So anyway, I'm just back from the pub. Not drunk, mind you, as you can tell by my customary eloquence, just, well, just marginally merry from a couple of beers and a few hours of meaningless conversation.
The reason I'm shovelling drivel down your throat at 23:53 GMT is that this story warrants it. It happened to my mate's wife's girlfriend. So it's not as if it happened to the cousin of the man who lives next to the girl who walks the dog of the brother of my sister's hairdresser's hamster is it?
So my mate's wife's girlfriend had a dog. It was a large dog. I don't remember the breed but it was well advanced in age and had been slowly dying for the last year. Anyway, the poor thing passed away and this girl arranged to take the dead dog to her vet for disposal. I don't know anything about dog disposal, so I'm just gonna take this at face value. The vet was going to dispose of it, doing whatever vets do with dead dogs.
It being a large corpse, this girl was umming and arring about how to transport it across London to the vet's place. She ruled out using a bin liner, the last thing she wanted was the bag to rip and the dead dog to sprawl out into a busy street. That would not help her aspiring modelling career would it? In the end she opted for a sturdy holdall.
She reached the bottom of a staircase in the underground. A smartly dressed handsome young hunk approached her. "Need a hand with that?" he asked. She willingly obliged. The dog, dead as a dodo, was exceptionally heavy.
Halfway up the stairs the dashing young man turned to her. "My gosh this is heavy," he exclaimed, "what the hell is this?"
She panicked. The truth felt ugly. A pretty young girl dragging the rotting corpse of an old dog through London. "It's my boyfriend's DJ equipment," she lied.
When they reached the top of the stairs the man sprinted away, dragging his "loot" away and (I imagine) calculating the tidy profit he would make from it.
I like to imagine the look on his face as inspected his "loot" in the safety of his apartment. The profound state of dejection of a man who thought he was about to make a swift buck, but instead found himself in possession of a dead dog.
Tuesday 7 April 2009
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As I have quite a few new readers since I became a "Jelly Biter" I've put this up here again. To understand the context you must read
this post!
52 comments:
Mo, as usual, drunk or not, you have me laughing out loud in my office. I would LOVE to see his face as he opened his "loot" as well. Serves him right, thieving bastard.
Enjoy your buzz.
Odd, that is the second wierd dead dog story I have read about this week.
I agree with Snarky A Serves him right, thieving bastard. Sums it up rather nicely...I say.
Superb.
Aaaaggggghhhh... that's horrible! Ridiculously funny... but horrible! That's when I would have begged a friend for a ride to the vet's. Lordy.
Oh, and the 'helpful' guy? Got exactly what he deserved. Every thief should get similar. Of course, this is coming from the person who is actually contemplating stealing a dog. But he's a live dog. That makes a difference, right?
Oh can you imagine the look on his face when he opened that bag!!! Pricelss!!!
I am glad I am at home lmao.. my boss would probably fired me if I had laughed this much when I was supposed to be working.
Karma. it's a bitch! He got what he deserved.
In true Mafia style that thug will, no doubt, slip it into the bed of his sworn enemy. Mystery solved.
That is too funny to be untrue.
The thief got exactly what he deserved. Now what do you think he's going to do with the dog?
I think your mate's wife's girlfriend should have peed her pants laughing at his sorry ass all the way down the street.
And are you waking up in the early AM to repsond? Hmmmm??? I'm sending you "gosh, I need to potty" vibes right now!
I believe when he opened it, bricks were shat.
And then he rang up his theiving mates, had them come over one at a time to check out the DJ equipment he boosted, just to scare the crap out of them, too.
That is quite possibly the funniest thing I've read in quite some time. Should happen to every thief!
Okay, now THAT is a beautiful story!! BEAUTIFUL, Mo!! Wow. I love it when people get what they deserve. Ohh, wouldn't you have loved (LOVED) to be a fly on the wall when he opened that thing up?! It brings a tear of justice to my eye.
Beautiful.
So he thought he was going to 'fetch' a few pounds, but got a 'ruff' break?
'Round these parts, we'd kick his @$$ real good.'
In case anyone was wondering, it takes about 3 days to tune a living dog. Don't ask how I know that.
Awwwww :( Poor dog!
I need to go hug my cat now ...
Ps: I love the way you tell a story
PPs: My WV is ouches ... how apt is that?
