sounds like the woman behind you was from Poland. Seriously. Most of them drive right up on your rear here even when you cannot go any faster...

And now I have to refrain from Pole bashing. 'Cause I'm in that kind of mood.

Samsmama said...

Karma is a beautiful thing. Ok, I'm off to google "tarpaulin".

Minka said...

Does all that really happen to you? :) I'm afraid natural justice will go to far one day. Take care!

Cora said...

I love when things like that happen!!

Hope you're feeling better soon.

The Rambler said...

A good morning indeed when karma pays and visits AND lets you watch :)

Michelle said...

I hate it when people drive up my backside! I too, slow right down....it usually works and if not at least it annoys the crap out of them.

I would liked to have seen that.

Stacie's Madness said...

seriously karma it's a bitch.

rubbish said...

Now, if it had been a Terrapin that would have been funny.

Vodka Mom said...

oh sweet jesus. justice is a merciful goddess.......

Comedy Goddess said...

Good thing you got out of the way, or it would have been your wing mirror with that tarpaulin. I always tell people what a gentleman you are!

The Girl Next Door said...

oh Karma baby. KARMA! Love it.

Frogs in my formula said...

Ah, poetic justice. But Dr pepper and coffee? Good god, man.

the mama bird diaries said...

Natural justice? I'm not convinced. How did you orchestrate that?

Joanie M said...

karma. Gotta love it.

Sarah Lulu said...

I love it when God steps right in like that.

Tooj said...

I WISH something like this would happen to the idiots who follow me inside the trunk of my car while I cannot go any faster due to the idiot driving slowly in front of me!!!! I'm happy it happened to you, though. Happy Friday.

g said...

Karma, perhaps? Or you happened to have that tarp in your car?

On our winding mountain road we often observe jerks tailgating other drivers - sometimes I swear they are less than a car-length behind someone. It almost looks like the lead car is towing them, they're so close.

Why? when its a 2-lane road and they're behind the 12th person in line? Plus there's the added frisson of corkscrew curves with a sheer drop hundred of feet below to the creek.

I've always wanted to have an illuminated reader board on my back window, so I could type in "Get off my ass!!!" at the other car.

Diane said...

Added to my list of things NOT to do to/near Mo...

#482... tailgate on the M1

Maria Roth said...

Ha! I hope she gets the teaspoon removed from her brain soon.

:) Happy Easter!

bernthis said...

oh God, what sweet justice. I always wish when I'm dealing with some asshole driver that a cop pulls him/her over. I'm literally jealous

Jason, as himself said...

The sweet joy of natural justice. Suh-weet.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Kharma is a B*TCH! At least...that's what I've heard! :)

Vodka Mom said...

happy Easter dude.

Morag Mortimer-Smythe said...

Well that's the last time I help you out...I lost me bloody tarp!!

As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read this post!