That's hilarious!
You can see my pork here MO, if you so desire :)
http://michelle-colourmyworld.blogspot.com
Have a nice day!
I MEANT WORK!!!
AARRGHHH
Or maybe he really actually wanted a dead dog because he's into stuff like that? Maybe? It's possible...
It's karma at it's finest but that's sad for your friend...I'm curious as to how she reacted to the situation...
Very good! I had flashes of trying to get back my dead cat - Mr. Tinkles when I read that post!! Really - you never think what to do ahead of time with the dead pet body. I have a rock out back picked out for the next body to be buried under. A cat - not my hubby.
That was well worth the read and the visuals that came with it. But I want to know what happened to the hampster.
Thank you for taking the time out of your drunken schedule to share than.
Laughing so much my stomach hurts. Hoping the Dog got his Decent burial...
Wow, you always have some cool stories!!!
So...just finding a backyard to bury it in wouldn't have worked? This is another reason NOT to get a dog. I thank you.
Now that is a truly funny story! Loved it.
That guy inadvertently stole a dead dog? That's hilarious.
Vets should really pick up dead animals for you.
Karma sure came around and slapped that guy in the face didn't it!
Woohoo! Love it!
no comment - I just love it!
That is so awesomely bad! I hope he looks in the bag before it starts stinking...or not...it would serve him right.
LOL
I hope he got it all the way into his living room before tearing open the bag.
And I hope he lives with his mum who is having bridge club at the time.
That is the BEST.STORY.EVER!
Too bad it didn't happen to the guy who mugged me in Ghana. He didn't get any money as it was a diaper bag, but he got away with a bracelet that my husband had given me for Mother's day that year.
If I read this story on anyone else's page, I'd probably not believe it.
But since it's you...I can only say, that is a FABULOUS story.
Sadly, Mo, there is a way for the thief to make money on this; he could raffle the dog at (say) £5 a ticket. Then, when the winning ticket-holder comes to collect the prize, tell him/her that the animal has sadly died and refund the price of their ticket.
I've never done this, incidentally.
Ha! There is nothing else to say but HA!
Serves him bloody well right.
Oh my. Yes, something about karma. What's odd is that if the bag WAS full of dj equipment, I probably would've joked that it was a dead body. But since it WAS a dead body, I totally would've said it was something else.
Still, I can't believe that dude stole it. And I hope it wasn't an expensive bag because how would you file a report with the PD about that? "He stole my bag. What was inside? Ummm... nevermind."
Wonderful! It's enough to make you believe in Karma!
Read your hamster story; I tried to get ours to read, but he apparently decided any reading material was on par with a Sears catalog in an outhouse.
That is hilarious!!!
Oh to have had a look at his face when he opened that bag.
no way? are you kidding me? fucking hiliarous. Oh what I would have given to see his face, priceless
Oh my God, that's wonderful! I keep seeing your comments on various blogs I read, and I finally came round for a visit and it was well worth the trip!
Hilarious! And sad, too.
Made the mistake of reading this one out loud to my husband while the pups were in earshot...they're still giving me dirty looks.
Brilliant story!
hahahaha, serves him right. that is HILARIOUS!
Unbelievable! Still, I'd have loved to have seen his face when he opened the bag!
Serves him right!!! But I feel sorry for your friend who couldn't dispose of her dog correctly.
Hey, thanks for commenting on The Jason Show today! I will see you around. It's always good to have another friend on the other side of the pond.
I'm supposing you found me through blognut?
Yeah the theiving bastard!!!
Ya gotta be shittin' me! This is too funny! But, um, she DID dispose of the dog.
I had my dog put down last fall.
For $135 bucks, you get them put to sleep and cremated, ashes back to you in a lovely marble.. umm.. container.
Just thought I'd mention that on the subject of large dog disposal.
As for this fucktard.. classic, laughed til I snorted. He got his.
She was seriously going to lug the large dog corpse in a duffel all the way across town?
Hopefully it wasn't hot out, or the stink alone probably would have cleared her path quite nicely.
I do wonder, what did HE do with it?
Would be better yet, if instead of dragging it home, he drug it directly to a pawn shop. :-)
Wow...I laughed really loud, and then coughed really hard (because I too am sick). What a poor schmuck!
Funny! As always :)
-- Sandra Essary from AC
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